08/16/2013 04:10 pm ET Updated Aug 19, 2013

The 7 Weird Sleep Cycles Guys Will Maintain In College


This article comes to us courtesy of BroBible, where it was originally published.

"No Sleep," in addition to being a song your roommate exhaustingly overplayed during your junior year of college, is something that most University folk claim to suffer from. And while these sleepless claims are usually just a self-important lies, they're (a. lies that most of us have indulged in from time to time, and (b. lies that are easy to fall into, given that college affords one the opportunity to maintain some pretty oddball hours.

With that in mind, here are some examples of the strange hours your may maintain over the course of your four years:

1. The Raymond Tusk

Clocked At: Ridiculously early (4am-7am rise)

Key Interests: “Getting a full-day in”, me-time, condescendingly large quantities of exercise and sobriety.

Raymond Tusk is a Senator in "House of Cards," and is really quite good at being an insufferable Caucasian. The pretension built-in (via @NetflixSenator), Tusk's super-important international business dealings force him to keep hours that are so odd, he’s got no choice but to base most of his conversations around the fact that his hours are extremely odd.

A collegiate Raymond Tusk wakes up early purely due to overestimated ambition. This can include (but is not limited to) still being on the crew team, reading way too far into Malcolm Gladwell books, or being a career-focused dude with an increasingly useless significant other.

Relative to the collegiate landscape, championing #TuskLife is a great way to become a outlier. This of course, doesn't necessarily matter - true Raymond Tusks do not possess an ounce of FOMO.

2. The Jason Bateman

Clocked At: Normal human time. (8-9 am rise, 12-1am sleep)

Key Interests: Adhering to societal norms, buying things that appeal to their demographic, being clean-shaven, hiding the nervous breakdown they're always on the brink of having.

The consummate straight man approaches college like he will the rest of his days. It’s an institution with established rules, guidelines, and norms. Norms that are to be followed, because taking risks is immature and out of character.

Of course, the collegiate Bateman is always one tequila shot away from realizing that out of all the people on this list, it is he who's the most out of whack.

3. The Daily Colbert

Clocked At: Whenever Reruns of the "Colbert Report" end

Key Interests: Compulsively checking for likes on his Facebook statuses, quotes like “don’t let school get in the way of your education,” late-night hot pockets.

This human enjoys nothing more than sitting in the common room late at night, offsetting his lack of consistent hookup (and the despair that comes with a crescendoed asexuality) with semi-heated debates about the state of our fine nation. This year, he’ll probably go off on that show "Drunk History."

As per most people who lose themselves in sub-reddits for hours at a time, no one is good enough friends with him to drop the truth bomb he needs to hear - that, while he's incredibly smart, he’s clearly wasting his potential.

4. Aaron Arkaway

Clocked At: Naptime, all the Time

Key Interests: 50% class attendance rates, “earning” mental health days, strong interest and knowledge of hallucinogens

Aaron Arkaway is the narcoleptic man-friend of Janice Soprano, best known for blithely informing Tony and the gang “He Has Risen” over Thanksgiving. This man, like your roommate who lives in the basement, exhibits a constant lethargy that could only be found in someone who does absolutely nothing all day.

Whereas a collegiate tour guide will famously tell you “grades, sleep, social life - pick two,” Mr. Arkaway proves that you could also just double-down on one. Life is a couch. Might as well relax for a few minutes.

5. Cosmo Kramer

Clocked At: Never/New weird ways to beat the system

Key Interests: Lifehacks, deals on the internet, unnecessarily elaborate diets and workout regimes

If Kramer was one of your college roommate, no doubt he’d try and sell you on the Uberman Sleep Cycle. And at some point, everyone lives with a Kramer.

Read the rest over on BroBible.