Exclusive Interview With God, Author Of 'The Last Testament: A Memoir By God' (As Told By David Javerbaum)
Longtime devotees of God will be happy to learn that the Almighty Lord is back with a new release, "The Last Testament: A Memoir By God" (Simon and Schuster, $23.99).
A longtime darling of the literary establishment, as well as the creator of the universe, God wowed readers and critics alike with His previous efforts "The Old Testament," "The New Testament" and "The Quran." But young people today may be more familiar with His Twitter account @TheTweetofGod, which prompted Him to write this new book.
According to His publicists, God had some help with the book from David Javerbaum, a former head writer and executive producer of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart." He also was one of the principal authors of "America: The Book," a contributor for "The Onion," and more recently, wrote the debut episode of the relaunched "Beavis and Butt-Head."
While His schedule was busy, we were allowed an audience with the Almighty to ask a few questions about His new book, what He thinks about the current GOP candidates, and which religion is the correct one to follow.
HuffPost Comedy: Who are Your influences? As an author, and as a deity?
God: As an author, I've been influenced by Homer, Mother Goose, the Brothers Grimm and J.K. Rowling. But as a deity I have no influences. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe; and I do My own stunts.
HPC: Will it be another couple of millennia before You write another book?
G: No. This is the last one. Thy world is ending December 21, 2012, and in My next universe there will be no such thing as literacy. All knowledge will be preserved through the coordinated vibration of subatomic particles, and then distributed via iPad.
HPC: What was Your schedule like while writing this book? How did You keep focus?
G: It was no problem for Me -- I'm used to keeping long hours. But My earthly amanuensis grew sore tired burning the midnight halogen bulb. It was all I could do (and I can do a lot) to keep him concentrating on the task at hand. Oft was I forced to render unto him a firm kick in the seed-squirters.
HPC: Did You receive assistance from any dead authors?
G: No, but Moses, Jesus and Muhammad all gave it a once-over. They all thought it was great. Then again, they think everything I do is great.
HPC: What are Your thoughts on eBooks?
G: I have mixed feelings. I love the convenience, but I hate the fact that it saves trees. I hate trees. Biggest regret of My whole creation. Trees are stupid.
HPC: Do you think You'd have made it in today's publishing environment?
G: I am making it in today's publishing environment. My books continue to be read and adored by far more people than any other so-called "best-selling" author. Hearest Me, Malcolm Gladwell? Call Me when thy "tipping point" hitteth 2,000,000,000 readers, Jewfro boy.
HPC: Do You have any advice for young authors or deities?
G: My advice for all authors is simple: Write what you know. Of course, this is more limiting for some authors than Others.
HPC: What's Your bedtime reading these days?
G: Like everyone else, the Steve Jobs biography. He was a difficult man -- and still is, as I've learned first-hand over the last month. True story: he has forbidden My practice of sending lightning bolts to smite thee because he insists we remain "Flash incompatible."
HPC: What is the correct religion?
G: Nice try! Verily, why not just ask Me, "Why doesn’t Bruce Willis talk to anybody in 'The Sixth Sense'?" I give no spoilers.
HPC: They say You don't make no junk. Have You, in fact, ever made junk?
G: Ha! I do make junk from time to time. I love those little sayings about Me. Ever heard this one: "God made rivers, God made lakes, God made you, we all make mistakes." Verily, that’s a great dis.
HPC: Do You keep in touch with any of the other heads of major religions?
G: No such "other heads of major religions" exist. They are all fictional, with the exception of L. Ron Hubbard, who is science-fictional.
HPC: When the Rapture finally happens, will Harold Camping be the one to tell us?
G: No. When the Rapture finally happens, Harold Camping will be the one being fed as man-steak to the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse.
HPC: How often do you talk to Kirk Cameron?
G: Kirk and I talk about once a week. I like Kirk. And he can still act! Hast thou seen his work in the "Left Behind" trilogy? Great stuff. Especially "Left Behind II: Tribulation Force." His personal spiritual commitment to all that apocalyptic shit verily oozeth off the screen.
HPC: If we have a Mormon president, should we be worried?
G: Absolutely not. A Mormon president could make a perfectly patriotic, competent, inspiring leader. But not Mitt Romney. He is a husked void.
HPC: Which Republican candidate did You actually tell to run for president?
G: All of them. Otherwise it wouldn't have been as funny.
HPC: What can You tell us about Your upcoming plans?
G: All I’ll say is, I’m planning on making our last year together as fun, happy and smite-free as possible.
HPC: Did You ever formally sanction Kim Kardashian's matrimony?
G: No. Let me state this as clearly as I can: I have had nothing to do with any aspect of the lives of any of the Kardashians, ever. If thou wantest answers, the direction to be looking is down.
HPC: Do You become actively upset if an actor fails to thank You at the Academy Awards?
G: No, because they're not allowed to. I am legally banned from Hollywood.
HPC: Men's nipples. Why?
G: I designed them to serve as rotatable AM and FM tuners for radio waves transmitted through the lungs (the "woofer" and "tweeter"). Long story short, we had to abandon the project. The only way to get a signal with the nipple was to clamp it, and only 10% of men enjoyed that.
HPC: Do You have any holiday plans?
G: I'm visiting St. Thomas, St. John and St. Martin. I love those guys.