In 2010, when the New Orleans Saints faced off against the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLIV, actor/comedian Denis Leary volunteered his advice for women everywhere to Oprah.com. We thought it might come in handy this weekend when you watch Super Bowl 2013.
That's right. Eight. Could have been 10, but that's David Letterman territory. Could have been 12. But that's a couple more than Dave and thus a little too show-offy.
In fact, I could have listed 18 or 20 or 25, but those numbers, to use a little football parlance, may just have been perceived as "piling on."
So eight it is.
Eight things to stay far, far away from while watching the Super Bowl with your boyfriend, partner, lover or hubby-poo.
Eight things we men really, really, REALLY hate to hear about while we are watching the biggest football game of the year with a bunch of our best buddies and their wives or girlfriends or fiancées. Eight things men watching men chase other men around while men with microphones say manly things don't want to hear women talk about.
In no particular order:
Other Men's Asses
We don't want to hear about them. Not a single one. Not the ass of Tom Brady. Not the ass of Reggie Bush. Strange as it may seem, we don't look at other men's rear ends. Not even the tight end's end, whether it be tight or fat or anything in between. So if some player's backside begins to strike your fancy during the game, please keep it to yourself. Because I can almost guarantee that any conversation involving Tom Brady's butt or the derriere of Reggie Bush will only lead down a road I like to call the Celebrity Ass Worship Extravaganza, which for almost every single heterosexual man on this planet includes detailed and numerous discussions about just how fantastic Giselle Bündchen's ass looks from absolutely every angle and the walking spectacle that is the keister of Kim Kardashian.
We are aware -- down deep -- that they know nothing about football. We know that as they leap and tumble and toss their little tushes to and fro, it's not because their team just intercepted an opposing pass on third and goal in the red zone. It's because someone standing inches off-camera pointed at them and said, "Go!" We are fully cognizant that they may be only two pompoms and a trumped-up aerobics audition away from serving hot wings in a tight white Hooters T-shirt. Please don't ruin it by pointing out such salient information. We get it. We just don't want to think about that right now. We just want to watch the dancing cleavage for a few seconds in between big plays. If the networks would allow strippers on the sidelines, we wouldn't be watching the football game at all. Which is why the cheerleaders don't take their clothes off. Or talk.
Please do not discuss the curtains and which new curtains you are thinking of getting or the carpet or the new carpet you're considering or new chairs or new coffee tables or lamps or bathroom fixtures or tiles or sconces of any kind. We don't care about them on a REGULAR football day, never mind Super Bowl Sunday. We don't even know what sconces are. Sounds like some kind of breakfast thing to most of us. Something like a muffin, only harder. You say sconce, we think butter.
Wine And Cheese
Not today. No wine, no brie, no grapes, no table water crackers, no crudité. It's football. It's beer, booze and beef. Steak and cheese. Beer and Cheez-Its. Cheetos and fried chicken. Pork sausage and potato chips. REAL potato chips. Not baked. No apple slices arrayed on large serving platters with a celery stick section and a little baby carrot area located right next to a petite plastic half-pint container of real Israeli hummus. We want meat. Big, hot, red chunks of meat. And cold beer. Lots and lots of cold beer. Remember: We're morons. Watching a bunch of other morons try to catch a ball made out of a dead cow. Do you really wanna waste your Bordeaux or imported fromage on us? No. Fromage means cheese, right? Or is it a French car? Shoot. I think it's a car. I love French stuff. Mmmm, french fries. Let's get some french fries for the game.
We don't want to listen as you dissect your love/hate relationships with Jenny the Bitch from Accounting, who dresses like a whore and trash talks about all of you behind your backs but who you still stay friends with because of some insane female DNA dollop that requires you to talk unendingly about how much Botox she has had injected into her forehead and how much smaller her tits used to be and how you plan on never talking to her again only to invite her and her human tool of a husband over for dinner next week out of a sick and twisted desire to remain her friend in order to feel more superior about yourselves. We get that. We've already wasted countless hours -- not to mention brain cells and really good cold beer -- talking to the aforementioned hammerhead she married during previous coupled-up appointments. It's one of the prices we pay for being with you. But right now, the only bitch we want to talk about is the one playing quarterback for our favorite team. The one who threw three interceptions last week because he's afraid of getting hit. I'd like to Botox HIS face if we don't win this game.
Other Men's Arms
We know football players have huge arms. They are muscled and massive and bulging and, well, just plain big. We know you love arms that look like that. Here's a headline for you though: We are never going to have arms that size. Ever. Never ever. Not if we buy new furniture twice a week and move it in ourselves. Not if we take the couch we are currently sitting on and just maneuver it around the room six or seven times a day. Not even if we take the trash out every single hour for 67 straight days. We will never have those football player-size arms. So stop ogling them. Or ogle them without mentioning how much ogling of them you are currently involved with to us.
And pass the potato chips.
And the sour cream dip.
And the fried pork rinds please.
They are very, very complicated. And it will take a very very long time to explain them. And the time to explain them is not during the most important game of the year. So let me break it down to the absolute most basic of all basics for you: Our team is good. The other team is evil. The point of the game is for our team to beat the living daylights out of the other team. Anything our team does -- kicking, biting, punching, stomping -- should be legal. Everything the other team does should be totally against the law. That’s really all you need to know.
We love Oprah as much as you do. We really do. She keeps you busy. She makes you read really large and long and involved books about self-help and self-discovery and Jesus and the civil rights movement -- which lets US read really short and stupid ones about Joe Namath and Vince Lombardi and golf and the history of helmets. But please let’s not talk about Oprah today. Please? Just for like -- four hours? Please? We promise to take out the trash and move furniture and even learn what a sconce is. Please?
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Michael Mina's Super Bowl Crab Cioppino
<strong>Ingredients</strong> <em>For the Fresh-Picked Crab Meat:</em> · 4 cooked Dungeness crabs (or 4 clusters of large snow crab or king crab legs, which are often sold frozen at the fish market*), cracked & steamed by fishmonger, reserving all shells · 1 1/3 cups goes to Crab Toast, remaining goes to the broth when building the plate *If you’re using frozen crab legs, bring a large pot of water to a boil and add the king crab legs for about 10 minutes, or until they are heated through. Snow crab legs, which are slightly smaller, will be done in 6 to 8 minutes. Remove the meat by snipping through the hard exterior of the legs with kitchen shears. *Ask for crab, cooked and cleaned with all the shells except for the crown to see what we get. <em>For the Cioppino Broth:</em> · ½ cup grapeseed oil · 2 medium yellow onions, sliced thinly · 2 leeks, white part only, sliced thinly · 2 celery stalks, sliced thinly · 2 medium carrots, sliced thinly · 1 bulb fennel, core removed and sliced thinly · 2 red Fresno chiles or jalapeño peppers, sliced thinly · 8 garlic cloves, sliced thinly · 4 tablespoons tomato paste · 1 bottle white wine · 28-ounce can diced tomatoes · Stems from 1 bunch basil · 1 quart (4 cups) clam juice · Bodies and shells of 4 crabs, meat removed · Juice of 4 oranges · 1 tablespoon fennel seeds · 1 tablespoon coriander seeds Serves: 4 Total Time: 2 hours and 15 minutes Active Time: 1 hour and 30 minutes <em>Method</em> For the Fresh-Picked Crab Meat: 1. Place crabs on small baking sheet. Pull meat aside and place on another small baking sheet, place shells in bowl and reserve for broth. Reserve picked crab meat for Crab Toasts and/or Cioppino broth. 2. Save crab legs for plating in bowl or ¼ sheet pan. Using kitchen shears, snip a thin segment of shell out of the base of each crab leg to make it easy for guests to access the meat within. Reserve the snipped crab legs on a small baking sheet. For the Cioppino Broth: 1. Break up crab shells into small pieces. 2. Heat your pan over high heat. Add crab shells to the hot pan, stir, and then add grapeseed oil. Roast shells for 5 minutes. 3. Place coriander and fennel seeds in mesh tea ball and set to the side. Add onions, leeks, carrots, fennel, celery, garlic, and Fresnos and sauté until vegetables sweat and become translucent, about 15 minutes. 4. Add tomato paste and stir to coat the vegetables. Continue cooking until the tomato paste is sticky and starts to brown. (The smell of the raw tomato paste will be gone and it will smell like caramelizing vegetables.) 5. Add basil stems and wine and de-glaze the pan, scraping up any browned bits from the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon. Reduce the wine by ½. 6. Place fennel and coriander seeds in a small mesh tea ball and place in the pot. Stir in diced tomatoes, clam juice and orange juice. Place tea ball with spices in stew. 7. Reduce heat and let simmer 45 minutes. 8. Remove tea ball and taste the broth for spice. If you would like it spicier at this point, add more peppers. Remove broth from heat and let cool slightly. Pour broth in batches into a blender and blend on low just enough to break up the shells. Push through coarse strainer. Discard shells. Return to pot.
Waterbar Crab and Artichoke Dip
Serves 10-12 <strong>Ingredients</strong> · 5 globe artichokes, cooked and chopped · ½ pound crab meat · Zest of 1 lemon · ¼ bunch tarragon, chopped · ¼ cup parmesan cheese, grated · ¼ cup aioli · ¼ cup mascarpone cheese · 1 onion, minced · Butter · Salt and pepper <strong>Method:</strong> Cook artichokes in balsamic, salted water until tender. Cool and rough chop into small pieces. Sweat onions in butter until tender. Mix artichokes, mascarpone, aioli, lemon zest, tarragon, and parmesan in a metal bowl. Add warm onions and mix well. The warmth of the onions should make this mixture creamy. Fold in the crab meat. This should be ravioli filling consistency. Fill casserole dish and bake at 350 until golden and bubbly.
Epic Roasthouse Green Duck Chili
Yield 1 gallon <em>Ingredients: </em> ½ cup Canola Oil 1 lb. Ground Duck 1 lb. Ground Pork 1 Tbs. Chopped Garlic 7 Tbs. Jan's Special spice see recipe ¼ cup Masaharina – Found in Mexican Grocery and the Ethnic section in some grocery stores - This is a corn flour ground from masa or Hominy corn ½ cup Flour 1 onions chopped fine 1 Red peppers chopped fine 3 Poblanos chopped fine 1 Jalapenos minced ½ cup Beer 4 cups Chicken stock 8 oz. Green chilies chopped – Canned Green chilis work fine or Grill – seed, peel and dice Anehiem, Banana or Poblano peppers 2 whole 8“ Corn tortillas Fried totally crisp or 8 corn chips 4 Tbs. Cilantro Chopped don’t be afraid of a little stem 1 cup. Lime juice ½ cup Scallions sliced bias for garnish ½ cup Sour Cream <em>Spice mix:</em> 3 -4 Tbs. Kosher salt 1 Tsp. Cayenne 1 Tbs. Toasted cumin 1 Tsp. Toasted Coriander 1 Tbs. Paprika 2 Tsp. Black Pepper ½ lb. (optional) Grated Jack Cheese <em>Method:</em> In thick bottom soup pot brown the ground duck and pork in the canola oil to eliminate most of the water. Add the chopped garlic and continue to cook until the meat is very brown and making a snap crackle popping noise. Sprinkle with Jan's spices. Cook it until a heavy fond can no longer be scraped off of the bottom. Sprinkle with masaharina and flour. Allow the flours to brown. Add the chopped onions and peppers and jalapenos. Lower the heat to moderate. This will quickly be hard to handle. Deglaze with beer. Reduce to dry. Add the stock and the chopped canned green chilies. Simmer for 1 hour. Adjust seasoning. Crumble the tortillas into a blender. Ladle out enough of the liquid to spin the tortillas in the blender. Blend smooth. Add back to chili. Simmer 15 -20 minutes. Adjust seasoning again. Remove from heat and add chopped cilantro and lime juice. Garnish with Scallions and Sour Cream. This chili is mild, if you choose for it to be hotter add chopped jalapenos at any stage in the making of the soup. Know that that earlier in the process they are added, the milder and slower the burn will be. Add them at the end and you will have a more Piquante Chile. Serve with lots of Crispy tortilla chips and grated cheese.
Kory Stewart's Agrodolce Chicken Wing Sauce
1000g sugar 700g champagne vinegar 3 cloves garlic-smashed 10g chili flakes- toasted 5g esplette pepper 3 ea red bell pepper- small dice 5g salt 30g fish sauce Caramelize sugar to medium amber add garlic, add toasted chili flake and esplette and vinegar. Melt caramel over high heat, add bell pepper, salt & fish sauce. Remove a small amount of sauce and thicken slightly with xantham gum in blender.
Pamela Mazzola's Prospect Popcorn
• Canola oil or pan spray as needed • 1/2 cup popcorn kernels (see Note) • 1/2 vanilla bean • 1 cup packed light brown sugar • 5 ounces (10 tablespoons) unsalted butter • 1 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt • 3 ounces (5 tablespoons + 1 teaspoon) dark corn syrup • 1 tablespoon cocoa nibs Instructions: 1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Use canola oil or pan spray to coat a large bowl, two large spoons and two rimmed baking sheets (or line rimmed baking sheets with silicone mats). 2. Pop the popcorn according to package directions; place in a large bowl. Split the vanilla bean and scrape the seeds into a medium pot. Add the brown sugar, butter, salt, corn syrup and cocoa nibs; mix well. Place over medium heat, and bring to a boil, whisking continuously. 3. When the sugar has dissolved, remove the pot from the heat. Pour the mixture over the popcorn, stirring with the two large spoons or rubber spatulas, until all the popcorn is well coated. 4. Divide the popcorn between the two rimmed baking sheets. Bake about 45 minutes, stirring every 15 minutes. 5. Remove the baking sheets from the oven, and stir the popcorn for a few minutes to prevent it from sticking together as it cools. Let the popcorn cool until it is no longer warm and becomes crisp. Break apart into manageable chunks and store in an airtight container for up to 5 days. 6. Note: Any good quality popcorn, such as White Cat Corn and Arrowheat Mills Organic, will work for this recipe. Nutrition Information: • Per 1-cup serving: 310 calories, 1 g protein, 45 g carbohydrate, 15 g fat (9 g saturated), 39 mg cholesterol, 437 mg sodium, 1 g fiber. • Yields: Makes 2 quarts
Woodhouse Fish Co.'s Grilled and Stuffed Artichokes
1 tablespoon Lemon pepper seasoning 2 large shallots 10 cloves garlic ½ bunch washed cilantro ½ cup red wine vinegar Kosher salt to taste 1 cup olive oil 1. Combine all ingredients except olive oil in a food processor 2. Grind until the vegetables are pureed 3. Slowly incorporate olive oil 4. The finished product should be thick and look creamy Artichokes 4 large artichokes 4 bay leaves 4 cloves garlic 1 teaspoon black peppercorns salt to season the cooking water 1 lemon cut in half 1. In a large pot bring water to a boil with the lemon, garlic, bay leaves and peppercorns 2. Season the water with salt and cook the artichokes for approximately 15-20 minutes or until tender to the heart, this can be checked by sticking a meat thermometer in the center of the heart from the bottom. If there is little resistance they should be ready 3. Remove the artichokes and let cool at room temperature 4. Once cool cut the artichokes in half lengthwise and clean out the choke with a spoon. 5. Coat the artichokes with the marinate on both sides and grill until they begin to caramelize and are hot all the way through 6. Put the artichokes on a platter and stuff the center of the artichokes with picked Dungeness crab meat or bay shrimp meat. Serve with cocktail sauce, aioli and a side salad