Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.) is taking a lot of heat for his recent comments on "legitimate rape" and how a woman's body can somehow miraculously stop itself from getting pregnant if she is the victim of one. It's the sort of bizarre, illogical quagmire one finds himself in when his viewpoints are so far out of step of with things like science, common sense and general humanity.

But maybe we've got Akin all wrong. Maybe he really does understand a woman's body better than every single other person on the planet. To that end, here are a 10 other magical things we're pretty sure Akin believes a woman's vagina can do.

Want to add your own to the list? Tweet to @HuffPostComedy with the hashtag #stupidvaginatricks.

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  • Dispense cash after coitus with a poor person

  • Zipper shut in the event of a sand storm

  • Always points north when floating

  • A really great Christopher Walken impression

  • Write the great American novel after sitting on top of a Merriam-Webster dictionary for no more than two hours

  • Secrete disinfectant in the event of an undeserved STD

  • Emit high-frequency sound when confronted by a mugger

  • Speak fluent Portuguese

  • Seek revenge

  • Tie a cherry stem into a knot while whistling 'The Battle Hymn Of The Republic'

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