12/29/2011 04:53 pm ET Updated Feb 28, 2012

5 Reasons Your New Year's Resolution Is Going To Fail

I've never been much on New Year's Resolutions. They're less "resolutions" than a vague sort of passing thought that boils down to, "This is how I'd like to change myself. I'll think I'll try that for a few days and see how it works out." Polls show 88 percent of them end with a resounding, "What the fuck was I thinking?" before the end of the first month.

And though I lack the motivation to conduct a scientific 10,000-person poll on the subject, I have tried and failed 10,000 or so life improvement attempts myself. I have noticed a specific pattern in this failure, so let me say that you're already doomed if you're...