By Matt Yoder, Awful Announcing
Tonight is the mid-summer tradition that is the Home Run Derby. In recent years, the Derby has ferociously competed with the Slam Dunk Contest and the Pro Bowl for "All-Star Game/Event That Has Lost All Its Luster." Adding to the Home Run Derby experience of course is the presence of one Chris Berman. Yippee. Your other viewing options in sports this evening are… well, there are no other viewing options. So, in a sense, we're stuck with this current monstrosity that is the Home Run Derby.
But we're not here to bemoan what is the doggiest of the dog days in the sporting calendar. We're here to help. Here's our list of 10 totally reasonable and realistic ways to improve the Home Run Derby.
1) Treat Chris Berman with shock therapy any time he says the word "back" or grunts awkwardly.
2) If shock therapy does not work, replace Chris Berman with Mel Allen… yes, I'm aware Mel Allen has been dead for 16 years. It'd still be an improvement.
3) Have Tim McCarver compete with small children in the outfield shagging balls. Any child that catches more balls than McCarver gets to replace him as a game analyst for the World Series. Win. Win.
4) Air the ESPYs live on-site at the Home Run Derby. Then at least we can kill two birds with one stone.
5) Cancel the event and televise the Simpsons softball episode on a two hour continuous loop.
6) Tim Tebow.
7) Every home run hit means a mandatory vacation day for Skip Bayless AND Stephen A. Smith. This would not only improve the Home Run Derby, it would make it the most cherished sporting event in America.
9) Have each MLBer team with a USA softball slow pitch player. Who wants to see highly trained athletes slug meaningless home runs when we can watch portly sluggers from the local beer league do it too?
10) The winning player wins home field advantage for his league in the World Series. It's such a brilliant idea, I can't believe nobody has thought of it before!