Aries: March 21st - April 19th
Your day will be filled with zombies. Everywhere. They will try to eat your brains. And the only thing worse than the flesh-eating undead will be the living people you meet today. It's not a good day for you, Aries, but you are strong and always a winner. Sure, you'll get bitten and turn into a zombie, but your can-eat-brains attitude will quickly propel you right to the top of the zombie ranks
Taurus: April 20th - May 20th
You will have unbelievable amounts of free time today. If you're even remotely unhappy with your current living situation, make sure to check the real estate section of Craigslist. You'll find an unbelievably spacious place that is somehow affordable on your meager 20-something budget. As a dependable Taurus, you'll always find a way to pay the rent each month. Nobody's asking how, but you will. Oh, and watch out for smelly cats!
Gemini: May 21st - June 20th
You will find one small thing that's wrong with a date and then blow it out of proportion with your friends for the next few days. Yada yada, you probably just shouldn't date anyone or make any new friends. They'll never be perfect by your standards and even though you might laugh and tell a lot of jokes, yada yada, you'll never be truly happy. But don't be afraid to accept some of the blame for this, Gemini. You are known to have split personalities, so maybe it's impossible for you to know what you really want.
Cancer: June 21st - July 22nd
We all know Cancers love to hermit, so this time enter your shell and STAY OUT of Brooklyn at all costs. Just don't go there. All of your problems will be solved. Don't send any sexts this week, and stop letting creepy ex-flings control your life. One more "don't": Whatever happens, DO NOT clean your ears with a Q-tip. Sometimes you just can't be so free-spirited.
Leo: July 23rd - August 22nd
Your extremely goal-oriented nature and talent for flashy execution will pay dividends today, but only if you fuel yourself with waffles and whipped cream. With the proper diet, you'll be able to ride your L'il Sebastian spirit pony to victory. Also if your significant other wants to open a "Low-Cal Calzone Zone," LET THEM.
Virgo: August 23rd - September 22nd
Your extreme knowledge and obsessive nature got you into this bind in the first place. Now it's certainly looking like you're totally screwed. To feel better, don't be scared to take some personal style risks over the next few days. Shave your head. Grow a goatee. Buy a hat. Shirts you might have thought were extremely ugly are all the rage again. Your lucky numbers are 34, 59, 20, 106, 36, 52. They are also your unlucky numbers.
Libra: September 23rd - October 22nd
You've made a huge mistake, Libra, and now a seal will bite your hand off, making it difficult for you to seek balance you crave. Literally. You'll only have one hand, so your arms will be uneven.
Scorpio: October 23rd - November 21st
You will spend today watching a marathon of Law & Order: SVU on TNT and there's nothing you can do about it. Knowing you, Scorpio, you'll justify this binge by saying the show helps you think seriously and deeply about things. Don't lie to yourself. Now, how do you spell that Law & Order sound?
Sagittarius: November 22nd - December 21st
OOOOOOH LOOK AT YOU! I DIDN'T REALIZE KINGS & QUEENS READ HOROSCOPES. You can never resist a good spirited get-together, Sagittarius, so you will throw a lavish party with horses and tea and fancy clothes this weekend and you WILL invite me.
Capricorn: December 22nd - January 19th
Avoid windows in tall buildings. Also try and go for a swim, do some pushups and maybe even eat some breakfast. But if you miss breakfast, avoid the urge to replace it with a few Old Fashioneds and a carton of cigarettes. You should really start examining your personal relationships, Capricorn. If you couldn't tell, your cold, calculated, relentless nature is causing people to give up on you.
Aquarius: January 20th - February 18th
You're not safe. Nobody you know or love is safe. You recently betrayed your one last ally, rebellious Aquarius, and now the Seven Kingdoms are vying for your head. You should probably run, but that's really not going to help.
Pisces: February 19th - March 20th
You're in control, but you're totally not. You want to save this country from terrorism, but... Sgt. Brody *swoons*. The heart wants what the heart wants, even when the brain is screaming, "Stop that terrorist, you idiot." Feelings always get in the way. You know that more than anyone, dreamy Pisces.