We've said it before, we'll say it again -- we don't hate whimsy, but not everything in the kitchen needs to be adorable. Some kitchen tools are just useless. Some are just ridiculously silly. Also, some things have reached the peak of their design and efficiency, like the pizza cutter. How many more improvements do you think a spinning wheel with sharp edges really needs?
We've pulled together some of the dumbest pizza slicers we've ever seen. Please consider this a PSA. Put down the kitchen novelty item, and back away slowly. We're going to get through this together.
This pizza wheel has "crust-cutting blades" on either side. A spinning knife with two other knives sticking out of it. Awesome idea! <em>$12.99 on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Quirky-Slice-Pizza-Cutting-Blades/dp/B008BVRXYQ/ref=sr_1_123?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1352306977&sr=1-123&keywords=pizza+cutter">Amazon</a></em>
Double Wheel Pizza Cutter
Because one wheel is so efficient, you might as well have two. <em>$33.90 on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/WMF-Profi-Stainless-Double-Cutter/dp/B00005O65Y/ref=sr_1_55?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1352306905&sr=1-55&keywords=pizza+cutter">Amazon</a></em>
This hand-forged steel behemoth is simply labeled "Pizza Cutter." We think we probably would have gone with something a little more Medieval-sounding? <em>$38.00 on <a href="http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/pizza-cutter">UncommonGoods</a></em>
Equalizer Multi-Blade Rocker
The inventor of this pizza cutter probably needs to calm down about equally-sized slices. Just a guess. <em>$210 - $275 on <a href="http://www.akitchen.com/store/pizza-rocker.html">ABestKitchen.com</a></em>
Folding Pizza Wheel
Uh, yeah. Shouldn't be any problems with people slicing their knuckles open here. <em>$6.99 on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Progressive-Folding-Pizza-Wheel/dp/B000QA2GDS/?ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1346174760&sr=1-1&keywords=Progressive+Folding+Pizza+Wheel&tag=gmgamzn-20">Amazon</a></em>
Mario Batali is definitely clicking the link to order this one. <em>$10 on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Kikkerland-II-Motorino-Pizza-Cutter/dp/B0096643J8/?tag=theawes-20">Amazon</a></em>
For the love of all that is holy, just pick up the slice of pizza. <em>$6 on <a href="http://www.stupidiotic.com/product_info.php?cPath=9_14&products_id=27">StupidIdiotic</a></em>
Park Tool Pizza Tool
Get it? Because bikes have wheels and it's a pizza wheel? Seriously, we hate this so much. <em>$13.70 on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Park-Tool-PZT-2-Pizza/dp/B001B6LNB2/ref=sr_1_43?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1352306876&sr=1-43&keywords=pizza+cutter">Amazon</a></em>
PI Pizza Cutter
Get it? Because it's Pi and -- oh, forget it. <em>$22.95 on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/NUOP-PI-Pizza-Cutter-Red/dp/B005LVZOCM/ref=sr_1_110?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1352306950&sr=1-110&keywords=pizza+cutter">Amazon</a></em>
This electric pizza cutter is one of our favorite "<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/04/electric-pizza-cutter_n_1937340.html">What Could Possibly Go Wrong?</a>" jokes. <em>$9.99 - $30 on <a href="http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_trksid=p4069.m570.l1313&_nkw=regal+pizza+pal&_sacat=0">eBay</a></em>
For the "handyman" in your life who really just eats too much pizza. <em>$14.99 on <a href="http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/eaba/?rkgid=275668648&cpg=ogpla&source=google_pla&gclid=CPmF25GivbMCFYKK4AodH2cATA">ThinkGeek</a></em>
Pizza Cutter With Stand
The designers of this pizza wheel were apparently so inspired by their design, that they took the time to think up the name "Pizza Cutter with Stand" for their masterpiece. Also, kids, never sit on the edge of a blade that rotates! <em>$40 on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Pizza-Cutter-Stand-Kitchen-Accessories/dp/B009DLJ3OG/ref=sr_1_218?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1352307062&sr=1-218&keywords=pizza+cutter">Amazon</a></em>
"His legs move as you cut!" Yes, because he's probably trying to get away from the BLADE UNDERNEATH HIM. <em>$19.99 on <a href="http://www.perpetualkid.com/pizza-peddler-rolling-cutter.aspx">Perpetual Kid</a></em>
Pizza Scissors Spatula
Sadly, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B003TXB8WO/?tag=047-20">Amazon does not know when this item will be back in stock</a>. We literally have no idea what you'll do in the meantime.
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