August means a lot of things to a lot of people. For some, it's back-to-school time. For others, it's last-month-at-the-beach-time. For us, it means savoring every last available second around our grills.
As we gather to enjoy our last bits of the summer season, we'd like to offer a bit of a PSA in the grilling tools department: there are gadgets and accessories that you definitely do not need. In fact, you don't need most of them. There is definitely no one on earth who wants your initials branded into their steak. It is time we all recognized that.
We built this handy guide to save you and your loved ones the embarrassment of buying them for yourself or anyone else. You do not need these things, guys. We promise.
The GrillComb's claim to usefulness
: "Keeps food from spinning while cooking." Ah yes, finally an answer to the "food spinning epidemic."
It's probably pretty exciting the first time you pick one of these up and scatter your grill with individual pieces of food.
The directions for this product are hilarious
. Cook the creme brulee "according to a recipe," then heat this metal plate on your grill and caramelize each custard individually
. Just buy a torch, you guys! They got invented for a reason!
This is a neat trick: giving the gift of a tool
that makes the person you are giving the gift to look
like a tool. Also, who doesn't want a six pack of beer strapped to their chest while they lean over a grill?
The Ham Dogger
turns hamburger meat into a hot dog. How this product improves upon rolling your ground beef into logs by hand, we have not deciphered.
Do we need to even make fun of this? Just don't do this. Please.
What are you, welding
? Don't worry, dad, you're the only one in the house who wants to wear leather gloves for grilling
-- you don't have to put your name on them. Go flip my cheeseburger, weirdo.
Char-Broil wants to make sure you can grill
even in places where you "aren't allowed to grill." So they invented a glorified hot plate with ridges that's shaped like a grill.
The guys in the picture look like they're pretty psyched about it, though.
The amazing thing about all of these stupid grilling tools, is that they are firmly rooted in just how lazy we can be. Grilled meatballs sound awesome
, but is it really that taxing to just turn them one by one?
The world has been done a service in that these are no longer available on Williams-Sonoma's website.
Okay. What exactly are you grilling? Paint? Do you really need the brushes to rotate for you
? Did you know that this uses eight AA batteries
? Just oil up an onion like the rest of us and move on!
The only way we'll be able to move on with our day and find peace, is if you assure us that no one has ever purchased one of these. Here's how the Reel Roaster works
: stab your hot dog/marshmallow/whatever onto the end of the antenna and crank the reel to rotate the skewer.
Or just, you know, use a coat hanger like the rest of us have for eternity.
But meat shredders already exist
! They're called hands! And forks! If you are barbecuing anything tough enough that it requires giant metal hands to shred -- you're doing it wrong.
For only $10, you and your UFO BBQ Cover
can let your neighbors know that you had nothing better to do with those $10.
These Sur La Table Grill Clips
are a great way crush delicate pieces of food before you serve them to your guests. Also, we bet these are really fun to try to open, hot off the grill.
Are you really taxed by sliding food off your skewer with a fork? Here -- put a piece of plastic on the grill
next to your food and see if it melts before you get your zucchini.