Divorce Questions: How Do I Tell My Kids We're Getting A Divorce?

Wondering how to tell your kids you're getting a divorce? Here's what you need to know, from Rosalind Sedacca, the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of "How Do I Tell The Kids About The Divorce?" Have questions? Ask in the comments.

Preparing to break the divorce news to your kids? Wondering how to broach the subject and how much to share? How your children will react and how to handle their questions?

Well you’re not alone. Talking about divorce with your children is tough. You don’t want to make errors that you will regret.

There are many common mistakes parents make at this time. Here are five of the most important pitfalls you should avoid:

• Blaming or speaking disrespectfully about your children’s other parent. It creates pain, guilt and confusion for your kids. They wonder, “If there’s something wrong with Dad/Mom, there must be something wrong with me for loving them.” This can damage your parental relationship.

• Pressuring children to make choices. Most kids feel torn when asked to choose between their parents. Don’t put them in that position.

• Assuming that your children understand they are not to blame. Children are innocent victims of divorce. Remind them frequently that they are not at fault –- even, and especially, if you are fighting with their other parent about them.

• Confiding adult information to your children. Parents do this to try to bond with kids or win them over. It creates a burden that children can’t handle and they’ll resent you for it. Talk to adults about adult issues.

• Fighting in front of the children -- ever! Remember you will still be their parents following the divorce. The more you can create a parenting alliance, the happier and more stable your children will be.

Fortunately there’s a lot of support to turn to before having the tough "divorce talk." Speak to a divorce mediator or see a therapist. Find a child-centered or collaborative divorce attorney. Seek the advice of divorce and parenting coaches, school counselors or clergy. There are also many valuable books on this topic.

Whatever you do, prepare yourself in advance and try to approach the children together. Be aware of the impact of your words on their innocent psyches. Think before you speak, listen to your children’s responses, and be there to help them face the changes ahead with security, compassion and love.

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Comments

[El Chingaso]

12:35 PM on 04/29/2012

"Assuming that your children understand they are not to blame."

But don't spend too much time, either, elaborating on what "self-absorbed losers" mommy & daddy are...

[RosalindSedacca]

11:30 AM on 05/08/2012

It's our responsibility, as parents, to make sure our children don't feel they are to blame for the divorce. That's why we direct self-absorbed parents in a more responsible direction in parenting so they make better choices and are more aware of the consequences of every decision.

[gary Unruh]

10:20 AM on 04/29/2012

Great guidance for the divorce talk. Before the divorce talk, prepare yourself to answer your child’s questions about “what’s going to happen to me.” In my family counseling experience, I hear three main questions: “Will we be moving out of our house, will I be able to see my friends, and who will I live with?” If you do not know the answers say, “Those are good questions, I’ll tell you the minute I know.” Gary M Unruh MSW, Author

[RosalindSedacca]

11:28 AM on 05/08/2012

Love your suggestions, Gary. Keeping the dialogue open is essential. Being honest, yet keeping the information age-appropriate is also important.