04/12/2012 09:02 am ET

VINTAGE COMEDY: Remembering Mitch Hedberg

"I like escalators because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a sign that said, 'Escalator temporarily out-of-order.' Just 'Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"

"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something."

"I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no, but then I thought I might want a regular banana later, so I said yeah."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said, "forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were."

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

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