Sen. John Kerry is expected to waltz through the nomination process for secretary of state, having shown near unanimous support on both sides of the aisle. But The Onion has some serious reservations about whether Kerry is fit for office, due to leftover questions about Kerry's Vietnam service that haunted him in his failed 2004 presidential campaign.
From The Onion:
However, it is our duty as the vanguard of journalistic excellence to hold our leaders to a more exacting standard. And so, The Onion today demands that, before the confirmation process is allowed to continue, John Kerry be forced to tell the full and unvarnished truth about his service as a swift boat commander in the Vietnam War so that the concerns of the legions of doubters may at last be put to rest.
After Kerry's 2004 loss, many pundits have pointed to Kerry's ineffectual response to accusations lobbied by the political group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth that Kerry lied about his military record in order to score political points. (The organization was revealed to be mostly backed by Republican donors, discrediting the legitimacy of their claims for many.)
During the controversy, Republicans roundly mocked Kerry's service, even wearing bandages with drawings of purple-colored hearts -- indicating that this was as meaningful as Kerry's Purple Heart medal he earned during his service.
Incidentally, Fox News actually did trot out the Swift Boat controversy when Kerry was rumored to be considered for defense secretary. Sometimes truth is stranger than satire.
Click over to The Onion to see their full explanation of why Kerry must reveal the truth about his military record.