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08/01/2013 02:49 pm ET

Horoscopes Written By Your Angry Roommate

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If you take advice from your horoscopes, why not take advice from a horoscope written by someone who knows you best? Here some honest horoscopes, as written by your roommate.

Aries
You know what they say, don't judge a book by its cover! This cover is about to seriously blow, sort of like the blow dryer you borrowed and broke. Just because someone seems okay with everything, doesn't mean they are. Look past the exterior - REPLACE THE BLOW DRYER.

Taurus
You think you're being sneaky, but someone is onto you. Someone overhears you drunk dialing your ex at night. Not only does it keep them awake, but it makes you look stupid. Delete his number or at least make the phone call from the fire escape.

Gemini
There are two very different sides of you, Gemini. And now, with the sun stronger than ever, you may have fallen asleep outside on one side of your face. You are literally two-faced, in terms of coloring that is. Look in a mirror and consider getting new bronzer.

Cancer
It seems your love life is finally improving, but this person of interest doesn't feel how you think they do. The real reason they're always hanging around? He's someone else's secret boyfriend, dummy! (Maybe the girl who lives in the apartment with you?)

Leo
Time to take a hint, Leo. Has anyone called, texted or snapchatted you back this week? Mercury may be messing with communication, but you should probably accept the fact that no one really likes you.

Virgo
Be careful, Virgo, past choices are going to come back to haunt you. Everyone knows you're the one who took my dad's credit card and that you're the one who let the cat out. Turns out this dad found out and is about to sue the hell out of you.

Libra
It's time to stop worrying because it's getting on everyone's nerves. Calm down and have a drink. (The planets know you LOVE to drink.) If you keep this behavior up, no one's inviting you to happy hour. Sorry, not sorry!

Scorpio
There should be a special circle of hell for those who steal food from their roommates. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S FROM TRADER JOE'S! It's not like you need it, in case you haven't noticed you've gained like fifteen pounds.

Sagittarius
Stop blaming your actions on others, for example, the neighbor's cat. The neighbors cat may have vomited in the hallway, but the neighbor's cat certainly didn't "accidentally" order fifty dollars worth of pizza from your roommate's Seamless account. Sorry the neighbor's cat is going to clean the toilet with your toothbrush tonight :(

Capricorn
Mercury is circling around your head like little birds do when someone hits their head in cartoons, and it's making you think it's totally chill to do things like invite your OkCupid dates to dinner with MY FAMILY. You haven't taken the trash out in months and your clothing that is "miraculously" going missing is actually being thrown out the window by a very annoyed roommate.

Aquarius
It's time to make a change - stop crashing on your friend's couch. It's been three weeks. Sometimes people want to do favors for you because they feel bad for you but stop feeling bad when you finish all the Cheetos and hit on their underage sister. Seriously go to Alcoholics Anonymous and get off the couch, LOSER.

Pisces
You dress like a substitute teacher who had a very bad day because a goat attacked her before class. Sometimes you should deal with these things, because sometimes people are embarrassed to be seen with you. Oh and by the way - I'm dating your ex and I'm moving out.

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