WOMEN
09/18/2013 02:44 pm ET Updated Nov 18, 2013

When Cosmo Published Mark Twain

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What if Ernest Hemingway wrote the Cosmo Kama Sutra? According to a recent Thought Catalog post entitled "If Famous Authors Contributed To 'Glamour' And 'Cosmopolitan,'" minxy sex positions like the Cosmo Cat (coital alignment technique, FYI) would take a decidedly more bleak turn: "And you prop your legs over his shoulders. And they are warm. He is warm. His forehead is sweaty. Your legs are tired. But you are not tired. He begins. He finishes. You finish. Perhaps not until later. By yourself. It is a cycle."

The post continues with hypothetical F. Scott Fitzgerald pontificating on a disappointing sexual encounter (premature ejaculation, we presume), and imaginary Jane Austen, a fun, fearless female in her time, nailing the complexity of the single lady on the prowl, saying, "To all males looking to get into bed with a lady, I say, do not be too agreeable for I do not plan to like you a great deal either while in bed or shortly thereafter."

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