Transforming Grief: Life Lessons From Loved Ones We Lost In 2011

As the year draws to a close, it's only natural to reflect back on the events that had the biggest impact on our lives. For me, it was the loss of my grandfather, Hy Elias, at 83. My Papu (meaning grandpa in Greek) was in and out of hospitals for the better half of 2011 with a weakened immune system and a bad case of COPD from decades of cigarette smoking. When it was clear that his days were numbered, my cousins, brothers and I jumped on a last-minute plane to Florida, where he was living with my grandmother. The day we arrived was a Thursday. He died that Tuesday. Papu was in a hospital bed in his home in Delray Beach being cared for by hospice -- there was nothing else the hospitals could do. Yet, when we arrived, he miraculously rallied and we spent the day telling stories, hugging and kissing him, and feeding him his favorite foods. From that point he moved in and out of consciousness and passed five days later in the presence of my mother, uncle and grandmother. (Scroll down for his life lessons below.)

His funeral was too soon -- I couldn't bring myself to write a eulogy. But after my two brothers' perfectly delivered speeches, our rabbi insisted I say something. I completely butchered the moment as I stumbled through whatever came to mind. It certainly did not do his life justice. After he passed away, my grandmother found a letter he wrote (27 years ago) called "To Be Opened Upon My Death." He ends the letter with, "Hopefully you'll remember much of my good and very little of my bad." So, I offer these life lessons from my Papu in an attempt to carry out his request.

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Share a story and photo of the loved one you lost in 2011. What was their best piece of life advice?

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Comments

[Barbara0817]

01:31 AM on 02/01/2012

IN the last Year I lost my older sister to lung cancer, My sister had mental problem due to abuse She suffered in Her life, She was in an assisted living place We had not heard from Her in15 years and When We got a call We were saddened to hear of Her condition. WE went along with Her Daughter to visit everyday so We could catch up on eachothers lives. We talked We huged and We also found out My sister had been in a good place for all that time where She was loved and recievd the best care,After about a week We went home one night planning to come back the next day to visit. In the morning We got The call that She was gone. It seems LIke God let Us be together one more time to say goodbye to each other. My sister will always be missed aslong as I Am alive. Growing up She was My best friend . I hope She is happy in heaven now

[Barbara0817]

01:20 AM on 02/01/2012

What a wonderful life Your Grampa lived , and He was lucky to have You for a Grandson too. . We need to remember to honor the older members of Our families, We dont always take the time as We should to visit Them . Dont forget Your grandparents if You still have any They are a blessing .

[Anne Siperek]

02:56 AM on 01/03/2012

Sounds like a wonderful man! What a nice, full life he seems to have had! Thankyou for sharing this with all of us. Lots of lessons in there.

[Granny Darlin]

09:58 PM on 01/02/2012

Where did the picture I uploaded go?

[Granny Darlin]

02:29 AM on 12/30/2011

A beautiful tribute to your Papu. I've added a slide for my sweet baby grandchild who passed away at 16 days old. In his short time here he has made an impact that will last through many lives. God bless you and I hope you can find comfort in doing this wonderful thing. Thank you for allowing me to tell even more people about Kolby.

[seattlefisch]

11:32 PM on 12/29/2011

Hello all, I would really like to add to this--I put in a submission but now it's not showing up; does anyone have any advice? Or am I just being impatient? Any help would be appreciated, thank you

[Granny Darlin]

11:53 PM on 12/30/2011

I did too and I can't see mine yet.

[seattlefisch]

12:03 PM on 12/31/2011

have you had any luck? mine still is not up; just like you I really want to share about the life of my loved one

[truthocentric]

09:58 PM on 12/29/2011

POWERFUL STUFF!

[Dana Ullman]

07:28 PM on 12/29/2011

The words, the pictures, the stories, so touching.

I once heard a speaker say, "Some people say that we are all made out of atoms. Others say that we are made out of cells. I say that we are all made out of stories." Indeed.

Thanx for reminding me of the importance of gratitude to and for our elders.

[Alana Kornfeld]

10:37 PM on 12/29/2011

I love that -- we are all made out of stories! Perfect.

[Amy Elias, MS]

04:45 PM on 12/30/2011

...and I am so proud of my daughter..my BIGGEST BRAG for this year! She pulled the life out of the Life that was lived and how it impacted others, mostly her. What else could make a parent more proud than to have a family pull together as we are all "made of love" and for that gratitude reigns SUPREME. LOVE THIS WHOLE POST and every other who has so lovingly stepped into join the hearts of us all with their "love stories."

[Merve Borluk]

02:47 PM on 12/29/2011

Alana, your post is such a lovely one. Papu was a very lucky man to have a granddaughter like you.
I lost my "nene" (a Turkish word for "gran") in March, 2011. She couldn't win her battle against pancreatic cancer and passed away at 73. When she broke me the news in October 2010, all I could think was that I wanted to spend as much time with her and be there for her when she needed me. That's what we did for the next 5 months - spending as much time as we can together and trying to come to terms with death. I watched her going weaker everyday for months... One day, I sat by her bed with so much and nothing to say at the same time and these words came out of my mouth: "It's been a pleasure to be your grand daughter, nene." And she replied "It's been even a bigger pleasure to be your nene." Shortly after that, we ended up at the ER and we lost her within a week.
The lessons I learned from her is to be fair to people, never hurt anyone intentionally, stand by my family and friends and appreciate them, keep walking no matter what obstacle comes along my way and remember to be a little crazy from time to time. I will always cherish her memory.

[Alana Kornfeld]

05:01 PM on 12/29/2011

Nene! I love that. I am so glad you were able to spend time with her and tell her everything you needed to. What an amazing moment you shared before the ER. Please share a photo of her and her lessons by adding a slide above! I'd love that.

[PhillyKing]

12:13 PM on 12/29/2011

ok... this just made me call my Grandmothers and my "Grumpa" (as I've nicknamed him and stuck with it)... I've yet to see a negative side of you Alana :-)

[Alana Kornfeld]

04:58 PM on 12/29/2011

Aww!! I am so glad. Enjoy them while you have them. Give them extra kisses and hugs next time you see them.

[Arosha Brouwer]

08:34 AM on 12/29/2011

Thank you for your post. I lost my beloved grandfather "Seeya" on September 17th this year. To me, his age does not matter...he was dancing at my wedding a year ago and he picked me up from the airport 2 weeks before he died. A lifetime of encouragement and support. My seeya was a true inspiration, his tale was a typical rags to riches affair and although he ran a successful business, had friends in high places and contributed heavily to charity ... it was his love for his grandchildren, children and wife that made him a true gentleman. I was so lucky to have had such a wonderful grandfather - I learnt valuable lessons about life and the true meaning of family. I will always protect what he stood for - honesty, integrity and knowing what's right.

[Alana Kornfeld]

09:37 AM on 12/29/2011

This is so beautiful! Please add a photo of your Seeya and a bit of his wisdom to our slideshow above. I agree -- there's a never a right time to lose a grandparent no matter how old they are.

[Sheri Beatty]

07:09 AM on 12/29/2011

Dear Alana..you have honored your Papu well. I loved reading your story.

[Alana Kornfeld]

09:36 AM on 12/29/2011

Thank you, Sheri!

[ae12wrangell]

09:59 PM on 12/28/2011

The year 2011 was a real kick in the nut's. I lost my grandmother to age, she was 94, in April, and was 5 day's shy of her 95th. But Mommo had Altzheimer's/Dementia. To this day, we still do not know what she had. We forbade an autopsy, since we already knew age was the reason.
But, the toughest part was saying good bye to my Mom, Mommo's daughter. Mom was 69. She had brain cancer, and was misdiagnosed 10 year's earlier. We are now suing the doctor(?) who made the initial screw-up. We have to reason to take the hospital to court.
Both women were loved more than I could imagine. For the wake's and funeral's orf each, I met cousin's, aunt's, uncle's, etc. from so far away, I did not know they existed. I live in New York, and relative's came from Guam, American Samoa, Hong Kong, Japan, Australia, California. Each Funeral Home had to make do with us using a second parlor, since we had such an enormous crowd of family.

Each time I go to the cemetery, I make it a point to go to both grave's. Yes it's tough. No there is nothing I could do for my Mom. Mommo, well her entire family prayed that her pain would stop, and that she'd pass a way in her sleep. She did exactlty that.
But, what really pisses me off is Mom died within 6 month's of Mommo.

[Alana Kornfeld]

09:41 AM on 12/29/2011

I am sorry to hear about your difficult year. I know these two women were so deeply loved. We'll never know why one can live to be 94 and the other to 69. I remember when Papu's mother died it was just like 14 or 15 years ago, and I felt like it was too soon for him to go, too. ::Hugs::

[ae12wrangell]

01:02 PM on 12/29/2011

Actually, we can find out. When I get to Heaven, God willing, if I can talk to God, I would ask Him "Why did my Mom have to die at such a young age?" To me 69 is too young. "And why did both of my Grandfather's have to die very early?" One was 45, and I never met him; another was 58. The first one died of 3 type's of cancer, the other had a heart attack in Africa, and while he was on the job, and 4 heart attack's on the flight home, and 2 in the hospital. He never recovered, and my Mom and Aunt were each 6 Month's, and 9 month's pregnant. How neither had is a miscarriage is remarkable. But both newborn's were a few week's premature.

[ae12wrangell]

01:07 PM on 12/29/2011

Whenever anybody you love, or even if he/she was a neighbor that you grew up with and knew for 60 year's (Mommo and Mrs. XXXX knew each for 66 year's. Mommo would be mugged, recover, and move to Nassau County) it's tough. My Mom and Dad had a disasterous 1962. 15 Family member's, 6 from Mom's side; 9 from Dad's side died. Some of natural causes, and 1 that just cant be explained.

[piblogger1]

09:39 PM on 12/28/2011

The passing of my mother was a bittersweet moment in that she was there when I entered this world and I, well I was granted the great privilege of being at her side when she departed it.

I would later recount the experience in an article in which I wrote "As I held the hand of the very person who brought me into this world, and loved me throughout my entire life, I could hear Jesus saying to me in what I can only describe as an inaudibly, audible voice “do not be afraid for I have overcome sin and I have overcome death.” With that the final breath was taken and a peaceful calm enveloped the room."

I remember thinking to myself at that moment, as well as the seminal moments since then, that all that remained was the love and it is that love, like a warm blanket on a cold night, that comforts me with long ago but not forgotten memories.

[Alana Kornfeld]

09:38 AM on 12/29/2011

Absolutely beautiful.

[msd7733]

09:33 PM on 12/29/2011

Jesus gives a peace that passes all understanding , that is what he gave to you.

[Drumbeato]

07:19 PM on 12/28/2011

I lost my Mom this year to Ovarian Cancer at age 91. She had been in decline for the previous 18 months, & I spent much of that time traveling between the coasts to help take care of her. We spent more time together in that 18 months, than we did in the previous 38 years. It was a time of reconnecting, healing old wounds, & making peace with each other. For the most part, she was mentally sharp as a tack, even as her body began to fail.

I was not with her at the end. Something told me to turn on Skype, & found my Sister was on. Mom was in Hospice & unconscious, her head turned into her pillow. I asked my Sister to place her laptop on Mom's chest, & I began to talk to her. I told her how much I loved her, and that we were all there with her. I said I wanted her to know that it was OK for her to let go & not be afraid, that her Mom & Dad & my Father was waiting for her.

She turned her head & began to speak to me, which startled the Hospice Nurses because they had thought her in a coma. Although I couldn't make out what she was saying, I knew she heard me & that she knew it was me. She was gone 15 minutes later.

Thankfully I had that technology to be with her even if not

[Alana Kornfeld]

07:59 PM on 12/28/2011

this is an amazing story! i am so glad you were able to "be" with her.

[Kali03]

09:09 AM on 12/29/2011

Oh my goodness, this made me cry.

I'm glad you got to be with your Mama, and thank you for sharing this with us.