Everyone's dad is a little quirky in one way or another, and we're plenty thankful for that because it provides some amazing material for comedy. It's no surprise that there are so many jokes from comedians about either their own dads or being a dad themselves.
To celebrate Father's Day this year, we collected 25 hilarious quotes from comedians about fatherhood. Dads have been the basis of some great jokes from the likes of Louis C.K., Andy Samberg, Retta and more. So give the jokes a read, share them with your pop, then give him a big Father's Day hug and just let him have the TV to himself for the day.
"My father refused to turn up the heat because the body had its own heating mechanism: shivering. He'd say, 'I see your teeth are chattering. You know what that is? Heat. Kinetic energy. I bet your tongue ain't cold, is it?'"
"When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time -- you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'"
"One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you don't want to hear in that situation is, 'Son, move over.'"
"If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat."
"Every commercial goes after the father. It's like, 'America Online is so easy, even Dad can use it.' You mean the guy who bought you the f**king computer?"
"I've always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father."
"He's got all kinds of advice about show biz. He says, 'It's just like sales. You gotta make your opportunities. You gotta take your opportunities. You remember what Jesus said? You give a man a fish, that man knows where to come for fish. You teach a man to fish, and you just destroyed your market base.'"
"Just remember where you came from: my balls."
"I come from a broken home. I don't blame my father for leaving 'cause I'm gonna move out soon myself."
"Everybody knew my father. He would come home, hoodlums are standing around. 'Hey, Mr. Morris, how was work today?' 'You motherf**kers wouldn't know, would you?'"
"I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking."
"I saw this little girl, she had sweatpants on that had the word 'Juicy' written across her ass. Like, right across her ass. She was like seven years old, walking with her father. I think any father that allows their seven-year-old daughter to wear sweatpants with the word 'Juicy' written across her ass should be put in prison for child endangerment. And his orange jumpsuit should have the word 'Juicy' written right across the ass."
"I don't just write jokes. You know what I'm best at? Greeting cards. I'm a really good greeting card writer. And I'm going to prove it with a little sample of my work I'm going to share for you: 'As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. I've been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Father's Day.'"
"My father never slept. Never slept. Oh, he used to rest his eyes quite a bit. He'd never admit he was sleeping... So I tried to throw this back at him: 'No Dad, I'm not ignoring you, I'm resting my ears.' 'No Dad, I'm not drunk, I'm resting my ability to make sound decisions.'"
"The worst day at my job is better than the best day at most. But my father...I remember, man, I called him at work and told him I had a TV show. He quit his job that day. 'Daddy, I got a TV show.' 'Well, that's it for me, damn y'all.' I said, 'Who gonna pay your bills?' 'Uh, you.' It wouldn't be so bad, but he wants the same stuff I get. I get a new car, 'Uh, hey, son, when am I gonna get a new car?' 'When you learn how to tell some g**damn jokes.'"
"See, the rules have changed, men. It's a different world. I've got a mini van. My father never had a minivan. I grew up in the late 60s, early 70s. He had a '68 Chrysler with vinyl seats, he made a turn, my brother and I were hanging out of the window. He didn't care. He was trying to lose us."
"My dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida. And it's really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that he's finally able to do those things in life that he's always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy me ugly shirts."
"I first suspected that my father was gay when I asked him to pick a number between one and ten, and he was all, 'I'm gay.' That's when I first grew suspicious."
"My father calls me up, he says, 'If you need cash, make a collect call from Hugh Broke. That way I'll wire you the money, but I won't have to pay for the long-distance phone call.' So, whatever, I followed his instructions. I made a collect call from Hugh Broke. Minute later, my phone rings: 'We have a person-to-person call for Mr. Hugh Broke from Mr. Rob Bank.'"
"I hate this occasion because I can never find the right card because they're all too nice. So, I usually end up getting the blank card with the tree on it -- draw a little picture of myself hanging there."
"I always wanted my family to be like 'The Brady Bunch.' Do you remember what the father did on the show? Architect. He was brilliant. Six kids, two bedrooms. That was really intelligent."
"My father was too cheap to take me to the big downtown aquarium. This cheap bastard, he would just take me to the fish market. 'Look, Tony, there's the halibut. Shhh, they sleep in piles.' I'm like, 'Dad, they're breaded.' 'That's their blankie.'"
"My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam -- uh, don't kiss guys.'"
"My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time. The bad news is we already have two kids."
"When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet until my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long on the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father."