The Moment I Knew My Marriage Was Over: 'Start Over Smart' Attendees Weigh In

When we launched Huffington Post Divorce in November of 2010, we asked readers to let us know via Twitter: What was the moment you knew your marriage was over?

The response was phenomenal: hundreds of people weighed in, both via tweet and in the comments. Their responses ranged from the darkly comic ("He crumbled baguettes all over the food and serving utensils knowing I have a severe wheat allergy") to the heart-breaking ("When he said I'd be important to him in 20 years, after his retirement").

In response to the success of the feature, the following year we hosted Moment I Knew Meetup events in Los Angeles, New York City, and all over the country where people shared their life-changing "moments" in person to packed rooms.

On March 31 and April 1, we brought the Moment I Knew concept to the Start Over Smart divorce expo in New York City, asking attendees--many of them recent divorcees--to step into a confessional-style booth outfitted with a video camera and bravely record their personal stories for us. Below, a selection of their "moments":

Comments

[Shauna Urban]

01:59 AM on 03/23/2013

Well during this trip the skin under my wedding ring was peeling off. Truly peeling off, only on my ring finger.I knew it wasn't low quality jewelry,I had bought our wedding bands,that's a whole other story! Shortly after we came home and I had taken off my ring , because it was painful to wear it. Then,several wks after being back,I found out that he had been cheating on me the entire time, even during our honeymoon.Yeah, it hurt like hell and I felt like a fool, a failure,not to mention,I wondered what was wrong w me. But, when I speak of his cheating in our newly founded commitment to each other, he also put me in great debt with all of his sex phone calls he was making,during this period. Idk which really came first. I know my wedding finger losing skin was probably some kind of sign, bt when I saw my credit card bills, which he kept away from my sight,I saw that he'd spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on these sex calls.That was it! I found my self respect again and decided I'd rather be single forever, than live with someone who devalued you me so greatly.I look back on it now and laugh. Thinking one day, my story would make the perfect Lifetime movie. Life's just 1 big LOLZ! Oh...my finger healed up quick, right after I decided to kick him out. Coincidence.. I think not ;)

[SushiforMayor]

05:10 PM on 12/14/2012

I was severely depressed. He told me that I needed a good beating to "fix" me. Fortunately, he was a too much of a coward to ever hit me.

[Twotokes]

01:18 PM on 05/16/2013

never ever hit a women,just call the law and have her removed from your house.i had one girl try to tell the cops we lived together ohhh so funny.a women will see my house for nomore than 4 days,then it's to slo,you gotta go babe.this ain't no permenant thang

[DynamicMentalFitness]

28 minutes ago (11:54 AM)

To bad you couldn't have legally beat him right there on the spot and say, "Thanks honey, you were right - I did need a good beating! You're the best!"

[SushiforMayor]

05:08 PM on 12/14/2012

I knew it was over when, I was severely depressed and he told me that I needed a good beating to "cure" it. Fortunately, he was too much of a coward to actually hit me.

[trishwc]

06:14 PM on 11/23/2012

I was outside on a treasure hunt with my kids. I had relapsed so was on drugs. (Codeine) For one moment..I was dead sober and I knew..he was going to kill me, I was going to kill me or I would overdose. It was a gift from above.

He had threatened divorce constantly. Kept me(and I let it happen) very isolated and away from my support group that had kept me sober for years. I said it once.

I walked inside and he took one look and asked "What's going on?" .." I'm filing for divorce Monday." I've been sober since.

[evolvedtg]

10:38 AM on 10/31/2012

When my daughter said, "Dad, you're drunk again." Before that, though I knew it was over, begged, demanded, etc., etc., he get help, get sober, get smart. But they loved their dad and I let them have him as long as possible. When she said that, I filed. 10 years ago. He's still drunk. Chose Budweiser over his family. Duh.

[Trinichick]

03:06 PM on 10/15/2012

I knew my marriage was over when after we seemed to get past ups and downs, I asked my EX to change the rear bulb in my car and he said "you're on your own with that one." Then paid $200hr for MC that further confirmed it was over for ME. Some days suck...but not everyday.

[WomensDivorceAdvice]

11:16 AM on 08/21/2012

When she starts hiding thing from me and she manage to live her life without me. I knew it was over when I caught her cheating and lying.

[TxnGram]

10:51 PM on 08/05/2012

We have been blessed with 25 years of ups and downs, but have chosen to remain married despite pitfalls such. Not all marriages have to end in divorce, ours is definitely not the societal norm! We are truly blessed by God!

[Christine Belon]

04:19 PM on 01/14/2013

Don't be so smug. Sometimes you try as hard as you can and your fate is still chosen for you.

[PennsylvaniaVoter]

10:37 PM on 08/02/2012

When I should have known: 3 months after we got married she was so stressed out by her Ph.D. program that she started behaving erratically. I was trying to look out for her mental health and suggested we could look for another Ph.D. program for her to transfer to and we could move there. She responded angrily, "If it ever comes down to my career our this marriage, I'm picking my career."

I was still in love with her. I hoped that once she got her degree she'd return to being the woman I fell in love with. It took another 5 years for her to finish, and somewhere along the way she had a complete mental break. I stayed through her talk of committing suicide and growing pharmacy of psychiatric medications. She took a "temporary" job 300 miles away, but I was still the breadwinner. We agreed to commute to see each other on alternate weekends. I spent the next 7 years driving 300 miles each way on alternate weekends. She never came to see me--she always had an excuse. At the 12 year mark she was stable, and I realized she still didn't care about my feelings.

The moment I knew? She told me to get her a three stone ring symbolizing past, present and future, but only if I meant it. In my heart I knew it would be a lie. That's when I knew it was over.

[paradisjudy]

10:04 AM on 07/31/2012

For Years I'd been lied to, caught him in numerous lies. Then I begin to suspect drug abuse. It's extremely difficult living with a liar, like having a poisonous snake in the house. BOTTOM LINE, OUR marriage was not built on. Godly, trusting foundation, thus it crumbled after 26 years.

[SingleMomBooks]

11:35 AM on 07/27/2012

I knew my marriage was over when my ex came home after more than six months of deployment and we had nothing to say to each other. He followed that up with, "I've had a lot of time to think and I want a divorce."

On a side note, what was a horrible day turned into a long list of the most amazing blessings.

[lyssa Dinelli]

06:48 PM on 04/20/2012

I knew my marriage was over when my mother died and two weeks later he told me she is dead to get over it. I was pregnant at the time. I made a decision to get my degree so I can get a decent job.

He controls everything the money, the phone, internet, everything, everything. When my mother passed I was pregnant (high risk/ she was born at 29 wks) with our fifth child and he was taking a nap wouldn’t drive me the 12 miles to get to my mom so I walked.

He knows I want to leave and has tried to scare me to say I cannot do it alone and I will have all of the kids and men will see I am vulnerable and they will take advantage and hurt me. I am not scared anymore. He can keep everything I don’t want anything but my freedom from him.

[Sue She]

08:26 PM on 04/23/2012

go girl, you can do it, you deserve better

[marinemomof3]

10:04 PM on 07/11/2012

You can do it GF !

I never ONCE looked back, different circumstances then yours.

Apri 22, 2002 is the day I finally got him to leave, FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, GOD ALMIGHTY, FREE AT LAST.

I had never repeated that quote til that moment when I closed the door!

[staritears]

12:59 AM on 04/20/2012

I told my husband when we first married, one strike and you are out. He wasn't home when his GF called me. He wouldn't be home for another two hours...long enough for me to pack all the clothes he had in grocery bags. nice suits, shoes, all of it. I work just as long and hard as my ex husband did, equal breadwinners. I was willing to hand over his boat, pool table and other things only AFTER he paid for our divorce. Today, we are good friends, I have been remarried for seven years to a man that I love dearly. My ex has been remarried and divorced twice. I never regretted not reconciling. I never even considered it. Cheating is his issue, he had to live with it, not me.

[Sue She]

08:27 PM on 04/23/2012

love the one strike and you're old policy! take note women.

[marinemomof3]

10:07 PM on 07/11/2012

Take note women for your HEALTH~

I took mine back, BIG MISTAKE........

One strike and out is it, never a second chance. Zebra's do not change their stripes.

Good advice Sue!

[evolvedtg]

10:46 AM on 10/31/2012

Your ex has been remarried and divorced twice.... Wanna know why? Because what do you GET when you get a man who cheats on his wife/girlfriend? You get a man who cheats on his wife/girlfriend. No brainer.

[pdxlacy]

12:40 AM on 04/18/2012

When he told me he would rather spend Christmas in Reno by himself than with my family....or his children.

[Modern and Proud]

08:43 PM on 04/11/2012

When my money was all stolen, my kids kidnapped and false accusations made against me.