Office Romance: Where Is the Line Between Flirting and Schmoozing At Work?

True, Jim and Pam's "Office" romance is a rare and beautiful thing. But while office romances are common, office flirtations are probably even more common -- so much so that it's sometimes hard to tell when they're happening. When you lock eyes with a certain someone across the conference room table, is that someone flirting or just looking to silently commiserate about the abject boredom in which you are both mired?

Today on The Grindstone, Linsey Cross asked whether or not it's appropriate to use flirtation as a managing tool at the office. Cross isn't the first to raise the question -- Catherine Hakim's "Erotic Capital" famously argued that women and men should use all the tools at their disposal to get ahead -- including their sex appeal. Cross ultimately came out against this technique, recalling how a flirty boss went from having devoted subordinates and universal popularity to being resented by all once they realized "their devotion would never be returned."

In an interview with Forbes, Nicole Williams, author of "Girl on Top: Your Guide to Turning Dating Rules into Career Success," argued her case for flirting at work, calling it "empowering" and describing it as an "extension of good networking skills"; after all, it involves eye contact, listening and smiling, just with what Forbes called "a dash of flirtatious nuance":

Williams defines flirting as an effort to make the other person feel confident and attractive (the dictionary definition isn't far off: "to behave amorously without serious intent"), so she also advises giving an authentic compliment or offering a touch on the hand.

While being sociable at work is clearly a component of of success, where do you draw the line between 'schmoozing' and actual flirting? And is flirting really that harmful?

Comments

[cmichaels41]

03:00 PM on 01/18/2013

You should keep relationships at work with the opposite sex friendly ... not flirty, not sexual when you are in a relationship. You should never cross the line and I believe we all know when we're crossing the line and beginning to talk about inappropriate subjects. Men play the game, saying they were just flirting, there is no such thing as "harmless flirting", it only ends up hurting someone. Be a single person if you want that type of life so no one can get hurt and you can flirt all you like!

[John Genryu]

12:38 PM on 03/29/2012

"where do you draw the line between 'schmoozing' and actual flirting?"

Usually at holding hands afterwards.

"And is flirting really that harmful?"

Absolutely not. It's just a shame that so many Americans feel guilty about it. You have lovely eyes by the way. ;)

[Andrea in the City]

11:59 AM on 03/06/2012

Extremely slipery slope with excellent rewards and equally damaging risks. I work in IT at an Investment Bank...and the ultimate "boys club". In order to get in the inner cricle per say or gain the level of trust with the large amount of men I work with in order to succeed flirting, playful bantor etc has been a good tactic. Being a woman who they can tell a dirty joke too or make silly comment with a sexual undertone to can help tremendously in your favor. I've been given opportunities and have to ability to get things done quicker and easier because I am seen as "one of the homies". However there is a huge downside. I'm young and though not a supermodel, relatively attractive especially in my field. Many of the older women, or men who I am not "flirting" with usually do not see my innocent playfulness the same way I do. People take it the wrong way, assume you must be sleeping with the senior manager who is always swinging by your desk to laugh with you.

[Seppowatcher]

10:32 PM on 03/04/2012

The line is never apparent unless you cross it. That is the danger with office romances.

[Jim281]

03:34 PM on 02/14/2012

In this day and age, even the APPEARANCE of impropriety is something to avoid like the plague!

Don't get me wrong. There are many coworkers in my past who became lifelong friends. Even so, we always saved "letting our hair down" for OUTSIDE the office.

Two men I knew (from different branches of the same company) got "involved" with women at work, and BOTH ended up fired when the company was threatened by harrassment suits.

[Baldheaded Fool]

09:00 PM on 02/13/2012

Am I the only guy in this forum who doesn't have any attractive co-workers? Most of mine are overweight, bitter baby boomers. I live in Austin.

[timbeaux]

04:59 PM on 02/13/2012

Any man who flirts in a business environment today is completely, certifiably nuts. Any man who responds to flirtation from a woman in a business environment today is equally nuts. Wake uom guys, it's a minefield.

And there are lots and lots of women to flirt with outside the office.

[Amadahy]

05:10 PM on 02/13/2012

LOL It sounds to me like you don't know how to 1. read the person your flirting with 2. respond accordingly

If you're unable to do these two things than yes you're nuts.

[timbeaux]

05:25 PM on 02/13/2012

You're nuts either way. If there's ever a problem -- and hard as it may be to believe, there are occasionally problems between men and women -- in an office environment the man is automatically to blame, unless there's a whole wall of evidence to the contrary, which there never is. Save the flirtations for people who aren't your colleagues.

[MaleMatters]

09:24 AM on 02/14/2012

Amadahy, to get an idea timbeaux feels that way, may I recommend an in-depth look at the sexes' most destructive behavioral difference:

"The Sexual Harassment Quagmire" at http://malemattersusa.wordpress.com/2011/12/11/the-sexual-harassment-quagmire/

[Amadahy]

02:33 AM on 02/13/2012

I flirt with women including my boss all the time. The fine line is knowing yours and her comfort level.

If she communicates to you in verbal or non-verbal ways its not ok, you back off. If she smiles or blushes or throws it right back at you, you enjoy it and have a better day because of it and they will too.

The one's who get in trouble simply aren't good at picking up on the nuances of communication, the subtle or not so subtle clues, and really paying attention to the other person.

I always start it off completely innocent, eye contact. Then it's a smile. If they respond positively to you you continue on; if they don't you stop. That's it.

Flirting isn't a crucial tool in the workplace, but it makes it more bareable that's for sure, even fun.

[GustavoRejivik]

10:51 PM on 02/12/2012

Amazing how 20 years ago women were fighting to remove sex from the workplace .. now women are trying to reintroduce it to their advantage, and on their terms.

Where to draw the line? Problem is the line is in a different place for every woman, and for every woman man relationship within the workplace. Really, it depends completely on if the woman likes the man, if she does, its a flirt .. if not its harassment .. completely subjective, completely the woman's judgment at the time... and that can change in a minute.

My advice to guys .. keep your distance and remain strictly professional.

[Jennifer Kley]

12:52 PM on 02/12/2012

I've rarely laid eyes on coworkers in a romantic fashion, though I've had a boss or two who had smidgens of flirtation toward me. Can we say UNcomfortable? While at work I'm too busy trying to not lose my jobs that the last thing on my mind is hooking up with a coworker. Not to mention if/when it doesn't work out. Hideousness all around. It's already difficult to show up at a job five days/week; adding awkwardness must only make it more difficult. There aren't enough sick days to squirm out of awkwardness.

http://thecubiclerebel.wordpress.com/

[kolson780]

12:06 PM on 02/12/2012

I think that flirting only crosses the line when the underlying intentions behind the flirting cross the line. There is nothing wrong with friendly banter, joking, inside jokes etc. It is when the intention becomes sexual, or power grabbing that flirting becomes harmful. I also like to ask myself; would I tell my husband about this? If not, then I know I've crossed the line. I worked as a waitress and bartender forever and I always "flirted" with the men and the women. For many, these types of interactions can be an ego boost, a pleasant social interaction and even fun. As an avid flirter, knowing your limits is the key to safe and fun flirting, even in the workplace.

[GustavoRejivik]

10:57 PM on 02/12/2012

Interesting tidbit .. most men and most women simply lack the skills to flirt and ego boost and joke or banter within a work environment. Problem with crossing the line is that every woman's line is different, there is no standard, and that line changes depending on her perception/attraction to the man .. so one man's flirt is another's harassment lawsuit...

[Aquatic]

10:27 AM on 02/13/2012

I think most people do sense whether the flirting is being returned or whether the "flirter" is simply making the "flirtee" feel uncomfortable. But I've worked in a few places where a man made new (young and attractive) female employees nervous. In every one of those cases, her boss quietly said, "Let me know if his attention is unwelcome, because it's happened before." And the "flirtee" said "Yes, please help make him stop" in every case. No lawsuits, just a small group of allies blocking the obnoxious man's access to his target! Lucky to have coworkers like that--I know it's not always the case.

[evecaren]

11:26 AM on 02/12/2012

Office romances rarely work out. Many moons ago while I was going to university, I worked
at a company during the summer as a typist. While working there, I met a guy who
also worked at that company. We shared a few interests in common and he made me laugh.
We got along well together, so I wasn't surprised when he asked me out. It was never serious.
We just enjoyed each others company and it was an enjoyable summer because we attended
concerts together and went for boat rides in a sailboat that belonged to a friend of his. Our
relationship was never sexual. We just liked hanging out together. Eventually though, the summer
ended as well as my summer job. I went back to school and we parted on good terms, but if
we hadn't parted on good terms, imagine how awkard that would have been working in the same office.

[MaleMatters]

11:59 AM on 02/11/2012

In the beginning of her book "Erotic Capital," Catherine Hakim asks, “Why does no one encourage women to exploit men whenever they can?”

Suppose a man said, “Why does no one encourage men to exploit women?" Would he be taken as seriously as Hakim is? Or would he be run out of the country?

By "exploit men," Hakim means women should flirt and tease their way to success.

But in effect she is telling women to create a hostile work environment that exposes men to an even greater risk of sexual-harassment charges.

Articles about flirting usually take the female view. That's why, I believe, many of the male commenters here expressed resentment about this article.

For a male view about flirting and sexual harassment, read an in-depth look at the sexes' most destructive behavioral difference: "The Sexual Harassment Quagmire" at http://malemattersusa.wordpress.com/2011/12/11/the-sexual-harassment-quagmire/

[GustavoRejivik]

11:06 PM on 02/12/2012

This whole Sexual Harassment Era has been twisted around to a woman's advantage .. women are protected and men are viewed as 100% guilty in the eyes of HR .. meanwhile women are not sugar and sweet, that's a misconception .. many Career women are sly, devious and manipulative .. bad female traits aren't accounted for in today's workplace .. while bad male behavior is punished .. women get off scott free.

[Cowboy24]

03:19 PM on 02/29/2012

Yea it's pretty scary. I'm so careful around the women I work with but they seem comfortable breaking personal space and touching my arms and stuff.

It's obviously not equal.

[jf12]

11:17 AM on 02/11/2012

The easy way to tell if the woman is serious is if the man is known to have had office romances. If she flirts with him, she is serious whether or not she lies about being serious.

[greenshibuya]

02:58 AM on 02/11/2012

I have seen flirting go badly for some women. One woman pushed her luck and did a lot of flirting with guys when she wanted to get them to do stuff for her. A couple of the guys later realized that she was just using them and they went about trying to undermine her. When she needed IT Support, she was SOL.

Also, other women can quickly label a flirt as a tramp, and feel threatened by a good looking woman who is getting lots of attention. Watch out if you get the sisterhood plotting behind your back.

Flirting always leads to something, one former colleague ended up in the sack with a senior manager she used to flirt with. He was married, she wasn't.

Overall I would say its not a one size fits all issue. Some women might be able to improve their career by flirting, but others could just as easily tank it. If you are good at flirting and know how to diffuse a situation after you have got a guy a little to interested in you, it might work. If you have only really flirted with guys you want to attract, you may find it hard to do with guys you do not really like, and if you do not know how to let them down easily without the guys resenting you, then do not attempt it at work!