Cinco de Mayo is basically Christmas for drunks. And there's no drunk we love more than the "Tipsy Hostess," a spirited gin-soaked creature that may or may not exist. And we may or may not know personally. She's one part Lucille Bluth and another part Lucille Ball. Either way, she's perpetually between martinis and is dedicated to living The Good Life in the best way possible. Here's her guide to Cinco de Mayo

Step 1: Wake up with a bourbon hangover because it was the Kentucky Derby yesterday.

Step 2: As you nurse your wounds with a Bloody Mary, check Instagram. See everyone arbitrarily wearing sombreros/drinking margaritas before noon, which is odd, even for your group of friends.

Step 3: Remember that it's Cinco de Mayo, the third most drunken holiday of the year. (First is St. Patrick's Day, second is Christmas because of your family.)

Step 4: Call your friends. It's not so much a holiday as a margarita-pportunity.

Step 5: Dig out your old blender. You bought it because you'd be healthy and drink smoothies for breakfast and lunch. This never happened.

Step 6: Tequila. There's a bottle in the back of your bar, semi-hidden because of that Night That Can't Be Brought Up.

Step 7: See that everyone on the internet makes their margaritas with fresh, local ingredients. Your ready-made drink mix (which is the striking color of antifreeze and your latest handbag) is also local. It's from the liquor store around the corner. Somewhere, a foodie gets indigestion. You feel no shame.

Step 8: Pick up some tacos and get the vague feeling you're offending someone, somewhere. Shrug it off.

Step 9: Friends show up late, already two sheets to the wind.

Step 10: Marinate in tequila until it's time for Mad Men, your signal to switch to Manhattans.

Our gin-soaked correspondent reveals the true secret to a successful party.