Here's your forecast for what to expect from the headlines next week.
NSA employees involved in a secret office romance will continue to regret confiding in Edward Snowden.
Geneticists who predicted future humans will have abnormally large eyes will continue to get letters from Sir Mix-A-Lot asking if it was really only the eyes that will be bigger.
Japanese preteens are risking pink eye to participate in the trend of eyeball licking. But even that won't top the risk of a collapsed lung among American teens doing the "cinnamon challenge." USA! USA!
After the Supreme Court ruled that human genes can't be patented, Antonin Scalia will reference the decision by saying "What you gon' do with all that ass, all that ass inside them genes?" And no one will laugh.
According to a national poll, Americans' confidence in Congress is at an all-time low. But confidence has hit an all-time high when it comes to animals sitting on top of other animals.
Miley Cyrus will find even more new locations to twerk.
There will be zero stories about dog butts that resemble anything other than Jesus.
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