We could hardly believe our eyes when we started watching 1990's "The Celebrity Guide to Wine." It's not that we don't want wine tips from Steven Seagal and Whoopi Goldberg, it's just that we weren't expecting to get them. And Whoopi, we certainly weren't expecting to get wine tips from you while you casually stand next to your car, as if that is a totally normal thing to do.
In addition to Seagal and Goldberg, this oddly star-studded special also includes Dudley Moore, Herbie Hancock, Kelly LeBrock, Shelley Hack, Robert Loggia and Peter Weller. This madness was directed by Daniel Helfgott, who went on to direct "The Celebrity Guide to Entertaining," starring Ed Begley Jr. and Jackie Collins (please, someone, put this on the internet).
Hosted by Spago's then Maitre d'Hotel Bernard Erpicum, there are so many gems in this video that it's hard to pick just one favorite moment, so here are a few:
- The video really starts out with a bang when a caterer takes offense to Robert Loggia's wine service. As Cracked put it: "You suddenly won't feel so bad after you see Robert friggin' Loggia offend everybody by putting ice into red wine, which causes a caterer to... uh, have a meltdown and plow through his table."
- Later in the video, Dudley Moore tries to convince us all that he doesn't know his way around a list of booze. Dudley -- you can't get famous for playing a notoriously drunk playboy and then try to pretend to order a "bottle of white" like a deer in the headlights.
- "You know what goes good with crab?" Whoopi Goldberg asks us, while she rummages through her trunk-full of wine, "Sauvignon Blanc."
- All this happens way before you get to Steven Seagal's unbearably uncomfortable encounter with then-wife Kelly LeBrock and their wine-opening tutorial. "Was that as good for you as it was for me?" she asks, as she finishes pouring the wine. We didn't hear the answer because we all passed out instantaneously.
This incredible special is just over 55 minutes of bizarre, campy gold (we're all busy, so if you can't commit yourself to the full viewing, Inside Scoop SF has a spot-on breakdown of the must-see moments).
In case you were concerned [spoiler alert!] there is a brief anti-drunk-driving PSA at the end by Robo-Cop himself, Peter Weller. Because you wouldn't want to be pulled over while intoxicated, "even on wine."
Also on HuffPost:
7 Deadly Mistakes
Getting the most out of each bottle is important because, and lets be real here, most wines are luxury items. Wasting an opportunity with wine is wasteful at its least and disrespectful at its worst. After all, a lot of people put a ton of effort into ensuring that they put the best juice possible in every bottle. So avoid these common wine mistakes and take advantage of those efforts. Besides, it'll make the wine taste better too! <em>Photo courtesy <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/kenudigit/3741882880/" target="_hplink">kenudigit</a> via Flickr/CC</em>
This Wine is Too Cold
This is one of the least problematic wine mistakes you can make. Unless you're tailgating outside of MetLife Stadium on a bitter New Jersey Meadowlands' afternoon (go Jets!), it's pretty easy to remedy. Just let your wine warm up! Over chilling wines may make them refreshing, but it also tamps down the aromas and flavors of the wine while highlighting the tannins. Dull, chewy reds and insipid whites are the result of serving your wines too cold. Our <a href="http://www.snooth.com/articles/serving-temperatures-infographic/" target="_hplink">Wine Serving Temperatures Infographic</a> will help you figure out how to serve your wine. <em>Photo courtesy <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/freed33/6834565329/" target="_hplink">Fr33d</a> via Flickr/CC</em>
This Wine is Too Hot
Serving wines too hot is much worse than serving them too cold. The temperature doesn't do any favors for the wine, but it also tends to be indicative of mistreatment. I'm an outlier in the wine world because I believe that wine is fairly durable, particularly if we're talking about short term storage. So while I'm not horrified by wines stored in the high 70s for somewhat extended periods of time, anything hotter and you're quickly cooking your wine. This damage will show up in time as caramel, molasses flavors and the premature aging of the wine with an accompanying change in color. While storing wines at 75 degrees is probably alright, serving them that hot is really a no-no. The high temperatures stimulates the evaporation of alcohol and volatile compounds in the wine, marring the nose while making the wine feel soft and flabby in the mouth, a double whammy. Use our handy <a href="http://www.snooth.com/articles/serving-temperatures-infographic/" target="_hplink">Wine Serving Temperatures Infographic</a> to determine the best serving temperature for your wine. <em>Photo courtesy <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/rabasz/322160426/" target="_hplink">rabasz</a> via Flickr/CC</em>
This Wine Needs Some Mouth to Mouth
Letting a wine breathe is often seen as a pompous affectation of snobby old men and their fancy wines, nothing could be further from the truth. Think about it: wines have been bottled with durability in mind, often being produced in reductive, or oxygen free environment. The wines need to take a few breaths of air in order to stretch out and relax. Do you ever think that the last glass of wine from a bottle is the best? That is no coincidence. Letting a wine breathe helps to stimulate the development of aromas and soften tannins. <em>Photo courtesy <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/neonzu1/6092631893/" target="_hplink">neonzu2</a> via Flickr/CC</em>
This Wine Needs A Bowl
Yes glassware does matter, even though I have written some articles that might seem to contradict that statement. In the past, I have promoted the use of simple glassware, tumblers even, and railed against the fetish of finding the perfect glass for each and every wine. I'm sticking by those positions but at the same have to recognize that there is a right time for bigger bowls, like when you have a wine that has more to say. A nice, big bowl, at least 10 ounces, leaves plenty of space for swirling and allows for a wine's aromas to accumulate, making it easier for you to enjoy. A glass that exposes a large percentage of your glass to air also allows for those aromas to emerge more rapidly from your wine, upping the aromatic intensity of your wine even more. <em>Photo courtesy <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/henryrose/4014630278/" target="_hplink">jhenryrose</a> via Flickr/CC</em>
This Wine Needs A Rest
There’s a phenomenon in the wine world known as “travel shock.” It basically says that wines which have recently traveled need to rest in order to show their best. While I have no idea what the scientific basis for such claims might be, I have experienced travel shock enough to believe that it is real. It’s probably similar to bottle shock, which is basically the same phenomenon but refers to wines that have been recently bottled, another from of stress on the wine. Both bottle shock and travel shock produce wines that are muted, dull and basically uninteresting. Let your wines rest!
This Wine Needs A Better Dinner Partner
While it is easy to promote a "drink-what-you-like-with-your-dinner" attitude, the truth is that some wines simply don't work with certain foods and vice versa. The examples may be limited but a few that I can think of off the top of my head include wines with artichokes, which make wine taste bitter, oily fish and big reds, where the wine tastes like tannin and metal, and salad with low acid wines, where the dressing makes the wine taste sad and flabby. <em>Photo courtesy <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ulteriorepicure/434519069/" target="_hplink">ulterior epicure</a> via Flickr/CC</em>
Assuming You Know
Assuming that you really know enough about a wine to dismiss it after one encounter is the biggest mistake we make with wine. There are so many things that can make a wine show poorly, from the six mistakes that lead up to this one to things like bad corks, dirty glassware and even a bad palate day. Hey, it happens to the best of us. I know its disingenuous of me to tell you to give a wine a second chance once you've decided you don't like it, but I can't tell you how many times I've been pleasantly surprised by a wine on the second go 'round. It all boils down to having an open mind and realizing that we all make mistakes, so next time you don't have a good experience with a wine, don't be so quick to blame the wine! <em>Photo courtesy <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/billselak/2775549027/" target="_hplink">billaday</a> via Flickr/CC</em>
Want To Learn More
<a href="http://www.snooth.com/articles/green-winemaking-part-4/" target="_hplink">For more interesting tidbits, check out comparing wine closures.</a> <a href="http://www.snooth.com/articles/7-mistakes-wine-drinkers-make/#ixzz1uyO6mr1Q" target="_hplink">Read more at Snooth</a>.