Pandas are notoriously bad at getting to the bone zone. But we all love baby pandas, so here are some ways we can encourage these animals to hurry up and get to sexytime already this mating season.
Get Them Drunk
If the pandas are feeling uptight, it's time for shots. Remember, pandas can weigh around 250 pounds so don't hold back on the liquor.
Make Sure They're Comfortable With Their Sexuality
Some pandas don't see themselves as sexual beings and have a lot of guilt wrapped up in the idea of mating. This is when the zoo's sex therapist (they have those, right?) should sit down with the pandas and answer any questions they might have and let them know that any nerves they might be feeling are totally normal.
The Right Soundtrack
A little Marvin Gaye or Barry White or Madonna's "Justify My Love" could not hurt the panda mating process.
You might think they don't make lingerie for pandas but you'd be surprised what you can find on Etsy.
Force Them To Watch The Video Of Baby Pandas Going Down A Slide
No one can watch <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/05/panda-cubs-on-slide-video_n_1650802.html" target="_blank">this video</a> and not want to make a baby panda happen ASAP by any means necessary (sex).
Pandas are not gonna be happy with some cheap IKEA floor lamp. Go candles or go home.
Get Them Tested For STDs
Pandas will feel much more relaxed if they know for sure everyone's got a clean bill of health.
Make Them Watch A Sexy Movie
Try 'Y Tu Mamá También' or 'Eyes Wide Shut.' But remember, avoid hardcore pornography when you're dealing with pandas. It offends their delicate sensibilities.
Decorative Throw Pillows
The right decorative throw pillow setup can enhance any panda lovemaking scenario.
Get Them To Stop Eating Bamboo For Five Seconds
This is the biggest challenge with pandas. They just love bamboo so much. If you ask a panda if he wants to eat bamboo or have sex, it's really not even a competition. Bamboo wins every time.
Get Them REALLY Drunk
If all else fails, return to the bottle* *If you were really planning to get a panda drunk, don't. They're endangered and you're a monster.
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