Love In Marriage: Long-Term Love May Not Be Uncommon, Study Says

Can those butterflies at the beginning of a relationship really last a lifetime?

Yes, according to a new study released online Wednesday.

Researchers at Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, New York, and Harvey Mudd College in Claremont, California found that 40 percent of individuals married more than 10 years report feeling the same level of love for their partner as those newly in love.

The study, entitled "Is Long-Term Love More Than A Rare Phenomenon? If So, What Are Its Correlates?" surveyed 274 married American adults about how they rate their feelings for their partners, from "not at all in love" to "very intensely in love." Researchers found that certain behaviors were common among individuals who loved their partners intensely, with a significant difference between the sexes.

For men, wanting to know where their partner was at all times correlated significantly with intense love. Meanwhile, passion about "nonrelationship factors" correlated significantly with intense love for women.

HuffPost blogger Iris Krasnow found similar anecdotal evidence in her book The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes To Stay Married, in which she highlights the importance of separate hobbies and passions in marriage. She writes: "In order to keep the promise 'till death do us part' without killing someone first, a woman must have work and hobbies she loves," suggesting that wives seek space in their marriages.

According to the Stony Brook study, affectionate behavior and sexual intercourse is also correlated with long-term intense love in marriage. That's not surprising: a recent survey similarly found that couples benefit from cuddling.

Other factors that contributed to feelings of intense love included thinking positively about one's partner, thinking about one's partner when apart, sharing different and challenging activities and general life happiness.

Comments

[ladywiccan]

10:34 PM on 02/05/2012

hubby and I have been married almost 45 years for me it was love at first sight, he said it took a minute or two and we're still falling.My brother has never been married, no long term commitment, Our children are all working on a second, third or fourth, I've lost count, My sister is ten years older than I and she's going on to her 60th anniversary and her kids as well have been married multible times, her grandkids just live with their other half

[LemmonHerk]

09:21 PM on 02/05/2012

"... [W]anting to know where their partner was at all times ..." doesn't sound one bit like "intense love" to me. It sounds like the kind of controlling, manipulative crap that is an early sign of self-esteem issues, jealousy and a high potential for physical abuse.

[ladywiccan]

10:26 PM on 02/05/2012

wow, who burned your fingers?

[sparkygirl91]

08:37 PM on 02/05/2012

I've no clue about anything and never could understand why something so simple should be so difficult. I've given up on the notion that love will ever find me, or vice-versa, and although happy for those who have achieved and endured a long and lasting relationship, I admit I'm envious. Love is not always meant for everyone....at least that's what I have to tell myself.

[sassycats61]

08:54 PM on 02/05/2012

I read everywhere that love will find you when you least expect it. Being recently divorced I want to enjoy my single life for a while before venturing into another relationship. My friend at work told me "You can't close your heart to love...I won't let you." Told her I was in no hurry then thought to myself "I will decide when I am ready." Everything that has happened to you in your life has brought you where you are today and everyone's life journey is different. You do what is right for you and don't let anyone pressure you into what they think you should do and/or when.

[sparkygirl91]

09:27 PM on 02/05/2012

Thanks for your kind words. I leasted expected about a hear ago (after a dry spell of nearly 17 years) and it just kicked me in the head and heart so.........I think this train's stopped running. Sorry about your divorce but, as you say, you want to enjoy your single life and I'm sure you will. Take care.

[sparkygirl91]

09:28 PM on 02/05/2012

Wow, I really can't spell today - LOL...."..* I least* "....a *year* ago.....

[terwalk2]

09:10 PM on 02/05/2012

yea, i hear ya babe but, itll happen

[shirland85]

07:50 PM on 02/05/2012

My husband and I were married for 26 years, he passed away in November 2011 from cancer. I love him as much today as I did the day I married him. We had respect for each other. We talked about everything but the most important part of our marriage was he was the man and I was his wife, that is how we lived. He worked and I stayed at home taking care of our three children.
He is gone for now but I know we will be together again one day, and that day can not get here soon enough for me. I love you T , now and forever !

[sunnigrl0923]

08:41 PM on 02/05/2012

that is so sweeeeeeeeeeeet

[donnasayeth]

05:53 PM on 02/05/2012

Congratulations everyone that has had the kind of love you wanted. Sorry to say, my experience hasn't been as successful as you alls. Hopefully, before I die, there will be a nice guy I can fall in love with.

[jf12]

11:58 PM on 02/05/2012

There are a lot of nice guys. Their existence isn't the problem.

[donnasayeth]

01:20 AM on 02/06/2012

What is the problem? Just want to know.

[drj516]

05:52 PM on 02/05/2012

Much of the problems have to do with people's expectations about marriage and what it entails. The recognition that it was easy, in 1900, to promise to be together "as long as you both shall live" when the average life expectancy was 49.6 for men, and 49.3 for women (due to mortality occurring in women from complications of childbirth). Now, with lifespans into the 80's for women and upper 70's for men, it takes something else. My wife and I (37 years married) changed one letter in that phrase and it's made all the difference. We changed the "i" to an "o," promising to live together "as long as we both shall love." There are no "blank-checks," and we keep open the lines of communication and respect each others boundaries. As a Psychologist for over 34 years, I have found ways to assist people to come to a more satisfying relationship. Check out my article, "Marital Conflict," to see how I hold each partner responsible for their contribution to resolving conflicts. It's at:
jamesbarrickphd.com/MaritalConflict.en.html

[terwalk2]

09:14 PM on 02/05/2012

you went to college to learn that in a good relationship you first have to RESPECT each other?wow my ma and pa taught me that.

[Rogir Wabbit]

05:28 PM on 02/05/2012

My wife and I have been together for 27 years. 25 of the happiest years of my life.

[eveningswhisper]

05:26 PM on 02/05/2012

I have been married for 28 years, my husband tells me I am more sexy today than when we first got married. He would tell my this while I went through chemotherapy and bald...lol...He said my head was sexy bald and has a nice shape. We have seen each other at our worst and can still call each other sexy...I see him in pain because of his health issues and still feel he is sexy, sweet and my best friend.

[emalene]

05:16 PM on 02/05/2012

Celebrated our 50th Anniversary this week,still in love. For us the key ingrediant is HUMOR. You got to learn to laugh together ,certainly shared goals, values and respect but life has so many ups and downs but if you laugh together and work as a team so many problems work out.
We eloped 50 years ago and decided to have a grand 50th Anniversary Party, more like a wedding and what fun when you already know the marriage is great.

[Willie Livingston]

05:14 PM on 02/05/2012

the only way women can love someone for more than a minute, is if the guy is totally hot, and has lots of money. doesnt matter if he is kind, considerate, loving, romantic, totally dedicated, and willing to compromise. all that matters is the first two.

[undrgrndgirl]

05:28 PM on 02/05/2012

w.r.o.n.g.

[kaylakay]

05:32 PM on 02/05/2012

Thats funny considering I'm the bread winner in my household. Quit being so jaded

[kolblh]

05:00 PM on 02/05/2012

My wife and I have been happily married for 58 years. I can truly say we are still in love. Love is many things, respect, understanding, loyalty, forgiveness, being there for each other, tears, sorrow, a smile. I'm a Korean War veteran and while gone I never worried if she would wait, we were married when I returned and I can truly say, "Lived happily ever after."

[undrgrndgirl]

05:29 PM on 02/05/2012

congrats to you and your wife.

[bridgeman]

02:28 AM on 02/05/2012

I know so many great people at our Church that have been in love and happily married for
30 and 40+ years.

It can and does happen with God's help.

[ggolds5]

02:53 AM on 02/04/2012

My parents were in love for 47 years. My grandparents for 76 years. My sister and brother over 25 a piece. I however, I'm working on it. The one ingredient that they all shared. Selflessness. No feministic ranting, no physical abuse, no lack of respect. Constant appreciation, and yes, good wild sex I'm told. The relationships lacked selfishness and they were devoted to each other. They all had a semi religeous Jewish backround. Yes, thats important. Religion does make roots. Mainly the women new how to make their men feel like men, and the men new how to make their women feel like women. No pathetic talk about equality, as only ignorant people think that men and women could be equal. 1st grade math, equal means the same. Basic knowledge most women seem to argue on a regular basis these days. We don't want to be equal. We want to appreciate and celebrate what makes us different. Everything people stand for today is total and complete anti-relationship principles. If you want lessons on how to keep someone you love?, try the old fassioned way. Tradition, love, devotion, and selflessness. Try it , it works.

[schatsie]

01:41 PM on 02/05/2012

I think that Respect is the critical factor....That way nothing else matters....

[undrgrndgirl]

05:38 PM on 02/05/2012

love, devotion and selflessness do not need "tradition" as in societal gender roles (or religion) to make a relationship work...my husband was far better in the kitchen than i, so he cooked, i was better with hands on "guy" stuff (like fixing electrical problems, lighting the furnace, etc) so i did that...thing is not to care what the neighbors think... human beings ARE equal - one gender is not better than the other. one is not innately suited to one narrow definition of activities and the other suited to another narrow definition of other activities...

[Mindy Czech]

12:20 AM on 02/04/2012

I met my wife Cindy when we were thirteen. I fell for her instantly- I thought she was so pretty and funny, and I cherished every second I spent with her. I didn't want to approach the subject of liking her because I worried it would scare her off, and I didn't want to ruin the friendship. I left the school we went to in the middle of my junior year, and we kept in touch for a little while, but then lost it. I thought about her all the time, and a few years later we came back in contact on facebook. We got together and all of those feelings came flooding back. I told her a couple months after we started talking again that I had been in love with her since we were thirteen, and she admitted she has wanted me ever since then too, but held the same reservations I did. We've been together ever since. I still get butterflies every time I kiss her, and I look forward to waking up in the morning because I know she will be there. Twelve years I have wanted and loved her, and I love her more every second of every day. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and that will never change.

[Kiki Mitchell]

09:32 PM on 02/05/2012

You are both blessed to have such love. Thank you for sharing your story.

[jf12]

01:35 PM on 02/03/2012

Speaking of cuddling, nuzzling and kissing expose you to your partner's saliva and neck scents. Indeed, when you lift you partner's shirt to your nose to inhale his or her special odor, you don't sniff the armpits, you sniff the neckline. Trust me. These are the imprinting scents: saliva and neck.

[Anne Siperek]

06:46 PM on 02/03/2012

yes, I believe this. The smell of the neck...ahhhhhh. my boyfriend smells wonderful.

[Mindy Czech]

12:22 AM on 02/04/2012

I've noticed with Cindy, it doesn't matter what cologne she wears or body wash she uses, she always smells the same. The scent lingers on our sheets, pillow and blankets, and I just love it. She always smells so lovely. I also love to smell her hair. Oftentimes, when we are cuddling and falling asleep, I will just lay there and smell her hair. It's so comforting.

[jf12]

12:48 AM on 02/04/2012

My two favorite spots to smell on women, from my limited samples, are greasy spots on opposite ends of the spine. I don't know if men are the same. The back of the head at the base of the skull, roughly where the hair is thickest. Unfortunately my wife usually uses a lot of hairspray, except right after washing it, when it doesn't smell much like her her. And where the tail would start, if we had tails, at the top of and not far inside of the buttock cleft.

I'm greasy-faced, like a lot of guys, and when unwashed (and whiskered) my wife tends to sniff/nuzzle along my cheek and jawline. There must be scent glands there no matter what others may say. Actually I exude a lot, and my pillow is drenched in me after just a night or two. Lingering isn't the word; maybe besmirched.