What You Want In A Mate May Not Actually Be What You Want, Study Suggests

Think you know what you want in a mate?

That may not matter when it comes to actually choosing one, a new study suggests.

"People have ideas about the abstract qualities they're looking for in a romantic partner," study researcher Paul W. Eastwick, an assistant professor of psychology at Texas A&M University, said in a statement. "But once you actually meet somebody face to face, those ideal preferences for traits tend to be quite flexible."

In the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study, Eastwick and other Northwestern University researchers found that even though people had ideas of what traits and characteristics they wanted in a mate, they weren't necessarily attracted to people with those traits and characteristics.

For example, a person may say that they want someone persistent, only to not be attracted to such a person upon meeting them.

"After meeting in person, you might feel that, yeah, that person is persistent, but he can't compromise on anything. It's not the determined and diligent kind of persistent that you initially had in mind," Eastwick said in the statement.

The finding shows that people are not defined by a single trait -- rather, it's how a trait interacts with other traits that really determines how a person is, researchers said.

Previously, research from Northwestern University shed light on what men and women really want when it comes to physical attractiveness and wealth.

In that 2008 study, also published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, men were more likely to say that they cared more about their partner being physically attractive, and women were more likely to say they cared about their partner being a good earner. However, when the study participants were placed in a speed-dating scenario, the researchers found that both men and women equally desired attractiveness and earning power in their partners, Northwestern University reported.

Comments

[chris44107]

08:47 PM on 11/18/2011

Fat, skinny, or anything in between, as long as they have a good sense of humor, a good sense of personal hygiene, are bright, kind, and have some passion in life, especially music, art or literature. Income doesn't matter, as long as they responsible for themselves (I'm pretty low maintenance, so they don't have to spend money on me, just don't want them to try to live off me). And, while this sounds odd, I find that I'm attracted to guys that have older, well maintained compact cars. I haven't even figured THAT one out.

[Debbie Suchy]

02:35 PM on 11/18/2011

Well that sounds just lazy and easy. I think women are into an emotional/mental connection first then the physical. Men are physical first. I also believe men will look for a mental/emotional connection at a much older age hence your may-dec romances

[chris44107]

08:55 PM on 11/18/2011

Nope - May-December romances (for the male friends I've known) are much more about the physical and emotional insecurity than a mental/emotional connection. The extreme emotional insecurity such as the trophy wife, or the more subtle insecurity that manifests itself as the idea that they can teach and guide her through life. While I think that all men are first attracted physically, men that I've known who are interested in a mental/emotional connection tend to gravatate towards women around their own age.

[Debbie Suchy]

10:00 AM on 11/25/2011

May-December romances : Men are much older when the mental/emotional connections become more important. For women it seems it is a standard always important. I meant that younger women would be attracted to that . Interesting that many of of these end up married w/kids and very happy.

[onionboy]

01:38 AM on 11/18/2011

I think men pretty much just have the one trait they're looking for.

[people4peanuts]

11:56 PM on 11/16/2011

Why? Because I don't have a 'relationship checklist'.

[TaxpayingVoter]

09:59 PM on 11/16/2011

It's true.

I had tall, dark, and handsome on my traits list and ended up with short, pale, and homely...lol

That was my last long-term relationship, anyway.

[Snippert]

10:52 PM on 11/16/2011

Hey, I may be short, pale and homely, but... what was the fourth thing you said?

[TaxpayingVoter]

03:11 PM on 11/18/2011

The Department of Energy.

[JHuff68]

08:10 PM on 11/16/2011

It's ALL about the sexual chemistry. if you don't have animal, sexual chemistry - ultimately the relationship won't last.

[jeffp26]

09:02 PM on 11/16/2011

Sounds right to me!!! ;-)

[Yvonne Serocki]

12:00 AM on 11/17/2011

if you are an animal that is :)
The biggest sexual organ is actually, wait for it......the brain. A large, well used, finely honed, well connected, integrated cerebral cortex is a major attractor! There is a level of our being that is beyond physical chemistry. This deepest, innermost aspect of our being is connected to the vast, spacious, powerful, higher love energy that blows instinctual physical chemistry out of the water! The source of unconditional love is found within! www.newheavenonearth.wordpress.com

[Genders]

07:59 PM on 11/16/2011

In the USA. For Speed daters.

[davis brant]

07:30 PM on 11/16/2011

it comes down to "gut" feelings and smell, as in pheromones

[partisanpolitico]

07:37 PM on 11/16/2011

How do you make a pharaoh moan?

[PrometheanSalvation]

08:41 PM on 11/16/2011

Threaten to tell his mummy.

[onionboy]

01:36 AM on 11/18/2011

I thought you might just have to pay her, but then I realized that's how you make a hormone.

[JohnMavis41]

07:11 PM on 11/16/2011

It's not looks, it's not money -- it's when you get closer do you feel it in your loins -- that's the test
pheromones will decide

[First Blast]

07:28 PM on 11/16/2011

Body odor is a major turn off. I hear the best colognes will provide the fragrance without blocking the pheromones. I have the most luck with Armani Acqua Di Gio and Polo Romance

[partisanpolitico]

07:34 PM on 11/16/2011

You go dude, go get em

[First Blast]

07:43 PM on 11/16/2011

Yeah, it's a tough job but somebody has to do it :-)

[appalling]

06:38 PM on 11/16/2011

Different traits are tolerable depending on how it fits the person. If the person is stunning, you might tolerate bad traits you otherwise would run away from. There is no magic formula for synergy. Attractiveness is far more than personality and looks even. How one moves, walks, controls their body, smells, tastes, looks at you, etc. all factor in.

[Barringtonmorr]

06:37 PM on 11/16/2011

I'm 0 for 2 ... not attractive (two seals having sex have a better chance than me with someone from my species) and broke is an understatement. Does this mean I'm screwed? or better yet I won't get screwed?

[First Blast]

07:08 PM on 11/16/2011

Inmates put a rubber band around their wrist to cut off blood flow and create the illusion it is someone else's hand doing the pleasuring. You might want to give it a try.

[Barringtonmorr]

07:13 PM on 11/16/2011

how do you know that? hmmmm know what I'm doing tonight! All i need is some popcorn

[First Blast]

07:19 PM on 11/16/2011

I worked as a guard for a couple years and I also have long experience talking to people of many different socioeconomic levels to include ruffians of all types. These guys joke around about this stuff. They also have some kind of device they craft with soft cloth and tissue, a rubber band, and hand ointment that they fashion into some kind of you know what. Apparently it doesn't rise to the level of being with a real woman but when you are in the clink you make do with what you have available.

[PC0207]

05:39 PM on 11/16/2011

"The finding shows that people are not defined by a single trait -- rather, it's how a trait interacts with other traits that really determines how a person is, researchers said. "

And we needed a study to tell us this? Anyone who's been in a relationship knows or should know by now that a single trait will not make for a lasting relationship. It can be a struggle with interacting traits! Relationships work because the two people in it make it work.

[anoise]

05:37 PM on 11/16/2011

I've always had a list of traits, but never too specific to be that picky.
But number one on the list and the one I'm most picky about is that I love who *I* am when I'm with that person. so far that's worked out well for me

[Zip Zinzel]

07:43 PM on 11/16/2011

GREAT POST ANOISE

[missyinSoCal]

03:51 PM on 11/16/2011

All of the studies in the world can't predict who with, when, or how you will fall in love.. I think true love comes with experience, good or bad, to learn what you do and DON'T want.. What I thought the perfect person was 15 years ago is the complete opposite of what I find attractive now.

[belladio]

05:08 PM on 11/16/2011

I can totally relate to what you said, missy.

[anoise]

05:35 PM on 11/16/2011

My perfect person 35 years ago (first love) is the same person I find perfect today - though not for the same reasons... AND we each went our seperate ways for 33 years to find each other again.