How To Divorce: How Do I Get Joint Custody?

Wondering how to get joint custody? Here's what you need to know, from divorce lawyer Joseph E. Cordell, the author of the author of "Your Civil War: A Father's Guide to Winning Child Custody" and "The 10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce." Have questions? Ask in the comments.

If you are about to begin a child custody case, you need to familiarize yourself with the phrase “the best interests of the child.”

Almost every state determines child custody and parenting time issues based on the "best interests of the child" standard.

State statutes and case law define this standard differently, but in general there are certain factors and themes that appear in the majority of states.

Child Custody Laws: How Does Your State Decide Custody?

In general, factors in the child custody analysis will include your relationship with your children and your spouse, who the primary caregiver was during your marriage, the length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment and the desirability of maintaining continuity, the moral fitness of the parties involved, the home, school, and community record of the child, and any other factor considered by the court to be relevant to your family.

The best advice anyone could give a dad preparing for a custody battle is to become as active as possible in the lives of your children and to document everything.

Throughout the divorce process, realize that the court will evaluate your behavior in its entirety, taking into account not only the facts of the case, but also your demeanor. Irrational and aggressive behavior may have a profoundly detrimental effect on your case, so be mindful of your actions throughout the proceedings.

My most recent book “The 10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce” illustrates common blunders dads make that adversely affect their custody chances (e.g., moving out of the home, neglecting the children, etc.).

A crucial aspect that a dad frequently overlooks is the need to at least have joint legal custody if he is not likely to obtain primary physical custody of the child. Legal custody refers to a parent's decision-making rights regarding a child's health, education, and welfare. By exercising the veto power granted by joint legal custody, the dad can put the brakes on unilateral decisions the mom may be inclined to make respecting major issues.

In the absence of primary physical custody, joint legal custody becomes an important mechanism to prevent the mom from reducing the father to a child support ATM and glorified every-other-weekend babysitter.

Joseph Cordell is the Principal Partner of Cordell & Cordell, a nationwide domestic litigation firm focused on men's family law matters. Cordell & Cordell also provides a website dedicated to informing men on the divorce process and the challenges they face. Visit dadsdivorce.com for more information.

Related on HuffPost:

Comments

[Faye Wootton]

06:17 PM on 12/28/2012

I need help. My ex and I agree that our son needs a tonsillectomy...he won't let me do it while our son is with me and won't give a reason. I feel it's in our son's best interest to do it during his week with me, because it gives him a total of 11 days recovery (he is 2) with one on one time, as opposed to the 7 he will have if he just gets it done on his dad's week. What do I do? Nothing in the custody papers say anything at all about having to have the other parent's consent. I'm trying to work with him, but he isn't giving at all. Virginia.

[FunkyMaster]

09:31 PM on 05/16/2012

When going through my divorce, my primary objective was to minimize the pain to my child.

As they say, there are no winners. I wanted my child to be the closest to a winner as possible.

When grown up, we'll discuss this and I'll find out how much of an affect this all had.

[acialone2]

07:24 PM on 05/16/2012

One of the Posts said it best: "No one wins in custody battle, the children always loose" I fought for custody of my children for 5 yrs...During the court battle, we had joint custody alternating every other week paying around 20K a year in child support in addition I was paying all child care cost at 900/month, medical insurance including deductables. I was against this arrangement as it was not a stable environment for the children. Nonetheless, the children would go to moms on Sunday and be back at my house by Wednesday. I remember a day when mom drove the children to my house while i was cutting the grass and had the children ask me for money so they could by books at the book fair.

Mom disappeared in Sept, and the chidlren live with me full time now, she complains that I dont pay child support.

During my case not once did the court ask who or how the children where taken care of, the court doesnt care. And while in the end I have custody, it cost me my career, my life (women dont date men with children - thats their loss), I am having the best time of my life raising my daughters...

[averagezoe]

06:42 PM on 05/16/2012

That was an easy decision for me. When I filed for divorce, I made my husband an offer - relinquish your parental rights and never pay a dime in child support. It took a bit of prodding, but he eventually took me up on it. My daughter and I were able to walk away and have a great life without the interference of the colossal idiot I mistakenly married when I was too young and stupid to know better.

[jo34]

05:54 PM on 05/16/2012

I wanted to add for anyone who thinks they want don't want to share legal custody: think about the really big choices.

Do you want to be on your own in deciding if your 16 year old can get married?

Do you want to be the one who gives the green light for a plastic surgery procedure that you to have to carry on your shoulders if he or she changes their mind in the future?

Do you want to be the only one that has to say yes when it comes to the decisions you really don't want to have to make on your own? As much as you may dislike their other parent, it is nice to know their is someone else that has to be consulted on these things. Sure that person may disagree with you, you may have to be the mean one, but maybe you will come to find that person ends up being your backup for those tough calls.

[malpi398]

05:51 PM on 05/16/2012

No one wins a custody battle, the children always lose.

[jo34]

05:46 PM on 05/16/2012

If you want joint custody you will have your work cut out for you. I would also add one thing in regards to visitation: consider how not taking up arms might work. In some cases it will be obvious that in taking that path, you will only see less and less of your child and lose all chance of more time. On the other hand, I was surprised that I (the mom with primary physical custody) just needed time to adjust and now desire to have my ex spend more time with our child.

The first visit she had (by a three hour plane ride) only lasted five days. All their other visits had been when he was here on business. When we first talked of how long she would stay with him at any stretch, I could not imagine her away for more than a few days. She felt pretty much the same way. After that trip, I remember calling her dad and letting him know how grateful I was that he gave me time to adjust and that I was excited about her next visit - and I hoped he would have her for a longer stretch so they could have more time together.

I know it won't work for a lot of folks, but there are some who might benefit from giving the SAHM (or dad) time to adjust. They might find they don't have to go to war after all.

[James W Soseman]

08:15 PM on 05/16/2012

Let me guess how this came about, Dad works,Mom doesn't. Dad pays child support, Mom doesn't. Mom moved, Dad didn't. Mom FOUND somebody before she was divorced and he pays child support.

[Stewww]

01:59 PM on 05/16/2012

Here's the other term you need to be familiar with (from the article): "the moral fitness of the parties involved."

This is what got me full legal and physical custody and my ex-wife very limited supervised visitation. An unfortunate situation but much better than shuttling kids back and forth between two non-homes.

If you can't stick it out and be civil for 18 years, don't have kids! In fact, if you can't stick with something for 18 years, don't even get married. Go buy some form of birth control and spend your life whoring around. Leave family-raising to the adults.

[themechanicsix]

01:09 PM on 05/16/2012

In Maryland the woman almost always is the automatic winner. Truly a woman biased state.

[No7]

10:37 AM on 05/16/2012

so sad but these days the only ones that make out from marriage are caterers and divorce lawyers....

[slloyd414]

01:38 PM on 05/16/2012

Tell me about it. My divorce attorney charged an astronomical fee when he really didn't do anything. After I got tired of nothing being done, I gave up and we wrote up our own divorce and custody agreement.

[samt38]

10:30 AM on 05/16/2012

My kids father is an alcoholic and he is a violent person when things don't go his way. I've always had the upper hand in my custody. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Been sober for 2 yrs now and started paying child support. But lost out on years of their lives being a drunk. Still blames me for his problems.

[samt38]

10:32 AM on 05/16/2012

My new husbands ex.... they have 2 children together and they have shared parenting. Yets we pay child support and have them over 51% of the time. We pretty much have them when she works. Which was supposed to be 2 days a week and every other weekend. Now it's 3-4 days a week and every other weekend plus her fridays we have them overnight and she gets them in the morning. Things will change soon. As we are looking into this situation and what we can and will do to change this.

I do believe the system needs to change. When Child support was put into affect mothers didn't work. Fathers were the main supporters of the household. Now it's not the case. Some mothers make more than the fathers and are capable of maintaining a household on their own with shared parenting. I say if you both have them 50 % of the time there should be no support needed as both parents are providing for the children. It's almost impossible in some cases for a father to shell out 600-1200 dollars a month and still be able to live and support another family. Things need to change.

[Onwardigo]

02:32 PM on 05/16/2012

@ Samt38: "When Child support was put into affect mothers didn't work."

I think it is more accurately said "when ALIMONY was put into affect mothers didn't work". Child support is paid by both mothers and fathers. It is based upon percent of custody, coupled with earnings of each. The tables are turning here as women become the greater earners.

CS is for the child/ren. I can understand the frustration it must bring to see your husband's (and your) money fly out the window, but the bottom line is that it is for his children. And it is his responsibility.

When custody is 50/50, CS is then based soley upon the salary of the greater earner. That is about ensuring that the children can continue to live the life to which they were accustomed prior to the divorce. Though this rarely ever happens, unfortunately.

Therein lies the perils of coupling with someone who has the responsibility of supporting children from a prior marriage. I suppose that is one of the reasons why second marriages are so difficult when children are involved.

Good luck to you on your difficult path.

[slloyd414]

10:22 AM on 05/16/2012

Child support ATM? What miserably little, if any, child support I receive goes straight to things necessary for my child. I don't go on vacations. I don't shop for myself. I don't have a new car or new clothes. I don't buy jewelry. I don't go out with friends. I even have to use the internet service at a relative's. But you know what, I don't care as long as my child has everything he needs. Glasses aren't cheap. Medications aren't cheap. Clothing isn't cheap (and I don't buy the name brands.) Any man or woman who has a child is most certainly responsible for the financial costs of feeding, clothing, educating, and nurturing the child. It sickens me how many parents are so flipping worried that they will have to spend 50 cents more than the other parent on anything. Love your child. Take care of your child. Unconditionally. You don't need a stupid receipt to show you bought your child something once last year. Just do it. It's the child that matters. Step up and do what's right.

[camp4bell]

12:09 PM on 05/16/2012

The ATM part made me cringe too. I don't know anyone in a good divorce:( You sound strong, best wishes to you & your son.

[James W Soseman]

08:20 PM on 05/16/2012

I don't work and beer and cigarettes aren't cheap!

[Gursheel S Dhillon]

09:19 AM on 05/16/2012

Tennessee law is statutory that both parents have equal parenting time exactly to limit the child from being an ATM machine.

However, the best hint I can give another father is ask the court clerks who is the most connected lawyer.

In my case, the mother starved the child, the child suffered a major burn under her supervision and the courts give her increasing custody, because she now makes more money than I do.

Unless the courts start treating father's as equal parents..the children suffer and the attorneys make out like bandits.

[slloyd414]

10:22 AM on 05/16/2012

Did the mother intentionally cause the burn? Was the child deemed malnourished by physicians?

[slloyd414]

01:14 PM on 05/16/2012

By the way, I ask this because someone I know once had to battle to protect her child after the courts continued to give unsupervised visitation to her ex who had abused the child. Thankfully now, the abusive ex has no parental rights. I think TN has little interest in what's best for the children and are more worried about appeasing the parents. It's not that they don't see the father as an equal parent.

[Gursheel S Dhillon]

07:55 PM on 05/16/2012

The mother caused the burn supposedly by letting the child play next to an open flame and a pot...however you're point is well taken and it was very suspicious. That is negligent supervision...

Yes there was a medical determination made that the child was malnourished and fell off the growth charts in the four weeks the mother had an ex-parte restraining order filed against me. After the custody returned to normal the child in a few weeks regained some of his growth curve. The child was nine months old and I am sure the damage is lifelong in reduced growth velocity and decreased neurological development.

There is documentation that shows the child was throwing up in the custody of the mother and also she was giving the child Zyrtec in excessive doses with evidence of extra-pyramidal side effects, just to dope up the child during my visitation.

[gabbytrip]

03:13 PM on 05/15/2012

Having 4 children I raised on my own. Joint custody is great if the other party shows up. I believe the children should be in a primary residence to give them stability then pushing them back and forth between house is not healthy for the kids. Joint custody is great if the other party takes on the financial responsibility for those kids. In my case he simply walked away and bailed after the triplets were born. Since I am the primary financial support for my family, I am still waiting for that father ATM machine of child support as noted in this article.

[Spike5]

05:14 PM on 05/15/2012

My 6-year-old grandson alternates weeks with each parent. After three years, this certainly feels stable to him, and it gives him the opportunity to build and maintain a close relationship with both parents. He adores his mother and father, and he knows how much they each love him. He has a full set of toys and clothes at both homes, and he has pets who love him in both places. His father is at least as involved in his care as his mother. In fact he spent the first week after his tonsillectomy snuggled in his father's arms because it was his 'week'.

I cannot imagine how seeing less of either parent could possibly be in his best interest.

I agree that many fathers are not willing to be full time parents, even on an alternating week basis. But when they are, as in my son's case, this has to be a far better solution than the typical every other weekend scenario that weakens the ties instead of strengthening them

[Vicki Larson]

11:46 PM on 05/14/2012

I just wrote about the increase in custody battles because more fathers are demanding a greater involvement in their children’s lives, leading to conflict both "at a policy level and at the individual level of litigated cases," according to University of Sydney professor of law Patrick Parkinson’s book, “Family Law and the Indissolubility of Parenthood” (http://omgchronicles.vickilarson.com/2012/05/14/what-do-fathers-want-after-divorce/). Our family law system is broken, Parkinson says, and is due for an overhaul — I'd agree.

[sweet8]

10:25 AM on 05/16/2012

I decided to reply to your post because you would not believe the custody battle I have been in since I decided to leave an abusive husband. My story could definitely be a book and teach others. Our system is definitely broken and the children in this state are the ones who suffer tremendously. My ex-husband has so much money and power that he was able to obtain soul custody in the last 10 months even though there were witnesses to him beating and knocking our son out, there was a witness to him tripping me up into a ditch to strangle me resulting in a miscarriage of what would have been our first child, he had 2 police investigations on him...oh I could go on and on, but if you want more info then please respond on this thread and I will contact you. You would not believe what our 2 sons are having to endure at this moment. I am not allowed any contact with them, none, and the reasons will blow your mind. I am a Clinical Social Worker with 3 college degrees, not even as much as a speeding ticket on my record, and my ex has done this to our children. This state needs an overhaul BIG TIME!! MAINE!

[slloyd414]

01:20 PM on 05/16/2012

I believe it. The courts honestly don't seem to care about the kids. I think they just decide what they want depending on what mood they are in that day.

[Billv1]

04:46 PM on 05/16/2012

you need to NAME him.