Huffpost Divorce

Caught Cheating: What Not To Do If Your Spouse Discovers Your Affair

Posted: Updated:

By Marina Pearson for YourTango.com

"How could you have done this to me?" I stood there speechless, not knowing what to say, dumfounded that my ex-husband had finally found out that I was having an affair. In that moment, I was so sorry for what I had done and how our relationship was going to end.

And I made matters worse by not taking responsibility for my own actions. So if you're a woman who has been caught having an affair by your partner or you're even contemplating going down that road, please avoid the following five mistakes.

I want to express upfront that I'm not writing this article to say that having an affair is the right thing to do (as it is not). All I want is to make it clear as to what you can do to make things a little better for your spouse.

1. Deny it. I denied it over and over. I had not planned for him to find out. For most of the time while having the affair, I had been living in complete denial about the entire scenario. I was living a fantasy and not thinking straight at all. So when he did find out, I really did not know what to do. Denying it seemed like the only option. It wasn't a conscious decision; it was more of a reactive behavior. This just made him more angry and frustrated as he just wanted to be told the truth. Instead, tell the truth. If he has found out, then there's no point in denying it. Come clean to lessen the blow.

2. Leave highly explicit evidence. Don't leave highly explicit evidence lying around. I did and it did not bode well at all. Not only did he have to deal with finding out, but he now had all the details. Reading my confused emails to friends made matters worse because he read into them what he wanted to, which made him feel worse about my infidelity. Instead, it's important to destroy any of the evidence that you may have so as not to hurt the other person even more. Now, you are probably wondering, well if I don't have any evidence how would he find out? A friend? A colleague? Maybe, the point is that the less graphic detail he has, the better. It will save him a lot of heartache.

3. Blame your partner. Blaming your partner for having an affair is definitely not the best way to go. I did and just as I denied having the affair, it was a reactive behavior towards a highly destructive situation. No one likes to be blamed for anything and if they are, they will get defensive. Your husband isn't to blame. In the end, you had the affair. Instead, apologize and take ownership of your actions.

4. Carry on the affair. This is not something I did, but I have known others who have and if you want to make things better and not worse, it's best you don't carry on the affair. It's best that you make a commitment to yourself to stop the affair if you wish to make things work with your partner and have better respect for yourself. I know it seems pretty obvious, but you would be surprised as to how many people don't commit.

5. Drag family and friends into your affair. It's normal to want to tell people close to you as to what is going on, but it's probably not wise. Everyone will have an opinion and probably opinions that you won't like. This can confuse the situation even more and may even make you feel worse. I told my family and they were devastated. In fact they turned their backs on me (with good reason) and my feelings of guilt just got worse and worse. Instead, keep things to yourself and work on the marriage going forward if this is what you wish to do.

To download your free chapters of "Goodbye Mr. Ex" and connect with Marina Pearson, click here.

More Stories On YourTango: Click through the slideshow below for excuses cheaters use to justify their infidelity, according to the Twitterverse:
Close
#ExcusesCheatersUse
of
Share
Tweet
Advertisement
Share this
close
Current Slide

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook and Twitter.

Earlier on HuffPost:

Suggest a correction

Around the Web

Tammy Nelson, Ph.D.: Ending Your Affair With Integrity

After the Affair — Modern Love - NYTimes.com