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"I make terrible decisions"
"I'm the one making huffy, impatient noises in the Starbucks line"
"I'm a terrible friend"
"I've never kept a pet alive longer than 24 hours"
"My definition of 'accomplishment' is putting on pants"
"I was an extra on 'Law & Order'"
"You would not believe how incredibly slow I run"
"I can't stop screaming"
"I don't have a job"
"I watched all five season of The Wire in one sitting"
"I'm one of the top three most annoying people you know"
"I also don't have a job"
"I've been wearing pajamas for 72 hours"
"I've never finished a book"
"I'm just so tired"
"I have a 'fancy' pair of cargo shorts for special occasions"
"I'm struggling with my own mortality"