Doonan, the creative ambassador at large for Barneys New York and humorous writer extraordinaire for Slate, brought his British accent and signature floral shirts to "Conan" on Thursday night, chatting about his recent book, Gay Men Don't Get Fat.
The topic of conversation, of course, fixated on both men and fat, including the growing epidemic of man boobs. Yes, people, it's a thing. Said Doonan, "There's a horrible epidemic of man boobs and I keep on telling -- see, people are clutching their man boobs now, I can see it!"
This is very bad, intoned Doonan, because not all boobs are created equal:
"No one likes that. There aren't fetish clubs for man boobs. Like, man boobs are like hyenas and mosquitos and red ants and sharks: they don't need to exist. They're horrible. So I'm on a one-man campaign to rid the world of man boobs."
Oh Simon, how we adore your determination. It's that same dogged pursuit of refinement you demonstrated in your literary pursuits as well as your own extraordinary eating habits (how you live without guacamole we have no idea). While we could never achieve your level of bright-eyed, technicolor perfection, we admire it greatly.
And at least you won't pick on us for our boobs.
Watch Simon Doonan talk man boobs with Conan O'Brien, above.