How Can I Get My Kids To Respect Their Grandparents?

Dear Susan,

My parents often look after my kids after school until I get home. I'm very lucky to have their help, but my kids take advantage of their Nana and Papa and often talk back, or resist cooperating with what they ask them to do. My parents let them get away with a lot. What should I do?

Signed,
Stuck In The Middle

Dear Stuck,

It's wonderful to have parents who will help out. But it isn't okay that your kids treat their grandparents -- or anyone -- with disrespect. It's unhealthy for children to get away with being rude, and certainly unpleasant for your parents to be on the receiving end. Here's my advice:

• Synch everyone up with your expectations, but be flexible. Have a conversation with your parents and kids and clearly outline -- perhaps on paper -- your general expectations for everything from homework to bedtime when Nana and Papa are in charge. Discuss the fact that you expect them to cooperate with their grandparents and do what they're asking without making a big fuss, even if your parents might do things a little differently than you do.

• Empower your parents. Make sure they know that they have your permission to be more assertive with your children. Sometimes grandparents are too soft on their grandkids because they adore them so much -- and want to be adored back. They can be softies when you're around, but in your absence, ask them to maintain a sense of authority. Kids do best when they know that someone in charge.

• Be realistic. Grandparents have a special relationship with their grandchildren: They love to indulge, spoil, and let them get away with things their parents don't; that's part of the fun. Talk with your parents to help them figure out how to temporarily step into a more authoritative role with your children. It may require some of your help in how to word the requests they make of your kids.

Children do best when they are raised in a tribe, with healthy attachments to a number of caring adults. But it's important that you remind your parents that it's in their grandchildren's best interest to treat people well -- including close family. Let your kids know that while they can come to you with legitimate complaints, they need to treat their Nana and Papa with respect. Don't forget to thank your parents for stepping in. As your children observe you appreciating Nana and Papa, it will help them remember to do the same.

Yours in parenting support,
Susan

Parent Coach, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

Comments

[peachpage01]

10:00 AM on 12/21/2011

Setting parental expectations is key. Grandparents try to be sneaky, with giving more sugar, etc. etc. If you don't like certain things about the way you were raised, chances are you're not going to think much of how your parents interact with your own kids. So before you put them in charge, think hard about that. Same people, same tactics and from my experience, most grandparents will do exactly what they want. Some grandparents are under the misconception that having grandchildren is just a picnic full of cake, then they can go home, and leave you to deal with the aftermath. Example: my parents didn't put my son in his car seat (once), stating that I didn't have one (back then), and that if it was good enough for me, it should be ok for my son. Insert (scream now). I explained to them in no uncertain terms were they to do that again, and reminded them that if something were to happen, as in a car accident and my son, their grandchild was injured, or worse, they would not be able to live with themselves, so why risk it.

[Shawn1966]

05:10 PM on 03/20/2012

Why would my kids grandparents need to try to be sneaky? I don't mind that they feed them more sugar and other things that I would prefer to limit. Why is it bad for the grandparents to spoil the grandkids by buying them gifts that are expensive (if they can afford it) or that might not meet with our approval, within reason. Lets face it they earned the right. I know that my parents put up with all of my BS when I was a child/teen/young adult and now it's time for a little payback.Getting to spoil your grandchildren is the reward for being a good parent and I for can't wait for my turn.

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[nigelstpierre]

02:38 PM on 12/20/2011

Your grandparents need to get your kids to respect them; maybe if they didn't take them out as much/ buy and feed them whatever they wanted it'd be a little different.

I was lucky to get a grilled cheese as a kid AFTER working for my grandparents (painting, yard work etc) your 'little angels' need a reality check.

[Brianna Cole]

02:18 AM on 12/21/2011

Agreed. I'm from a very new generation and I was raised with much older parenting. Simply taking drug use and jail time into account of people I know and myself, I prize my parents and grandparents teachings above the "softies" of today. If kids don't learn to respect people at a young age, they won't feel like they "should" later on.

[Gregg-O]

01:28 AM on 12/20/2011

If you need to ask the question, Then you should take some parenting classes.

[Godo]

10:01 AM on 12/21/2011

i don't know any parent who is not in need of an advise!!! They always help, regardless of how good you think you are doing!!

[As110]

09:36 PM on 01/18/2012

In my opinion everyone needs parenting classes. Perhaps a sentence or two on how you accomplished this would have been more helpful and a better use of your time to contribute.