Before he could get into the week's biggest stories, Stephen Colbert kicked off Tuesday night's "Colbert Report" with an important segment on what hamsters are telling scientists about depression.

Colbert was naturally upset by an Ohio State University study that linked watching late night TV to depression, probably because the study involved exposing hamsters to a dim light as if they were watching TV. After all, late night hosts like Colbert aim to entertain and ease tension for people at the end of a long day, not depress them. And what can hamsters tell them that humans can't?

"Well done," Colbert said. "Instead of having people watch late night TV, then simply asking them if they're depressed, scientists exposed hamsters to a dim light and guessed how the hamsters felt. You know, science."

But Colbert has bigger problems than having to worry about his fans becoming depressed. Now that the study is public knowledge, everyone's going to find out the deep, dark secret behind "The Colbert Report": it's really designed to torture hamsters.

Watch the full segment above.

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  • Stephen Formally Announces Candidacy In '08

    Stephen formally announces that he's running for president --by appearing on the ballot for the Democratic nomination in his home state of South Carolina, the people of whom he plans to "pander more to" than any other candidate.

  • Stephen Finds Out He's Not On The Ballot

    After an extensive day of campaigning, Colbert visits the South Carolina Democratic Executive Council to ensure that he gets on the ballot. He's promptly denied, ending his dreams of running for president in one state. Interestingly, in 2008, his campaign was "sponsored" by Nacho Cheese Doritos, satirizing the idea that a corporation could fund a political campaign. In the wake of Citizens United, it'sa little less funny.

  • Obama Orders Stephen To Shave His Head

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  • Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear

    Colbert and fellow Comedy Central host Jon Stewart hosted the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear in 2010 in Washington, DC, as a response to rallies held by pundits like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, whom they felt were fostering ignorance and division with their calls to action. The rally attracted around 215,000 people.

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  • Colbert Formally Files Super PAC

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  • RIck Perry with an A Confuses

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  • Colbert Super PAC Gets Referendum On Ballot, Sort Of

    To show what Super PACs are capable of, Stephen tried to get a referendum on the ballot in South Carolina, explicitly asking whether corporations can legally be people, or just people are people. Despite the major cash donation he offered to make to get it on the ballot, funded by his Colbert Super PAC, it appears that the referendum won't appear on the final ballot since it's "non-binding" (although it does appear on the dummy ballot).

  • Colbert Announces 2012 Run

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