Herman Cain is launching a TV network, and based on the trailer, it's going to be the most unbelievably incredible thing ever to hit our screens.
Since his failed attempt at the Republican presidential nomination, Cain has branched out into the media world, showing up regularly on Fox News and making plans to host his own radio show. But clearly, none of those things compare to the genius that is to be "Cain TV," a web network that launches on July 4. Cain is following in the footsteps of Glenn Beck, but, judging from the trailer, GBTV has slightly higher production values than Cain TV.
Now, that trailer. It's a little hard to sum it up, but, in an apparent effort to highlight the variety of programming that can be found on Cain TV, it winds up having an acid-trip surrealism about it that is almost breathtaking to behold.
Words reading "Cain TV Is Real American Everything!" flash across the screen. Then we see, in succession:
- "COMMENTARY": This consists of a man mumbling negative things about Sandra Fluke.
- "STREET SMARTS WITH LEWIS BROWN": 'I'm Lou from Hollywood," Lou from Hollywood says, "and my mouth don't write checks that my ass can't cash." He proceeds to bash Hillary Clinton.
- "DOCUMENTARIES": Terrorists at the Mexican border!
- A cartoon that shows Ronald Reagan lecturing Barack Obama about the redistribution of wealth.
- "I WANT YOUR MONEY": "a controversial look at government spending." (This features a cartoon Obama as Uncle Sam.)
- "A Uniquely American Look At Hypocrisy": Al Gore. The Kennedys. Noam Chomsky. Michael Moore. All hypocrites. All, presumably, ready for a Cain-esque seeing-to.
- "FAMILY": A CGI cartoon about a dinosaur who finds a red white and blue egg in her nest. Out of it hatches a little dinosaur named Tex. "I love my family, this land and Thanksgiving each fall!" Tex says.
- "FUNNY STUFF": A man named Kivi tells us, "I'm going to make fun of you. And I'm really funny." He then dances to banjo music.
- A cartoon where high taxes and regulations make the boss move a company overseas. "Oh, I hate capitalism," one of the workers says.
- A guy asks people on the street if Saddam Hussein is alive. One person thinks he is.
And, last but not least: "CAIN": The man himself! After talking about how Ben Franklin called democracy "a well-armed lamb," he cries, "Let's give a lamb a gun! I'm Herman Cain. We are not stupid."
Wednesday can't come soon enough.