05/31/2012 10:28 am ET Updated Jul 31, 2012

Mitt Romney's Bank Account Speaks Out

A lot of you don't like me, I know. You say I'm too fat, or that I was unfairly created by shutting down factories and destroying jobs. Also, you're probably a little jealous that I live in the Caribbean.

Sorry, but being Mitt Romney's bank account isn't easy. Do you know how long I had to spend just sitting around, waiting for him to spend me on something other than a Cadillac? And clothes, and vacations, and houses, and another Cadillac, and probably some smallish nation-states in Central America?

Not that long, actually. Mitt's more or less been using me to run for president since 2003.