As of 7:30 this morning, a seeming sub-breed of semi-intelligent zombies have taken over the HuffPost offices, and I am the only human that remains here. While they are appear to have retained some of their brain capacity (and keep screaming what sounds like "Beyonce!"), they are not sympathetic creatures, and still only want to eat human brains. They have infiltrated the Culture page and turned it into a Zombie page, but I have hacked my way in to keep you updated on the latest news, photos and videos from The Zombie Takeover. Scroll down for updates throughout the day.
10/31/2011 7:00 PM EDT
I is getting distracted.
10/31/2011 6:13 PM EDT
Prrraahrrrahhamm here. Listen. I did not love THAT Human girl. Zombie loooove brain dinner. I was waiting for her brain to tenderize. So tender. Is tasting like what I think love is?!
WATCHING: Top Chef Brains for more tasty brainspiration.
10/31/2011 5:42 PM EDT
skrrrrrAARRRmmmmmmm bbelelLLLLEARAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH zz z z zACK ACK EEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEE EEEE mrow mrow MROW MRWO OA SD AH AH HA HA HA HA AH EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRoooOROOOOo OH GOD NO WHY MMWMMWMWMRRROOOWWW EEEEEE AAHHHHH AHH AHHA HHA HHHH AHHHHH!! ! ! !
Zombie will blog now.
10/31/2011 4:40 PM EDT
Prrraahrrrahhamm has left me. He said I'm just not dead enough.
I've managed to drag myself by the arms to some high ground, where I can see the zombies that remain milling about, snorting as they watch afternoon talk TV.
Their favorite is "The Chew."
I too, like to chew. I have begun to chew at my left wrist, where the skin is thin above the bone. I probably read "Hungry Mungry" too many times as a child.
This is probably what Anakin Skywalker felt like when lava burned off his arms and legs as he rolled screaming down a hill and then had to be made part-man, part-machine. But since the zombieapocalypse seems to have beat out the robotapocalypse, in this case, I don't see any cyborg future for myself.
10/31/2011 4:04 PM EDT
Leglessness has its perks. I was just chilling by the free books shelf, all stumpy, when a zombie stomped by gently. I tried to shuffle back on my hands and hide, but his gaze was captured by the clumsy motion of my bleeding non-legs.
Prrraahrrrahhamm, as he introduced himself, is remarkably well-preserved for one of his kind. Unlike some of the other slobs around here, he's still wearing shoes, pants, and a shirt. And he's got all of his limbs -- seriously a catch! Even the grey color of his face really accentuates the blood on his teeth.
I know what you're thinking. This will never work. We're too different. But you know what? Prrraahrrrahhamm treats me better than any guy I've ever dated before. He rolled me over to the ruins of the vending machines and drooled and moaned while I ate a bag of Funyuns.
We haven't talked about the big stuff yet: I don't know if his parents will let him see a non-Zombie girl, and I know he's probably been with some trampy dead chicks before me. But for now, Prrraahrrrahhamm and I are happy. We've set up under some desks on the fifth floor, and so far, he hasn't tried to smash my head open and eat my brain -- he doesn't think I'm ready yet.
10/31/2011 3:21 PM EDT
I've lost the other leg. God damn it.
10/31/2011 3:08 PM EDT
Time to kill some zombies.
They're just stumbling all over the place, stiff-leggedly falling over desks and shrieking whenever Herman Brains shows up on TV. I think I even saw one napping after drinking way too much blood, a pool of gristle and intestines next to its face.
I may not have a leg, but I still have my dignity. And despite a growing certainty that blood loss, sleep deprivation and starvation are potentially making me act crazy, I still believe there must be a way out. After all, they've left the Internet connected. How dangerous could they be?
The only weapons I could get my hands on are about 35 bottles of black cherry flavored seltzer water -- thrown into the face of a zombie, the incredibly carbonated liquid and putridly sweet flavoring causes the creatures to spasm and spit.
Wish me luck. I go now to face my enemies, wielding only the courage in my heart and the bottles in my fists.
10/31/2011 2:15 PM EDT
I have to admit, I've eaten brains before.
I mean, it was pig brains in a taco in Brooklyn, so maybe it doesn't count.
They were fried. They tasted like fried food. They were delicious.
I've been thinking about them, as I suckle the last yellow skittle in the bag. I've come up with a way to make them last longer: I leave them in my mouth till the color washes off onto my tongue, then slowly nibble around the sides until the white, fleshy insides of the skittle are exposed, the beautiful, spongey, white sugar nom, the candyinnards --
I have to find water. And food.
10/31/2011 12:57 PM EDT
I FOUND A BAG OF SKITTLES!
Will live at least another 2 hours.
10/31/2011 12:54 PM EDT
This blood is gushing out. There are gold and silver circles in the air, like planets in a diorama. Could the zombie be our savior? Hear me out. Maybe the zombie is our savior, come to shuffle off this mortal coil for us. I will hobble to another zombie. I will ask the zombie the truth. For once, the truth.