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Non-Existent 'War On Christmas' Is Apparently Being Won By The People Who Invented It

Christmas Tree

Posted: 11/28/11 02:45 PM ET

Were you aware that we recently won a major battle in the "War On Christmas?" Because over at Fox Nation, it seems that we are "winning the war on Christmas," due to a decision that was recently made by Walgreens, a retailer that specializes in -- wait...were you not aware there was even a "war on Christmas?" Sorry, let me back up.

Yes, if you are a traditional adherent of Christianity, you are probably hearing the words "war on Christmas" and wondering if you happened to miss some big news story. I can understand your confusion. For most mainstream Christians, the Yuletide season is one in which enormous accommodations are made to those who practice the Christian faith. You get time off from work, and schools get out so your kids can visit family, and on every block, there is an illuminated reminder that Christmas has arrived. You've probably noticed that this began about mid-October.

No holiday is as well accommodated in America as Christmas. It is perhaps one of the best celebrated religious holidays in the history of mankind. You have to go back to antiquity to find more lavish celebrations -- like, say, the inaugural games of the Roman Colosseum, which lasted 100 days because the Romans wanted to pull out all the stops to appease the gods they literally believed wanted to kill them all with plagues and volcanoes.

In fact, many Christians -- myself included -- register a basic level of annoyance at the way the Christmas season now stretches back into October, because we don't really need a basic reminder of how to properly celebrate the birth of Christ or His divinity on account of the fact that there is this basic concept called "faith" that we keep in our hearts, and which suffers no impediment from the way the nice people at the grocery store thank us for our custom. But there are another group of Christians who are incapable of holding onto their faith unless it is repetitively validated in the utterances of people who work at major American retailers. And it is on this front that the "war on Christmas" has historically been fought.

And yet, there's a "war"? Yes, apparently, there is, and my recitation of the explanation of the "war on Christmas" is, for long-time readers, becoming as heralded a tradition as the yearly airing of Linus Van Pelt's recitation of the Gospel of Luke on national network television!

Why the "war?" Well, as near as I can tell, being the top-dog, religion-wise, just isn't good enough for some people. There apparently exist adherents who are so feckless and inconstant in their faith, that nothing short of constant validation will do. So when one of these lesser lights walks into Walgreens and hears "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas And Praise Be To You Who Were Smart Enough To Practice The Best Religion Ever!" something inside these adherents' psyches snaps, breaks, and they come to develop an insane persecution complex.

It's pretty ironic that many years ago I selected "Walgreens" at random as my stand-in for a typical, American retailer, because per the Houston Chronicle, here's this year's major victory:

Walgreens is the latest store to return to explicit references to Christmas, switching its position a day after some Christian groups threatened to boycott over its generic holiday wording.

The American Family Association and the Liberty Counsel--Christian groups that maintain lists of "naughty" and "nice" retailers based on which stores reference Christmas--applauded Walgreens' switch, along with several other big stores who are coming off the naughty list for the first time in years.

For the American Family Association, which is best known for issuing a fatwa against the Gap for not using the term "Christmas" when it actually was, it's a hard-won concession. For the rest of us, we won't even notice this, because all Walgreens has decided to do is "use the word 'Christmas' to describe items [they] are selling for Christmas decorations and gifts." So, expect things like "Christmas tree ornaments" to be labeled "Christmas tree ornaments" at Walgreens, thus ending the confusion that must have been keenly felt by zero people.

Meanwhile, the continuing use of the term "war on Christmas" to describe the reaction of people who do not receive full validation of their religious beliefs from cashiers 100 percent of the time is still a grievous insult to people around the world who are legitimately persecuted for expressing their religious faith, and who look to the way religious freedom is accommodated in America with envy.

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