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Funny Valentine's Day Quotes By Comedians (PHOTOS)

The Huffington Post  |  By Posted: 02/13/2012 9:58 am Updated: 05/08/2012 3:30 pm

Funny Valentines Day Quotes

If you've landed here in search of a sweet sonnet or other classically romantic line to share with a loved on this Valentine's Day, you might not have come to the right place. But if jokes about the notoriously divisive holiday by some of our favorite comedians is what you're looking for, then we've got you covered.

Check out what 15 different comedians have said in their acts about the day where every person -- not just those in relationships -- has the chance to be emotionally disappointed. If there's one thing about Valentine's Day that Stephen Colbert, Aisha Tyler, Mike Birbiglia and the rest of the comics can agree on, it's that there's always room to take it less seriously. Vote for your favorites!

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  • Ed Helms

    "February is a month of months, and there is one special day: Valentine's Day on the 14th. I know it's still a ways off, but I just can't wait. Janice, if you're watching, will you make me the happiest man in the world and get out of my apartment?" -<a href="http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-february-4-2003/mark-your-calendar---february" target="_hplink">Ed Helms</a>

  • Lewis Black

    "Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone." -<a href="http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-february-10-1999/back-in-black---valentine-s-day" target="_hplink">Lewis Black</a>

  • Greg Giraldo

    "Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now <i>everyone</i>'s like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!" -<a href="http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=82075&title=greg-giraldo-valentines-day" target="_hplink">Greg Giraldo</a>

  • Jimmy Fallon

    "Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." -<a href="http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/valentines-day/1200951" target="_hplink">Jimmy Fallon (as Robert Pattinson)</a>

  • Russ Meneve

    "Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!'" -<a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/russ-meneve/videos/russ-meneve---valentine-s-day/" target="_hplink">Russ Meneve</a>

  • Laura Kightlinger

    "It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's, boom! There's Valentine's Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine's Day just called, 'Who could love you?'" -<a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/laura-kightlinger/videos/laura-kightlinger---who-could-love-you" target="_hplink">Laura Kightlinger</a>

  • Mo Rocca

    "I have a dream, and a plan, to combine the commercial possibilities of Valentine's Day with the substance and meaning of black history month. I call it: Blackentine's Day." -<a href="http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-february-13-2001/blackentine-s-day" target="_hplink">Mo Rocca</a>

  • George Lopez

    "The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.'" -<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vR6JRIx_hFE" target="_hplink">George Lopez</a>

  • Jon Stewart

    "Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything." -<a href="http://www.logan.ws/quotes/valentines-day.asp" target="_hplink">Jon Stewart</a>

  • David Letterman

    <strong>Valentine's Day money-saving tips: </strong> <br> Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. <br> In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. <br> Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets! <br> -<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SowhnUYSWqU&feature=player_embedded" target="_hplink">David Letterman</a>

  • Mike Birbiglia's Childhood Valentines

    "I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!" -<a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/mike-birbiglia/videos/mike-birbiglia---valentine-s-day-cards/" target="_hplink">Mike Birbiglia</a>

  • Jay Leno

    "Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day." -<a href="http://www.suite101.com/content/funny-valentines-day-quotes-and-sayings-a92446" target="_hplink">Jay Leno</a>

  • Aisha Tyler

    "Every year, girls are like, 'This is the year I get diamonds!' And guys are like, 'This is the year I get a blowjob!' Everybody's disappointed." -<a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/aisha-tyler/videos/aisha-tyler---valentine-s-day" target="_hplink">Aisha Tyler</a>

  • Doug Mellard

    "Let me tell you why I hate Valentine's day: Because a few years ago on Valentine's night I thought I would have nice romantic evening in with the lady. Little did I know, that same night, her ex boyfriend decided he would win her heart back. And being the sweet, romantic guy that he is, he thought the best way to do this was to get all coked up and then jump through a window and TRY TO MURDER ME... You know what, it worked. They're still together." -<a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/doug-mellard/videos/doug-mellard---valentine-s-day" target="_hplink">Doug Mellard</a>

  • Stephen Colbert

    "Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old." -<a href="http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/182665/february-14-2007/safe-sex-for-senior-citizens" target="_hplink">Stephen Colbert</a>

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