For as long as people have been having kids, there have been "parental overshares": the moments when moms and dads complain a little too graphically about pregnancy -- or comment a tad too knowingly on someone else's kids' behavior. In the age of Facebook, those overshares have found a much larger audience, and B., an anonymous 30-year-old non-parent, created a way for everyone to enjoy them.
In 2009, B. launched the submission-based blog STFU, Parents to compile cringe-worthy and often hilarious "kidformation."
"My friends were starting to have kids, and suddenly they were posting a lot of baby minutiae," she told The Huffington Post. "I figured other people were probably experiencing a similar trend, so I started the blog and the rest is history." What B. didn't realize was how much parents would be telling Facebook friends about their kids' bodily fluids. "That would become the most common type of submission. And it can get really gross," she says.
Now that it's summer, B. thinks there are even more opportunities for over-sharing -- "When you mix kids and swimming, there are bound to be accidents, all of which get posted to Facebook" -- and she has graciously provided nine examples of what NOT to do when you enter the realm of social media during the warmer months.
1. Violence Against The Ice Cream Man
The ice cream man annoys everyone at some point. Not just parents of napping babies. This summer, parents should try to contain their violent rants against people who peddle ice cream for a living. Ice cream men provide a delicious service.
2. Being a Sanctimommy
This summer, don't call people out on Facebook for wanting to sleep in. Just because you enjoy waking up at 5 A.M. with your baby doesn't mean everyone else should, too.
3. Family Time
If you want to have a dead skin foot party at home with your kids, by all means break out the tweezers. But don't post about it on Facebook. Keep it in the family.
4. Bodily Fluids
What happens in the backseat of a parent's car should stay in the backseat of a parent's car. Metaphorically speaking, I mean. No one needs to know that little Elliot barfed after jumping on a trampoline in the heat. As long as he'll live, everyone else can live not knowing about it (or its smell).
5. Pregnancy Woes
I'm not sure what the difference between 69 and 70 degrees is, particularly when a person is pregnant, but I do know that Alicia's friends no longer care to hear about her hardships. She made them uneasy with her "sweaty butt crack" description, so why should <em>she</em> get to be comfortable?
6. Don't Be a Jerk
If you knowingly take your infected child to a public pool, have the self-respect not to brag about it online. Sure, you're doing everyone else who goes to that pool a favor by making an announcement, but you come off looking like a giant asshole at the same time.
Don't paint a summery picture for your friends if that picture includes a turd, two dogs, and a disappearing act. Post a picture of your child swimming before she defecates in a body of water. That's what your friends really want to see.
This summer, don't let bitterness over your body get in the way of wishing a friend well on her bikini. Remember: "Our spirits need not droop as low as our post-baby breasts." That's a parenting adage I just made up.
Funny how when you're "just sayin'" so little, you wind up "just saying'" too much. I'm guessing Kara's been hijacking every Facebook update she sees with reminders that she's a full-term pregnant lady who's ready to pop at any minute. That's a pretty far cry from sitting on the beach and enjoying a cold one. This summer, don't interject yourself in conversations about shrimp cocktail with a comment about your fetus.
For more STFU, Parents, join the <a href="http://www.facebook.com/STFUParents" target="_hplink">Facebook community</a> or <a href="https://twitter.com/STFUParents/" target="_hplink">follow B. on Twitter</a>. Plus: <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/22/parents-text_n_964708.html#s362627&title=Lag" target="_hplink">10 Hilarious Texts From Parents </a> <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlie-capen/baby-sleep-positions_b_1257290.html" target="_hplink">9 Funny-Because-It's-True Baby Sleep Positions</a> <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/14/toddler-reciting-shakespeare_n_1342230.html" target="_hplink">8 Babies Doing Adult Things</a> <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/07/awkward-baby-shower-cakes_n_1571619.html" target="_hplink">11 Deliciously Awkward Baby Shower Cakes</a>