Waffle House 'Poem' May Be The Worst In History

The literary tradition of the American South is rich and varied. The region has produced world-renowned novelists (Faulkner, Chopin) and poets (Warren, Ransom) alike. But this week, one brave Southern scribe showed that the weight of the past need not keep would-be literati away. That's nothing new -- poets have been shirking off the anxiety of influence ever since Homer wrote "The Odyssey." What is new is the identity of this week's entrant: Waffle House.

The Georgia-based fast-food chain spurned the traditional venues for a bold new poet in favor of the Waffle House Facebook page, an up-and-coming literary 'zine. Here's the poem:

Waffle House Waffle House
We are home grown

Where the Customer is king
And every booth is a throne

Waffle House Waffle House
Home away from home

Scattered Smothered Covered Diced
The All-Star zone

Waffle House Waffle House
New home of the Toddle House

Come one come all
Bring the whole family out

Waffle House Waffle House
We're here 24/7

Bert's Chili, Alice's Tea
Welcome to heaven

What's so brilliant about this work of verse is that it poses as a relatively simple jingle, but actually contains multitudes. The repetition of the commercial brand "Waffle House" cleverly parodies the echolalia of American TV ads, and the juxtaposition of "Come one come all" and "Bring the whole family out" plaintively bemoans the strip-mining of the concept of family values for political slogans. It's hard to think of a better way to express the despair of late capitalism than "Scattered Smothered Covered Diced." And that final line! The end of the poem mirrors the end of life itself -- while promising a blissful eternity of patty melts and hashbrowns.

The poem is also profound on a formal level. For example, there's undoubtedly a ineffable method to the madness of the heretofore-unseen ABCBADEBAAFGAHIH rhyme scheme. Likewise, we can only guess at the intentionality underlying the meter of the poem, which darts wildly between four-, five-, six- and seven-beat lines. The lack of punctuation and unpredictable punctuation is surely a reference to the work of Southern son A.R. Ammons.

That -- or Waffle House just wrote the worst poem of all time.

Yep, actually, after giving it a quick second read we can pretty confidently say it's the world's worst poem. Waffle House, it might be best if you stick to making gravy and staying open during natural disasters.

Comments

[apleasurewolf]

11:58 AM on 01/12/2013

In the early 90's the kids at my midwestern liberal arts college frequented a waffle house that hada unique poem on the placemat. I would love to see a version of that old placemat with truly the worst poem in history printed on the front, beginning with "Hunker Down" and followed soon after my such phrases as "Cheap food on a cowboy's pay" and "Cookie made some stew but we all know what Cookie's stew can do" with the resounding and repeating refrain..."Waffle House!"....I wonder if anybody could find that. If so, please email me with it @ [e-mail]

[kaos42]

12:25 AM on 03/27/2012

I've heard worse than that. I've listened to VOGON POETRY!

(For those who don't get it, read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams)

[TSRVT]

07:54 AM on 03/27/2012

"Ode to a small lump of green putty I found in my armpit one warm summer morning" or something like that. Howl gargle gargle.

[kaos42]

09:17 PM on 03/27/2012

Actually, that was by Grunthos the flatulent, but you're close.

"Oh flundered gruntbuggly,
Thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
On a lurgid bee..."

[grailknight]

11:00 PM on 03/26/2012

Homer didn't write the Odyssey. It's a composition of oral traditon from the 8th century BC. It wasn't written down until the 5th century BC.

[David Pawson]

07:24 PM on 03/26/2012

You obviously haven't read much poetry, Joe. There's some really REALLY horrible stuff out there. A lot of it is even set to music and played on the radio. Yeah, this isn't exaclty Keats or Frost, but it's not the worst.

[TSRVT]

07:55 AM on 03/27/2012

I think maybe Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" is a good candidate for worlds worst.

[V-is-i-tor]

07:23 PM on 03/26/2012

Waffle House iz the biznazz

[360Dunk]

05:55 PM on 03/26/2012

Waffle House is the only place where 14 people all look up and greet you as you stagger in drunk at 2 a.m., very forgiving of your garlic and beer breath. They get a big tip if there are no hairs in my food.

[onkelpetey]

05:38 PM on 03/26/2012

It's a Waffle House! Not a freakin' Hallmark store!

[bobby cormier]

05:59 PM on 03/26/2012

yup. that's true. hallmark is where you find great poetry.

[onkelpetey]

06:09 PM on 03/26/2012

Well, when you live in a small town ... Hallmark is as close as you can get to poetry without having to write it yourself.

[carnivaluv]

04:43 PM on 03/26/2012

A cheese and onion omelet, hashbrowns with onions and a Mr. Pibb with extra, extra vanilla syrup. Yummy!!! The poem is just fine. I'll always eat there.

[artbreadman007]

04:37 PM on 03/26/2012

Attributed to Jim Gaffigan:
"The motto of Waffle House should be; it's 3am still time for one more bad decision"

[John Talley]

04:22 PM on 03/26/2012

Huffington, Puffington, serious Post
These are the writings that thrill me the most
Indignant you are at the juvenile rhymes
The poet should be strung up for his crimes
So fire away at the talent-less writer
Your comments can't help but make you feel brighter

[V-is-i-tor]

07:25 PM on 03/26/2012

"Huffington, Puffington..." bahahahahaaa!!!! Love it!

[hsbeak]

03:30 PM on 03/26/2012

Chopin? I thought he was a European composer.

[360Dunk]

05:36 PM on 03/26/2012

Yes, but he was known as the 'poet of the piano'.....hence the tie-in to the story.

[grailknight]

11:07 PM on 03/26/2012

Kate Chopin, 1850-1904. She wrote a novel called "The Awakening," which was very controversial at the time.

[Mr Murf]

03:22 PM on 03/26/2012

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
This one don't

original author unknown

[Swimdude]

02:37 PM on 03/26/2012

I have eaten at the Local "Awful House" twice in the last Three years. There is a waitress that has a Happy Birthday button she wears that has dollar bills attached to the button. I guess the plan is to get people to give her extra money because it is her Birthday. The only question I have is why was her birthday in August one time and in January the next?

[carnivaluv]

04:37 PM on 03/26/2012

You should have asked her.

[fpwillson]

02:13 PM on 03/26/2012

That name, Waffle House, reminds me of the "one time" we ate there on a driving trip through the south. Locals later told me that they call it the "Awful House." That is exactly the right name!
The waitress asked if I wanted toast. I asked what kind they had. She said, "White..."
That pretty much sums up the quality of the experience.

[Christine Chew]

01:51 PM on 03/26/2012

Yikes. My last memory of Waffle House is in Columbus, OH around 4 A.M. after taking a kid to the strip club for his birthday. Terrible experience, but memorable.