You have officially called it quits. Then, one night, your ex calls and invites you to dinner. You accept the invitation, telling yourself it's a good idea because you want to get your books back from his house anyway. But, if truth be told, you really accepted the invitation because you're feeling lonely. When you arrive at his house, it feels good to be back in familiar territory -- food, wine, and conversation flows -- and before you know it, you find yourself having a passionate interlude with your ex.
Having sex with an ex is a common phenomenon. It happens more often than you would think, even with those couples who have contemptuous breakups. People have sex with their ex for a variety of reasons, including the following:
• The desire to feel connected to someone familiar.
• An attempt to manipulate to other person into getting back together.
• Gain back the power they lost in the relationship.
• To meet sexual needs, without looking for someone new.
• To boost self-esteem and get reassurance that they are still desirable.
Although the reasons above reflect normal human desires and motivations, having sex with an ex is rarely a good idea. It blurs the boundaries, delays the process of letting go and moving on, gives one or both parties false hope, and keeps you entrenched in a relationship that ended for good reasons. If you want to have sex with your ex, just be clear on what are your true motivations and intentions.
In my work with divorcing couples, I have found that once one or both parties are really honest about why they want to engage sexually with each other again, the need and desire for the activity diminishes fairly quickly. This is because the intentions and expectations usually differ between both parties involved. For example, one spouse may want to get their sexual needs met, while the other may want to get back together. Once these differences are fully transparent, one person will usually say "no thanks."
If you have had sex with your ex, let us know how that turned out. Did it cause more heartache or have a healing effect? Did you end up getting back together, or did it simply prolong the inevitable? When you share your story, we all learn from each other. If you need help getting through a divorce or breakup, I'm here to help. Feel free to contact me at www.julieorlov.com/contact.
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