Children And Lying: What To Do About It

Dear Susan,

My 4-year-old old granddaughter lies regularly. She makes up stories about things that couldn't possibly be true, looking you straight in the face as she tells something that is obviously a lie. I want her to grow up to be an honest person. What can be done?

Signed,
Pinocchio's Grandma

Dear Pinocchio's Grandma,

There's nothing quite as charming as a straight-faced 4-year-old telling you about the trip they took to the moon on the back of a talking kangaroo while they ate candy that the Easter bunny gave them for the trip. One of the most endearing qualities about children this age is the fact that they have one foot in reality, and one firmly in the world of fantasy. A 4-year-old can look you in the eye and tell you they had nothing to do with that missing piece of cake with a face smeared with chocolate. Instead of scolding your granddaughter for "lying," try these strategies:

Don't use logic as a way to "catch" your granddaughter being dishonest. "No, you didn't talk to Santa on the phone about how granny was naughty for not letting you have candy for dinner!" Enjoy the moments when your little one weaves those far-fetched stories as proof that she is still, thankfully, living at least part-time in the world of her imagination.

Make it clear that some topics require her to be accurate with her facts. Try saying things like, "I know it may be uncomfortable to tell Grandma that you had an accident in your pants, but I have to know, and I promise that I won't get mad." Or "I know it's scary to tell your Daddy that you took your brother's action figure because he wouldn't let you play with it, but I will be less upset if you tell me than if you try to hide it..."

Make it safe for your granddaughter to confess to doing something she shouldn't have done. If she believes that she'll be hurt -- physically or emotionally -- when she does tell you the truth, you will essentially "teach" her that twisting the facts pays off.

Channel some of your child's creative juices into story-telling. Encourage her to narrate into a recorder. This activity will give her the thrill of hearing her imagination take flight. Help her understand that there's a time and a place where it's absolutely fine to play make-believe so she doesn't think that she can never wander in her fantasy world.

Preschoolers need to know that when you say, "Tell me what really happened", they must reach for the truth, but they also have to know that it's safe to reveal it. Just keep in mind that they are still at a stage where the truth is often mixed up with make-believe. So, don't come down too hard when your granddaughter tries to convince you that the fairies really did give her the chocolate bar that looks very much like the one that's missing from your purse!

Yours in parenting support,
Susan

Parent Coach, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

Comments

[Liza Moore]

10:20 AM on 02/15/2012

It is also a terrible example to set. You're showing your child that it's ok to lie, because you're doing it right in front of him. How does that make sense?

[Liza Moore]

10:25 AM on 02/15/2012

I'm sorry, I meant to post this as a reply to furrypiglet.

[iLdoRight]

09:58 PM on 01/30/2012

I didn't like it when I realized my parents and others had been lying to me about Santa, it caused me to wonder if they were lying about God too. Setting a good example is also important.

[chatnuptime1]

04:58 AM on 04/09/2012

LOL ILd.. I know what you mean. I didn't get into that seasonal bull pen with my kids but the grand parents could not help themselves. As a result when the seasons came up my kids would plague me with questions about Santa and Bunnies after getting an ear full and consequently TV full of classics.. they would come home and ask mum why didn't you ever tell us about Santa? I said you never asked? They put in a bind them parents of mine did. Kids will beleive anything you tell them just like that. I don't see how fabricating stories and makeing them out to be like the real thing is helpful not in the least.

[jonsview2]

08:12 PM on 01/23/2012

It's fine to let a child tell you a far-fetched story if it appears to be part of their creativity; however a discerning parent will know how to handle the difference between a child's fantasy story and a child being deceitful to avoid being caught in a "no-no." Some parents may "borrow" from the child's "fantasy account" to gloss over the fact that their child is lying and after several episodes of that, they "got you." Parents always need to be approachable. I tell my boys(17 and 13) that if they believe they're "getting over their head" with a situation, they need to tell me the truth. "I can't help if I don't know ALL of the facts." I let them know there is nothing they have done that I haven't experienced or have done worse. We've had to put it to the test only a few times, and so far we've scored 100%.

[furrypiglet]

06:24 PM on 01/23/2012

One suggestion would be to play along with the child. If he says he can't eat his carrots because he has a belly ache, get on the phone and pretend to call the doctor. Then see if he changes his tune. Calling for an ambulance is equally effective. Of course he knows you're playing around, and he knows that YOU know he isn't telling the truth. But taking the story to its logical conclusion reveals how ridiculous it really is.

[Jan Baer]

05:36 PM on 01/23/2012

I would question if the child who "lies" feels safe or good enough to live in the world they are actually in, or do they want life to be different? Do they feel the need (probably unconsiously) to protect themselves somehow (i.e., pesky siblings or scary teachers)? Or are they just too young and too imaginative to care about details such as reality? At 4, confronting a child by telling them they are lying and that's terrible is counterproductive." If the adult thinks I am a lyer, then I must be." That's an interesting story, but I think .... happened." If there was a "fight" between children, for example, I'd say to both of them they need to separate, cool out, or pick up the toys--not blame. At 4, adults should be present in their lives, and therefore a wild story is just that--the adult knows what is really happening. www.grandparentoptions.com

[dementedone]

05:22 PM on 01/23/2012

good read!

[Carla Peele]

05:06 PM on 01/23/2012

Finally an actually good article on one of these parenting things! Yes, it's easy to make children feel safe about telling the truth. Just tell them, "You won't get into any trouble if you tell me the truth" followed by "I'm proud of you for telling the truth." when they fess up.

And, yes, children will make up stories--- that's fun. Just let them know (gently) "I know you're telling wild tales, babe", and leave it at that.

[Amndamay]

04:54 PM on 01/23/2012

Yeah right. What about when they go to pre-school with a small red mark on their neck from a magic marker that woldnt quite wash off that morning, and when the teacher asks them about it they say their 10 year old brother burned them with a cigarette? Or how about when they have a small split lip from falling onto the coffee table and when the teacher asks them about it, they say daddy punched them in the mouth? Are these circumstances "charming" too? Should we make it "safe" for them to tell that story? Should we be understanding about "fantasy" and pleased that they're using their "imagination"? Is that also what we should tell DCF when they come asking questions? You need to start basing your advice in REALITY. LYING IS NOT OK. PERIOD. It can and often does lead to MAJOR problems. How about just teaching them THAT?

[Fran Jaime]

08:37 PM on 01/23/2012

If a child is telling lies about being abused, it is essencial to know WHY they are telling these lies. They didn't come out of thin air. That child is feeling threatened. Telling a story is totally different and expresses creativity and that should never be quashed!

[BiggpussJr]

04:45 PM on 01/23/2012

Great article.

[listgirl3]

03:35 PM on 01/23/2012

I am a huge fan of "making it safe" to tell the truth. That was a building block in my parenting toolkit and it has worked out beautifully. My kids are now 20, 15 and 15 and I've been privy to some pretty heavy stuff. It is really hard to do, but it is SO worth it - for you and your children.

[mharieelhag liuvag]

03:09 PM on 01/23/2012

The question is, how often do you lie? It's amazing how you teach your kids not to lie when you lie as well. I don't lie often (unless a situation calls it like when a Nazi is knocking on your door looking if there's a Jew that lives in my house) because I don't like lying. My parents don't lie often as well (like when someone who we care about would go to jail unjustly if they tell the truth). So I guess, setting good examples is necessary for your kids to stop lying. They mirror what you do. If they can see you lying a lot they would think it's okay to lie.

[flkewlkid00]

03:05 PM on 01/23/2012

substitute the words gop nominees for my four year old granddaughter.........................watch the next debate listen to what these losers say about president obama and his accomplishments,fact check what they say and see who the biggest liars are,four year olds or these wannabe presidents.windsock told a blatant lie about the president not having a jobs bill/package which anyone who follows politics knows better especially after giving a televised speech to the joint session pleading with them to pass the bill!

[Amndamay]

04:56 PM on 01/23/2012

Since you'r erambling on with all this irrelevant nonsense, I have to ask.... What accomplishments??

[furrypiglet]

06:26 PM on 01/23/2012

Only a flaming liberal would turn a story about rearing children into an attack on conservatives and a lame defense of the poorest president this nation has ever seen.

[firenewt]

02:17 PM on 01/23/2012

I've always used the technique of asking if what they say is true of just a good story. I always ask twice, giving them the chance to fess up. If they tell the truth, there is no penalty for a lie. We will discuss the "good story" and talk about what bad things a lie can cause. Has worked well for me, even when my kids were teenagers.

[All Seeing Guy]

05:15 AM on 01/23/2012

Encourage it. It could lead to a profitable legal or political career.

[Corpilot]

04:53 AM on 01/23/2012

Children dont understand the term "less upset"...to them either you are upset or you aren't.