Do Opposites Attract? (VIDEO)

Love is an enigma, especially to scientists. It is rarely discussed as a measurable phenomenon and even less often broached academically. Most basic biology and neuroscience texts don't even give it a shout out. The social sciences do a better job to address it, but researchers are still in the earliest stages of developing a unified theory of the science of love.

In reading through the comments on my previous post, I am stricken by how many conversations revolve around long-term commitment. Let's not get ahead of ourselves... we've only just met! Many of you seem to have very strong feelings about the effort and insight necessary to maintain love, but where is the discussion about falling in love? Why is it that we can almost instantly feel a connection to one person and not to another? The science of attraction is fascinating, and a discerning look at it reveals a lot of previously held myths that are due for a good busting.

For example, you may be surprised to learn that one of the most powerful predictors of attraction (both to friends and to romantic partners) is proximity. It is known that most people will fall in love with and subsequently marry somebody who comes from the same neighborhood, works in the same building or goes to the same school. This seems to have something to do with the mere-exposure effect (also known as the familiarity principle), which is the tendency for people to like things (or people) simply because they frequently encounter them. Old blue eyes, Frank Sinatra, summed this principle up nicely with his tongue-in-cheek line, "when I'm not near the girl I love, I love the girl I'm near."

At first glance, the idea that "the one" may be only cubicles away seems counter-intuitive. But so do many facts about love. You may think that opposites attract, because that's what you've been told your entire life. You may think that, but you are mistaken. Many studies have confirmed that individuals report longer, happier relationships to those who are most like themselves across measures. Age, ethnicity, religion, political views, and socio-economic factors are all similar among those we are likely to marry. Perhaps most surprising is that the aggressive, ambitious, workaholic individuals with Type A personalities usually choose to date other Type As and not their more relaxed, patient and seemingly complimentary Type B counterparts.

As we all know, attraction is only a part of the story when it comes to the scientific study of love, and psychological measures do not tell all. Peering into the brains of individuals who claim to be in love has illuminated the functional, somatic underpinnings of this seemingly intangible emotion. Helen Fisher is probably the most cited authority on the neuroscience of love. Her research breaks down romantic love into three distinct stages: lust, attraction and attachment. These stages correspond with specific neurological pathways that are rich in dopamine and oxytocin (among other neurochemicals). Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation, goal-oriented behavior, arousal and even addiction. Oxytocin has long been dubbed the "love hormone." It is known for its role in influencing the strong bonds that exist between mother and child, as well as those between romantic partners.

In the Ted Talk below, Dr. Fisher says that "love is in us. It is deeply embedded in the brain. Our challenge is to understand each other." To learn more about the neurobiology of romantic love, stay tuned for my post tomorrow, which explores this topic with an interactive graphic.

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Comments

[jf12]

11:29 AM on 11/28/2011

To see whether Dr. Fisher's science is all that, I signed up for her matching service as a test. For funsies, silly of me, but live and learn. I answered honestly, including about being divorced (they didn't ask about currently being married). As an ultraconservative 61 yr old intellectual white male, only looking for a long term relationship with, and I quote myeself, "a woman who will treat me right and do what I say for a change", apparently I'm uniquely matched with 121 women in my metro-area proximity. Although I did not specify any desired ages or other qualities besides being Christian, the vast majority are mid 40s non-Latino white women just wanting to meet "someone".

Zero were older than me, none below 35, and maybe only about 20% were over 50. Many, judging by their dirty jokes and/or risque photos, are not especially Christian. I think I do not believe that only 40ish women are sexually motivated enough to bother posting profiles, thus horribly skewing the demographics, but I can't think of any other explanation for the match stats.

[jf12]

10:44 AM on 11/23/2011

I'm curious: how many times do people fall in love in their lives? Of course it varies, but what are the statistics? It will depend upon having reliable definitions, and upon having reliable reporting. Would asking someone to recall a time they were in love, and scanning their brain, make reproducible and accurate predictions of whether they really had been in love?

The definition of limerence is a good start.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence
I can confidently state I've been in limerence 4 times in my 61 years, one each of four women. Two I married; two I would have, would.

How about you? How many times?

[Cara Santa Maria]

06:38 AM on 11/27/2011

I'm not sure if I've ever seen a large study on the number of times somebody has fallen in love. I wonder how the authors of the questionnaire would define love.

Some people have strict definitions of love and others are more loose. Some people fall in love easily and others are more wary and restrictive.

I personally would say that I have been in love 3-4 times, although I have said "I love you" to more people than that. And I'm only 28 years old! I have a hard time knowing love until hindsight sets in. I err on the side of loving, I suppose. Perhaps I fall in love easily...

[jf12]

11:09 AM on 11/28/2011

The day after my second date with my wife, I locked my keys in my car at work with the motor running. I didn't notice until lunchtime, which I had planned to spend cleaning my place, so I called an unlock service and wasted so much time waiting on them that I merely cruised by her work. She saw me, of course. Between our calls (pre cell), apparently she spent her entire work afternoon primping or something in the bathroom.

[Jessica Ellermets]

09:26 AM on 11/23/2011

Once again, an awesome blog with a great message. :) GO CSM!

Opposites attract sexually, because it is exciting to be with someone who you don't completely understand. Yet, in the long run, true opposites don't win out. Opposites don't have the same core values, or basis of morality. It's a huge gamble to be in a relationship with someone, and not agree with the most basic fundamentals of who they are and what they believe. It will inevitably end in strife and anger, because you both want totally different things out of life!

To jump to the topic of love; Love I believe, is a progression of attraction and lust to an intense longing. The longing, comes from you wanting to feel good. If you feel good while around one specific person, sexually, intellectually, or otherwise..... You will naturally want to be around them more, which leads to this feeling of love. The feeling of love, and constantly thinking of that person, leads back to longing, and this leads to loyalty. Leads to loyalty in that, you want that person to want to be with you exclusively and other people threaten that. So you reciprocate what actions would make you happy and at peace, that is you stop seeing other people. (Fidelity)

[Cara Santa Maria]

06:34 AM on 11/27/2011

Interesting views and so well said! I hope that you continued with the conversation this week, because much of what you touched on here was discussed! Thanks so much for your thoughts :)

[Niche Brislane]

04:35 PM on 01/13/2012

I'm currently with someone in an opposites attract relationship and couldn't agree more, it IS somewhat exciting to be with someone you don't understand but i'm finding as I go that i'm falling more in love with our differences than our similarities. In my opinion it really would depend on the persons acceptance or neutrality as well as their perspective to the relationship as a whole and as two individuals. My bf is a deep technological thinker, into movies, online games and overall is a more industrial person whereas im a more agricultural, political and philosophical thinker. I feel the love that evolves from our tiem together more so exists in that he's like a fresh breath of air and keeps me constantly learning about his side of the world. We may not see eye to eye on the issue but one needs to take into account their own neutrality and acceptance of differences.
It's difficult no doubt when you have two people on different planes of existence but it IS possible to keep the relationship going if both sides are diligent to accept, compromise when and where able. I think it ties in pretty well with the article to say that the way you walk into a relationship greatly effects how love forms and grows between two people in the first place.

[dkrypt]

08:42 AM on 11/23/2011

I'm married to an opposite and it's not working out well. Oh well

[zenju2]

08:23 AM on 11/23/2011

Cara Santa Maria, Ud es muy inteligente y muy bonita y creo que ¡estoy enamorado de Ud!

[Cara Santa Maria]

06:33 AM on 11/27/2011

Jaja! Gracias!

[zenju2]

06:56 AM on 11/27/2011

¡De nada! Hablo de la verdad. ;)

[zenju2]

07:08 AM on 11/27/2011

Question for you, BTW. I'm older than my girlfriend, who's in college. We love each other very much and have been living together for some time. She's recently expressed that she's curious about trying other guys to get more 'experience,' and though she avows that I'm awesome in every way, she worries that as she gets older, her looks will go...and she'll have never known anybody but me. She's also willing to never, ever try it if this would hurt me....and though I'm very open-minded about things like this, I think that it WOULD hurt me; she's the only person I want to be with. She wouldn't sneak around or 'cheat' on me either...at least not without my blessing. I MIGHT be okay with her being with one of her close male friends...but I'm not sure I want to try surviving this experience. It's very confusing.

[withonor]

07:22 AM on 11/23/2011

Love is an exaggeration of one specific emotion: Loyalty.

Now, for the topic, do opposites attract? It depends. Some people like to be challenged, others do not. If you enjoy challenges, you are going to prefer someone who differs from you and takes that stance. If you enjoy similarities, you will prefer someone who takes your stance.

For every time you hear someone say "we have so much in common," you will find someone who says "they are everything I am not."

Love is an exaggeration. We romanticize people who have "extra" dedication. Often times a short term investment has the prospect of having "extra" dedication.

What we should decide for ourselves, long before hand, is what dedication means to us. It should mean more than calling you pretty for one night. In so many cases we value long term investment, but in personal relationships we concentrate solely on short term gains. Life is short in the grand scheme of things, but for the most part our interaction with life is short. We need to approach our relationships with each other with respect to how long we affect each other.

Who are you most loyal to? That should be your life partner. Everyone who respects you should buy into that plan.

[jf12]

10:13 AM on 11/23/2011

Interesting idea. There are indeed a handful, maybe more, of men that are more loyal to me than my wife is. I wouldn't say I'm more loyal to them than to my wife, nor am I sexually attracted to them. But I certainly could live with them. On the other hand there is a loyal woman (ok, yes, there is one) at work that I've also been extremely loyal to, but I would not consider living together even if I were sexually attracted.

[lastpost]

06:31 AM on 11/23/2011

"Love is an enigma, especially to scientists."
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; WS
Each gaze leading to a maze,
within a maze, within a maze.
If love with logic were replaced.
Would then this world become,
a better place?

[LoveBigBalls]

05:23 AM on 11/23/2011

Nice article and video. I don't know anyone who is not interested in love in all of its permutations. I am curious as to the part pheromones play in our attraction to those proximal to us. I wonder if my avoidance of men who wear cologne is because it covers up their pheromones. I have been happily married for over 30 years and my husband still makes my heart skip a beat when he walks in the door. I am so glad he didn't wear cologne haha!

[Cara Santa Maria]

06:32 AM on 11/27/2011

See my response to SSSSASSSY above! The long and short is: we don't know if pheromones even exist in humans!

[Siebenstein]

05:10 AM on 11/23/2011

Opposites attract for max one week.

If you are looking for long-term/life, look for similar.

[myempathy]

03:50 AM on 11/23/2011

"Bipolar opposites attract"

PS: This has nothing to do with what you think, If you ever think at all

[kennethhdeome]

03:26 AM on 11/23/2011

Compliments attract when it comes to love. Otherwise it's just biological imbalances seeking harmony through biological interactions.

[Timothy L Northrup Jr]

01:44 AM on 11/23/2011

Cara, it would be far easier to talk about this if anyone had the ability to quantify what falling in love is. You know it when you feel it, I guess. I know people in their 70's and 80's whom tell me, and whom I believe, have never been able to be "in love" and I know someone who falls in love--at many different levels, at the drop of a hat and it makes his relationships horrible and short. I probably fall more toward the former end.

As a major in Philosophy at my undergrad level, even as the biggest nerd at times, I sometimes have the instinct to not try to quantify something too much. I wonder if love is one of these things that you lose some of the meaning of when you try to quantify it. We are attracted to those closest to us, to those who are physically attractive and healthy, who share our interests and worldviews. Opposites attract but they just as often repel (we are much more complex than magnets). This is a really tough subject you are on.

[jf12]

10:16 AM on 11/23/2011

Combinations of multipole magnets can get quite complex. I think what you're saying is that opposite in one dimension doesn't imply opposite in another dimension.

[Timothy L Northrup Jr]

11:44 AM on 11/23/2011

what I'm saying is that it isn't a simple push-pull. No cliche will ever be sufficient.

[Cara Santa Maria]

06:31 AM on 11/27/2011

I agree! I hope that you have followed the discussions throughout the week. I know that love is a very qualitative term, describing an emotion/drive that is highly subjective. Attempts to quantify it are fascinating however.

I do disagree with you when you say that you wonder "if love is one of these things that you lose some of the meaning of when you try to quantify it." I attempt to explain why in the last paragraph if this Friday's video:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/25/lets-talk-about-sex-the-science-of-love_n_1111190.html?ref=talk-nerdy-to-me

[Timothy L Northrup Jr]

10:09 AM on 11/27/2011

I have. And I don't doubt that the uniqueness of the feeling remains, nor the moral value, nor really some level of mystery.

What I fear is the tendency some have to equate meaning with function--something you run into a lot when you take modern philosophy classes. I value science as a means to learn, as a method of discovery, etc. I don't attribute a lot of moral value to it.
Without getting to metaphysical here, or lecturing on the history of philosophy, I can safely say that there will be those, both scientists strictly and those in the humanities like philosophy, who will take this valuable knowledge and try to moralize it--make how love works synonymous with what love is worth or its moral value. I tend to side with Aristotle, Plato, and you on this one and try not to conflate these separate ideas.

So, your subsequent post--and my initial reaction before the "hmmm" moment in the above comment--are in synch, I guess.

[elizabeth hershoff]

12:33 AM on 11/23/2011

fantastic video!! Understanding this wonderful human experience called love from a neurological standpoint only adds to our lives. I have certainly felt all the joy and pain she describes but I have suffered mostly from judging myself as being "too emotional" or "too addicted" or told myself that it was somehow "wrong" to be having the intense feelings ( both positive and negative) that I've experienced in love. I appreciate how this scientists normalizes these feelings as part of love. I've asked myself if I was crazy to keep loving a person who has rejected me -and in fact, wanted them more! I am glad to know that this is a part of normal love. Now if I could only be one of those people who still experience romantic love 25 years after it first appeared ! What a blessing!

[george lamberis]

12:33 AM on 11/23/2011

The nucleus is always in search of its atom.

[SSSSASSSY]

12:21 AM on 11/23/2011

Interesting and I would agree with a lot. I was married for 30 years and very happy We had a lot in common but as the years went by we had many, many more common interests. I wonder if you have considered the part pheromones play? My husband had a certain scent that held me spellbound from the beginning. I think it can play a big part in a happy marriage. Some marriages are partnerships, almost business partnerships. Some are because that is the only one for you.

[Cara Santa Maria]

06:28 AM on 11/27/2011

Although we do seem to bond over scent, and it holds a very strong neurological connection to memory, it is still up for debate in the scientific community as to whether pheromones "exist" in humans. Our brains have evolved a limited capacity for scent recognition (as compared to most other mammals), and as far as I know, no scientific study has ever shown that "pheromone substances" exert a measurable effect on human behavior.