Sex is like doing math -- about half the time you get an odd result.
At HuffPost Weird News, we know sex can get downright bizarre , and the outcomes aren't always pretty.
Here are the 10 Most Wildly Unsexy Sex Stories of 2012:
10. The Long Arm of The Law
In April, former Sante Fe, N.M. police sergeant Mike Eiskant found himself in a touchy situation after the release of a video that allegedly shows him masturbating in his squad car. In the 10-minute video, Eiskant appears to be polishing his pistol while looking at a picture of a nude woman, and his voice can be heard on the audio saying things like, "Oh, show me those big beautiful breasts, baby." Another former officer told KOB-TV that she wasn't surprised by the allegations. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/10/mike-eiskant-santa-fe-police-officer-masturbating-squad-car-on-duty_n_1415740.html">Read the whole story here. </a>
9. Dude, Where's My Dildo?
While two lesbians fighting over a sex toy sounds like the plot of low-budget porno, this police report was anything but arousing. South Carolina woman Arteesha Donaldsno was arrested on Thanksgiving Day after an alleged domestic disturbance that ensued when Donaldson "began looking for her detachable latex penis." She became upset when she couldn't find it and allegedly threw an ironing board at her girlfriend. However, officers say Donaldson claims to have thrown the board at the floor, not at her lover. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/27/arteesha-donaldson-south-carolina-assault-sex-toy-detachable-penis_n_2200389.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
8. Sex, Guns, And Moving Cars
A Florida woman was charged with armed robbery In September after she allegedly pulled a gun while having sex with a man driving a car. Investigators say that Amanda Jean Linscott, 26, met the male victim while visiting a pub in Port Charlotte. Later that night, Linscott and the man wound up in his car, where police say they began to have sex while the man drove. Mid-route, Linscott allegedly asked the man for money, and when he refused, whipped out a gun. The understandably distracted driver lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a palm tree. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/12/amanda-linscott-gun-sex-moving-car_n_1877198.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news">Read the whole story here.</a>
7. Oh, Oh, Ohhh Canada!
At least somebody's scoring. With the NHL lockout this hockey season, Canadians are buying more sex toys, claims Vinay Morker, owner of Hush Lingerie and More in Edmonton. He says his sales of sex toys, sex games, sexual guides and lingerie have gone up 15 percent since October. "We'd be gearing up for [NHL hockey] now, but there's nothing, so I guess we need to find some better ways to spend our time," he told the Toronto Sun. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/19/sex-toy-sales-canada-nhl-lockout_n_2158997.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
6. Too Much Woman
A German man reportedly had to flee to the police last April after a woman demanded too much sex. The man says he and his lady friend had several consensual rolls in the hay, and he then tried to leave the apartment. However, she allegedly tried to stop him from leaving and started demanding more help, resulting in the man going to the cops for for help. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/13/man-flees-after-too-much-sex_n_1423530.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
5. More Cushion For The Pushin'
Talk about a love seat. In September, Wisconsin police say they spotted 46-year-old Gerard Streator trying to "sexually gratify" himself with a curbside discarded sofa. The police report states that Streator was "thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and … rubbing his penis between the two cushions." <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/24/gerard-streator-sex-with-couch_n_1909699.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
4. Every Man's Nightmare
The cops came not a moment too soon. Racquel Gonzalez, 24, was arrested in November for allegedly assaulting her boyfriend when he had an orgasm before she had gotten the chance. Her boyfriend told Manatee County, Fla. deputies that the two were having sex and after he climaxed, she got angry and started scratching and hitting him. Investigators say the man claimed Gonzales has some past issues and "goes off" on him regularly. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/27/racquel-gonzalez-esric-davis-orgasm-assault-sex_n_2200096.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
3. Stiff Competition
Great things are happening for small packages. In October, Denmark-based erotica website Singlesex.dk called for submissions to a competition offering a free iPhone to the man with the smallest penis. Contestants are asked to send in a photo of their erect members next to measuring tape. The site is accepting entries through Jan. 31. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/12/smallest-penis-contest_n_1962514.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-sex">Read the whole story, and find out what sex experts think of the competition, here.</a>
2. He Came And He Went
They say death comes in groups of three. In May, the family of a man who died while having am extramarital threesome with a woman and a male friend was awarded $3 million. In 2009, 31-year-old William Martinez was scheduled to have a nuclear stress test due to his "high risk" of having clogged arteries. However, Martinez died the day before the test when he suffered a heart attack during the menage a trois. Three years later, a judge awarded Martinez's family $3 million, conceding that Martinez's doctor failed to sufficiently warn the patient to halt all physical activity prior to the test. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/01/william-martinez-threesome-death-family-medical-malpractice-sreenivasulu-gangasani_n_1563247.html">Read the whole story here. </a>
1. What An Ass!
After being accused of having sex with a miniature donkey, one Florida man declared that it was his constitutional right to do so. In August, a witness alleges to have seen Carlos Romero with his pants down "up against the rear" of a miniature donkey named Doodle. Police say Romero admitted that he "likes the way her fur feels on his privates" and will stand behind the donkey when she's in heat, scratch her nether regions and masturbate. He also allegedly noted that animals "do not seek other pleasures" and that their feelings are "100 percent honest," as opposed to "promiscuous" humans, who are apt to "stab you in the back, give you diseases [and] lie to you." In a motion filed with Marion County court in December, the man's attorneys argued that Florida's anti-bestiality laws are unjust because they violate his "personal liberty and autonomy when it comes to private intimate activities." Read the whole story <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/18/carlos-romero-donkey-sex_n_1894146.html">here </a>and <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/13/carlos-romero-donkey-sex-constitutional-right_n_2293592.html">here. </a>