If you want to watch something other than Ryan Lochte in a speedo this weekend, you have a limited number of options.

You could check out Len Wiseman's "Total Recall," a reboot of the 1990 sci-fi flick with Arnold Schwarzenegger. However, critics have pretty much panned the film, which stars Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel. The 2012 remake only has a 31 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. "Since the new 'Recall' is totally witless, don't expect laughs," wrote Rolling Stone's Peter Travers. "Originality and coherence are also notably MIA."

If you're not into sci-fi, there's always the indie comedy-drama "Celeste and Jesse Forever," starring Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg. While most critics seem to be under the film's spell, New York magazine wasn't as enthusiastic. "Samberg’s Jesse is asexual, a wet noodle -- he really could be her gal pal -- and so undemonstrative he makes Paul Dano in "Ruby Sparks" look like Scaramouche, Michael Cera in any role like Zorro," wrote David Edelstein.

Of course, if you're simply too enchanted by the 2012 London Olympics coverage, then you can at least listen to Mariah Carey's inspirational new single "Triumphant." Even though Slant called it the "worst single" of her career, we're pretty sure Michael Phelps loves it.

What do you make of these harsh critiques? Let us know in this week's critical roundup below.

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  • 'Celeste And Jesse' For-Never?

    <blockquote>As in mumblecore, scene after scene ends on the same irresolute note, but without the small, cumulative details that make the best mumblecore penetrating. Meanwhile, Samberg's Jesse is asexual, a wet noodle -- he really could be her gal pal -- and so undemonstrative he makes Paul Dano in Ruby Sparks look like Scaramouche, Michael Cera in any role like Zorro.</blockquote> -- <a href="http://www.vulture.com/2012/08/movie-review-celeste-and-jesse-forever.html" target="_hplink">David Edelstein, Vulture</a>

  • Is This Really The Worst National Anthem Ever?

    <blockquote>Normally, we wouldn't post something that made fun of a little kid, but this particular child publicly refers to herself as a "singer-songwriter" and any kid who has that much pretension at age 11 deserves to be knocked down a few notches.</blockquote> -- <a href="http://deadspin.com/5929877/this-is-the-worst-national-anthem-rendition-ever" target="_hplink">Timothy Burke, Deadspin</a>

  • Is 'Total Recall' A Total Fail?

    <blockquote>Since the new Recall is totally witless, don't expect laughs. Originality and coherence are also notably MIA... This Total Recall will make you feel robbed as well. It's two hours you'll never get back and every minute is a bad memory.</blockquote> -- <a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/reviews/total-recall-20120802" target="_hplink">Peter Travers, <em>Rolling Stone</em></a>

  • Is 'Babymakers' Too Offensive?

    <blockquote>But in a culture where Anderson Cooper is out and gay-inclusive shows like "Modern Family" are wildly popular, a dud like "Babymakers" doesn't even find sticking power in its offensiveness. It just wipes off.</blockquote> -- <a href="http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/movies/you_ll_want_sperm_limits_9qNnnm4Xsdo6XcJTO8wlJK." target="_hplink">Sara Stewart, <em>The New York Post</em></a>

  • Did Rick Ross Disappoint?

    <blockquote>Even though Mr. Ross's rapping is prime, it isn't enough to carry this album. Just at the moment that he's finally not underrated, he has underdelivered.</blockquote> -- <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/05/arts/music/rick-ross-tries-on-a-new-streetwise-role.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1&partner=rss&emc=rss" target="_hplink">Jon Caramanica, <em>The New York Times</em></a>

  • Mariah's 'Triumphant' Return?

    <blockquote>It's easily the worst lead single (possibly the worst single, period) of her two-decade-plus career. JD's beyond-tired hype-man routine and guest raps by Rick Ross and newcomer Meek Mill dominate the first half of the song, with Mariah literally serving as a hook girl on a track that sorely lacks a strong hook.</blockquote> -- <a href="http://www.slantmagazine.com/house/2012/08/single-review-mariah-carey-triumphant-get-em/" target="_hplink">Sal Cinquemai, <em>Slant</em></a>

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