As you no doubt know, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney has inexplicably decided that a continuing association with birther looney-tune Donald Trump is something that his campaign needs in order to be successful. And to that end, the Romney campaign is doing a donor raffle, where a $3 donation earns some lucky people the chance to have dinner with Donald and Mitt, possibly at some terrible New York pizzeria chain.
Well, if the jokes weren't already writing themselves, Trump himself managed to open up a deep vein of comedy yesterday when he put this question out on Twitter:
As you might imagine, Twitter had answers to that question. Many, many answers.
By far, in fact, the most popular answer involved an encounter with the Florida man who was recently shot and killed by police because he was eating another man's face off, possibly because he was psychotic, or on drugs, or was the "patient zero" of a forthcoming rage-zombie apocalypse. Now, if you are fortunate enough to have persisted this long without intimate knowledge of the face-eating man from Florida, please do not go Googling for the news, because you are likely to encounter horrifying images that you will never, ever be able to unsee. Just know that the existence of crazy face-eating cannibals is now a thing that is happening in our lives, and plan accordingly.
Also, it gives you a good sense of the "level of the room" where Twitter's responses are concerned. For a fuller picture, I have created a Terrible Index Of Things That People Would Rather Do Than Dine With Donald Trump And Mitt Romney. It is by no means complete -- many responses were omitted because they were beyond the standards of good taste. (Note well: It is a fact that my standard for "good taste" is inferior to the common standard.)
At any rate, we now know the answers to Donald Trump's question. Good luck to everyone who answered this question on Twitter, because you will now inevitably be called "losers" who "bombed at Mar-A-Lago" by the Donald.
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Things That Would Be Preferable To Dinner With Donald And Mitt, According To Twitter
Access to birth control
Acid bath
Alien invasion
Aneurysm
Answering this question
Anything
Athletes' Foot
Athletes' Foot, on armpits
Bankruptcy
Baptism, posthumous
Bathtub of maggots
Beard ripped off by force
Bedbugs
Being eaten, by lions, by man high on bath salts, by pack of wild dogs, by pack of wolves, by rattlesnakes
Black Eyed Peas, mandatory annual Super Bowl Halftime show
Bleeding, in shark infested waters
Blunt force trauma
Body cavity search
Breakdancing, in skinny jeans
Breathing
Castration
Cervical cancer
Cholera
Circumcision, sans anaesthetic
Cleaning, a cat box, rest stop toilets with hands
Clubbing baby seals
Colitis
Colorectal cancer
Colonoscopy, by Edward Scissorhands, by live python, sans sedation, via chainsaw
Colostomy
Constipation
Cracked rib
Crohn's disease
Crucifixion
Death
Diarrhea
Drinking, colonoscopy prep fluid, contents of WetVac, five year old milk, hemlock, Playboy Mansion grotto water
Drought
Drowning
Dying
Dysentery
Eating, bag of thumbtacks, cat litter, cold mac and cheese whilst in underwear, dog feces, eel sushi by force, Ex-Lax brownies, ghost pepper, hot Frosted Flakes, off floor of Waffle House, Olive Garden, own vomit, rat poison, real New York City pizza, shards of glass, toenails, unrefrigerated pink slime, warm mayonnaise pie, with Dominique Strauss-Kahn, with Hannibal Lecter, with Jerry Sandusky, with Josef Stalin, with just Mitt Romney, with Justin Bieber, with Kardashians, with Westboro Baptist Church
Ebola
Elevator, trapped with gassy Karl Rove
Emergency tracheotomy
Enema, with bath salts, with hot lead, with Tabasco
Erectile dysfunction
Everything
Eyeballs, forked, icepicked, knitting needled, sporked, tattooed
Expressing one's dog's anal glands
Face, punched
Falling, into hole with glass shards
Food poisoning
Gangrene
Gargling, razorblades
Genital mutilation, by ants, by barbed wire, by battery acid, by hammer and burning log, by hot poker, by icepick, by pickle slicer, by pitchfork, by sandblaster, by shoe, by toothpicks, by zipper, in farming accident, on L Train
Getting shot
Gingrich, Newt, in tutu whilst singing "Working In A Coal Mine"
Gonorrhea
Hades/Hell
Hands, ironed, slammed in car door
Hemorrhoids
Hepatitis C
Herpes
Hitting yourself, in face with hammer
Huffing, paint at family reunion
Human centipede
Hunger strike
Ingesting, Comet, fatal amount of Sweet-N-Low, propane (anally)
Jar of farts
Jogging, post-vasectomy
Keelhauling
Kidney stone
Koala Bear, dead and lashed to backside
Lego, stepped upon
Leprosy
Listed, on White House "kill list"
Listening, to Ke$ha performing "Subterranean Homesick Blues," to Nickelback performing the works of Creed, to Octomom lecturing on parenting, to Rebecca Black covering "Chocolate Rain"
Locusts
Losing money in Facebook IPO
Malaria
Nipple, third
Nuclear winter
Papercuts, thousands (followed by lemon juice bath), millions (followed by rubbing alcohol bath)
Pelvic exam
Planking, in traffic
Poison Ivy, anal
Prison
Probe, transvaginal
Ptomaine
Pubic lice
Rectal exam
Root canal
Santorum, Google it
Scurvy
Self immolation
Self-pleasuring, with buzzsaw, with cheese grater, with Icy Hot, with sword
Showering, in molten lava
Sliding, on barbed wire, on dry sandpaper
Sound engineering, with Khloe Kardashian
Sparrow, nailed to forehead
Spiders, sprung from a popped boil
Spinal tap
Staring, at 2012 Chicago Cubs, at 24-hour webinar about personal branding and Klout, at "Battlefield Earth" sequel, at "Benson," at "Cabin Boy," at complete season of "The Apprentice," at Japanese eel porn, at "Leonard Part Six," at Mitt's tax returns, at Mitt/Trump sexual encounter, at a pornographic movie starring one's parents, at "Showgirls,
at "The Time Traveler's Wife," at a "Twilight Zone" marathon, at Thomas Kinkade paintings for eternity, at Trump's actual hairline
Starvation
Sucking, on ET's fingers
Swimming, with alligators
Syphillis
Teeth-pulling
Toilet training quituplets
Toupee, Trump's on one's entire back
Trapped, in closet with Victoria Jackson
Universal health care
Unwanted sexual encounter, with buffalo, with corpse, with crocodile, with Dom Deluise in jacuzzi filled with stew, with family, with fifty dollars worth of nickels, with garden tools, with grandmother, with grandmother (dead), with in-laws, with Ravi Shankar's sitar, with Roman Polanski, with Sasquatch, with wall outlet, with wild boars
Urinary tract infection
Vas deferens, destroyed in failed gymnastic feat
Violent encounter, with cheese grater, with Chris Christie over last cupcake, with Dick Cheney, with direwolf, with lawnmower, with piranhas, with rabid bat, with tweezers, with tweezers and back hair and intoxicated chimpanzees, with wakened bear, with Zdeno Chara slap shot
War
Waterboarding
Working on a chain gang
Year without toilet paper
Yeast infection
Zombies, attack, face eaten by