According to rumor, tomorrow's Olympic opening ceremony will feature a 40-foot Voldemort battling 30 Mary Poppins, who will float down into the stadium on their umbrellas.
We say, YES! It's about time that Britain's literary heritage was properly celebrated at this iconic event, and in such a respectful manner.
But why stop there? Surely there's plenty more literary inspiration from the rainy isle for the organizers to mine for ideas.
In the hope that it's not too late to change their plans, here are some other suggestions for proportional Olympic celebrations of Britain's literary achievements through battles of iconic characters.
Let the games begin!
Miss Marple vs The Ice Queen
Turkish delight gently rains down on spectators in the Olympic stadium as the temperature starts to drop. A fawn softly dances around the Olympic flame... and a 60-foot Ice Queen suddenly enters on her sleigh, cackling as only a 60-foot Ice Queen can. She is wearing a bowler hat. But what is this? 50 identical old ladies? Surely no match for her frozen Majesty. The 50 Miss Marples (for it is they) softly smile, dance around their knitting and then pull out compact mirrors that reflect the stadium lights onto the Ice Queen, melting her in a spectacular tidal wave that engulfs the watching competitors. The synchronized swimmers drag everyone to safety, to rapturous applause. Music by Sting.
Arthur Dent vs Sauron
The ground rumbles and shakes. A 90-foot tower emerges from the stadium's heart. At its summit, the eye of Sauron glares at the spectators, making the Hobbit-like British people tremble in fear and clutch at their umbrellas. Its monsterous whisper is incompreshensible to everyone. Everyone, that is, except for 75 men in dressing gowns, who have fish in their ears. The Arthur Dents (for it is he) suddenly materialize above the tower in highly unlikely manner which may or may not have something to do with a Chesterfield sofa. Their towels fall onto Sauron's eye, immobilizing it instantly. The crowd is showered with bowls of petunias and a large sperm whale. Music by Adele.
Bridget Jones vs Miss Havisham
An eerie voice appears inside the heads of all beach volleyball competitors. "You can break their hearts." Cobwebs float down from a passing plane, and a 100-foot skeletal Miss Havisham slowly inflates in the center of the stadium. She is sipping a cup of weak tea. Before she destroys us all, a dancing group of 150 unimpressed women holding glasses of wine, journals and wearing baggy underpants stride up to her. "Oh God! How am I supposed to find a man when all I hear is doom and gloom!", they chant. The multiple Bridget Jones (for they are she) circle the rubber Havisham, and as one stub their cigarettes onto her plastic skin, causing her to deflate in a hiss of twiested spinsterdom. Music by Robbie Williams.
Winnie the Pooh vs Napoleon the pig
A jungle springs forth in the stadium, at the center of which is a group of cricket players and a 300-foot Napoleon the Pig from "Animal Farm." As he snorts his four-legged triumph over Merrie old England, 1,000 Winnie the Poohs (for they is they), armed with honey pots, emerge to take him down. After a soft basting with a honey glaze, the giant pig is slowly devoured by what is, when it comes down it, and no matter how cuddly they might appear to Christopher Robin, a vicious hoarde of hungry bears. How the children laugh. Music by Radiohead.
Peter Rabbit vs Moriarty
In an unexpected twist, Her Majesty the Queen leaps from the royal box, pulls of her mask and turns out to be Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes's nemesis and the dasterdedly villain behind all that is bad in the world. He also, like every British person yet born, he has bad teeth. He suddenly grows to half a mile in size. He is about to steal the stadium itself when a gentle rain of carrots falls onto his head. Suddenly, 5,000 rabbits dressed in human clothes bound in, and the hungry Peter Rabbits (for thems is they) force him to withdraw. Music by Def Leppard.
Willy Wonka vs William Collins
A ten mile-high William Collins attempts to force all eligible men and women of London into matrimony with himself, despite the obvious impracticalities. He seems to be getting away with it until an army of 8,000 eccentric men wheel in a machine that is intended to provide the watching TV audience with free, sponsor-approved chocolate bar through their television sets. The Willy Wonkae (for they are thems) miss the chocolate bar they are aiming at, and instead hit Mr Collins, a pompous and obsequious monster if ever there was one, turning him instantly into a rain of Skittles that add splashes of artificial color to the grey streets of London. Music by Van Morrison.
Thomas the Tank Engine vs Edward Rochester
10,000 Edward Rochesters leap into the arena, ignoring the clamoring made by 10,000 Bertha Masons who are perched on top of the stadium's roof, and proposing marriage to all the competitors. It seems that they might just succeed until a 10-mile long steam train breaks through one of the stadium walls. Thomas (for it is it) saves the day by revealing the truth to all, and Jane Eyre then drops in via a Union Jack parachute so they can be happily married on the back of the coal wagon. Music by David Bowie.
Queen of Hearts vs Christian Grey
"Off with his head!" screams a voice over the tannoy as precisely one million Queens of Hearts swarm into the stadium, swinging their axes. They stop in the center of the arena to examine a giant envelope, on which is written "Sign me." Inside, a contract of submission written by 50 mile-high Christian Grey (for He is He, Sir), and a million pairs of handcuffs that read "Wear me." Fortunately, before things go too far for a daytime global audience, Grey is somehow tied up inside the iconic Olympic rings and led away to the cheers of jolly old hooligans. Music by Phil Collins.
Grand Finale: Everyone else
A light-year sized Bottom the donkey rides in with Tess of the D'Urbervilles on his back, accompanied by a recently-betrothed Captain Hook and Tristram Shandy, while Lyra and the armored bears perform a tap dance number (for it is she, and they are thems, and he is it, and we are the world). Music performed by a smiling all-star detective band made up of Adam Dalgleish, Precious Ramotswe, Harriet Vane and Inspectors Wexford, Rebus and Morse. Butlering by 1 billion identical clones of Jeeves.