12/25/2012 09:05 am ET

Christmas Jokes: 17 Holiday Quotes From Comedians

Thanks to the doomsday predictors being wrong yet again, it's finally Christmas Day 2012! And it wouldn't be Christmas without a rundown of some of our favorite comedians' jokes and bits about the most wonderful time of the year. Take a look at our picks below and let us know what we missed.

  • Jim Gaffigan
    "Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"
  • Steven Wright
    "I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
  • Phyllis Diller
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    "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
  • Louis C.K.
    "One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December."
  • Johnny Carson
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    “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
  • Joan Rivers
    "The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
  • Jon Stewart
    "Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." -- On Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays"
  • Jerry Seinfeld
    "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
  • Wanda Sykes
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    "I love my family but my family -- they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play -- I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'"
  • Lewis Black
    "Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!"
  • Marc Maron
    "I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'"
  • Laura Kightlinger
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    "My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?"
  • Demetri Martin
    "I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
  • George Carlin
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    "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
  • Jay Leno
    "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
  • P.J. O'Rourke
    "There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them."
  • Anthony Jeselnik
    "This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox."