07/13/2012 08:05 am ET

JPMorgan Chase Second Quarter Earnings Conference Call: Live Updates

Welcome, people who hate sleep, to the Huffington Post live blog of JPMorgan Chase's second-quarter earnings conference call. As much fun as the morning after a meth binge, or so I have heard.

We'll be live-blogging this two-hour event, though maybe not for the entire two hours, as the call will likely drift into tedious analyst questions about minutiae. But we'll live-blog a good bit of it.

The bank earlier reported quarterly income of $5 billion, or $1.21 a share, with a $4.4 billion loss caused by dumb credit trades at its chief investment office.

Ordinarily you pre-game an event like this by consuming mass quantities of alcohol, or harder stuff, but it's 7:30 in the freaking morning, so instead enjoy reading some of these fine walkups to the call, won't you?

There's Deal Journal's David Benoit, who lists the five things he wants to hear on the call -- up high, as you'd expect, is the size of the London Whale trading loss and the size of the money that will be clawed back from Ina Drew and other scapegoats, er, responsible parties.

I'd like to hear those things, and then I'd also like to hear somebody at the bank talk about the PFG customer money they've got -- how much do they have? Is it all accounted for? Are they under investigation by anybody? Let's just say I'm not holding my breath on that one.

Maureen Farrell at CNN/Money suggests investors take a hard look at whatever profits the bank reports this morning, make sure they're not all prettied up with accounting tricks to hide the gigantic hole left by the London Whale.

Bloomberg's Dawn Kopecki suggests there's nothing less on the line here than Jamie Dimon's sterling reputation as a golden banker god sent from the Sun People to rule us all.

And now, on to the live blog.

07/13/2012 9:32 AM EDT

That's A Wrap

That testy response by Dimon is an appropriate note on which to end this live blog, with the call just about to wrap up.

To sum up: JPMorgan is sorry, guys, really sorry, so it's time to move on and think about how awesome JPMorgan is. At least until we hear more about its role in the Libor scandal, the PFG scandal, power-market manipulation, et cetera et cetera.

Thanks very mcuh for reading, everybody.

07/13/2012 9:27 AM EDT

Dimon Getting Testy

To wrap up his answer to the too big to fail discussion: "The CIO was a mistake. Sorry."

07/13/2012 9:25 AM EDT

One More TBTF Question

Somebody else is grilling Dimon about how his bank may be too big to manage.

Dimon is fighting back, saying its size is a source of strength -- doing "wonderful things" because of its size while small banks fail left and right.

07/13/2012 9:15 AM EDT

Warren Buffett Would Totally Hire Jamie Dimon

According to Bloomberg TV:

"If I could hire Jamie Dimon I would. I would hire him for any job!"

Pool cleaner, hedge-trimmer, golf caddy, Coke-bottle opener... any job!

07/13/2012 9:11 AM EDT

Mayo Is Worried About Food Poisoning

Mike Mayo: "We saw how the sausage is made today, but I wonder if I get food poisoning some time in the future."

07/13/2012 8:58 AM EDT

The Too Big To Fail Question

Famous bank analyst Mike Mayo asks the big question: Maybe the bank has a huge management problem. Is it too big or complex to manage?

Dimon's one-word response: "No."

There's laughter on the call. Ha ha, hilarious.

Mayo asks Dimon if he's "lost a step," to more laughter.

Dimon goes on about how awesome JPMorgan is -- survived the crisis, growing, blah blah. He says the problem is marketing. They made a mistake, is all. They're in better shape now. Move on already.

He can't prove a negative, he says again about three times.

07/13/2012 8:52 AM EDT

Great Quarter, Guys

Another analyst asks why the bank is doing so darn well despite the economy being lousy.

"The underpinnings of the American economy aren't that bad," Dimon says.

07/13/2012 8:51 AM EDT

Libor Question

Dimon dodges a question about the Libor scandal, of which JPMorgan is a part. He says it's too early to say anything, they're working with regulators, but we shouldn't jump to any conclusions or anything.

An analyst asks about the bank's controls -- why should we believe the bank was being straight on Libor if they were goofing on credit derivatives? Great question.

Dimon says he can never prove a negative, OK? He feels good about their controls now. He thinks the CIO business was isolated, so there.

07/13/2012 8:47 AM EDT

The Losses Are Mostly Over

So the London Whale has cost them $5.8 billion, but the losses may not yet be over -- but are mostly over, Dimon says.

07/13/2012 8:45 AM EDT

Ina Drew Gets Max Clawback

Jamie Dimon is back on the call to talk about Ina Drew, the JPMorgan vet in charge of the CIO.

He says he has "enormous respect for Ina," and talks about her contributions to the company.

"She has acted with integrity and tried to do what's right at all times," he says.

He says, "Ina offered to give up a significant amount of past compensation equivalent to the maximum clawback amount."

So, no numbers, but it's a lot.