Let’s face it -- regardless of which candidate you support, election night is tough. Issues that directly impact people’s lives, relationships and livelihoods are on the line, and it all comes down to who gets at least 270 votes from the Electoral College. Tuesday night is going to be a stressful one ... period.
Since you can’t control what happens after you cast your ballot (and please DO cast your ballot), we figure you might as well enjoy the evening as much as possible. And how better to enjoy oneself than with a little bit of politically-themed foreplay?
In the spirit of election night, we present to you the ultimate Election Sex Game -- guaranteed to lessen (at least temporarily) the anxiety of watching precinct results come in. Ready? Behold, 13 steps to Election Night fun.
1. Every time your candidate wins a state, take off an item of clothing. (Hint: If you want to prolong the anticipation, start with lots of layers.)
2. Every time your candidate loses a state, put an item of clothing back on.
3. The first time anyone mentions a swing state, confess to your significant other which celebrity you would most like to have a threesome with. Then require your partner to do the same. (Note: You are not allowed to get mad over his or her answer. There's no fighting in Election Sex.)
4. Every time someone mentions the female vote, do it on a bed of binders.
5. If your candidate wins Ohhhh-hio, have an orgasm, instantly. (Because as romantic comedies have taught us, orgasms are that easy. For all women. Always.)
6. If Richard Mourdock, Todd Akin, John Koster or Tom Smith lose their election bids, show your partner how women's bodies really work. If they win, you should do the same, but you will probably be too enraged.
7. Party like it's 2000: Compose a sext that involves the words "hanging chad." Bonus points for "dimpled chad."
8. When the results come in for Wisconsin, a state famous for their dairy products, get out some whipped cream and take it from there.
9. Every time you see Paul Ryan's buff self, have your partner attempt to bench press you.
10. Every time you see Joe Biden’s pearly whites, sensually bite someone in the room.
11. “Virginia is for lovers.” When the majority of the southern state’s precincts have reported, take that slogan literally.
12. When the final results come in and the victory/concession speeches start, take a breather. Not even an orgasm is worth missing the important end to a seemingly endless campaign.
13. Go back into the bedroom. This calls for some victory and/or comfort-me-in-my-defeat sex. Then pass out. Elections, especially sexy ones, are exhausting.
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