Endless Shrimp: What Red Lobster Doesn't Want You To Know

09/20/2013 11:24 am ET | Updated Sep 24, 2013
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post

Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp special can really be endless, but you aren't ready to conquer this feast.

You must remember when you enter the Seafood Chain Empire that you're at war. You're at war with yourself, and most of all, you're at war with Red Lobster. The moment you walk in, you'll face a deadly uphill battle as you try to have a truly endless shrimp experience -- while Red Lobster methodically works to end your hunger early.

I ate 101 shrimp at Red Lobster, and I had more dish options than anyone else in the restaurant. If you really want Endless Shrimp, you're going to need this list of DOs and DON'Ts:

  • DO: Get Excited
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • The journey you're about to embark on will be painful and joyous. This isn't for amateurs.
  • DO: Bring Friends
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • You need others to bear witness, and you'll need cheerleaders/therapy when you're finished.
  • DON'T: Eat Cheddar Bay Biscuits
  • OK, maybe just one. They're delicious. But stay focused, don't fill up. That's what Red Lobster wants.
  • DON'T: Eat Sides
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • Just say no to salad, rice pilaf, pasta, french fries and baked potatoes. Your Seafood Expert™ is going to throw a lot of these options at you. This is a HUGE Red Lobster secret: If you eat the sides, you'll fill up on one plate, and your Endless Shrimp experience is over. You haven't had your money's worth.
  • Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • YES to the shrimp, NO to the potato. Don't forget.
  • Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • Do you want to look like HuffPost Taste editor Rebecca Orchant at Shrimp #40? Then don't eat the sides.
  • DO: Drink
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • Drunk munchies will help you scarf down more shrimp, and Red Lobster has plenty of boozy 'tails to get you through. Expect to spend more time at the restaurant, as the drinks will fill you up temporarily. Be patient.
  • DON'T: Get The Soy-Wasabi Shrimp
    Red Lobster
  • They don't actually look like this, and there's not even a hint of soy-wasabi flavor. That said, if you like the taste of mild barbecue sauce on your shrimp, go for it. We didn't particularly enjoy this new menu item.
  • DO: Know The Items That Aren't On The Menu
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • Grilled shrimp (pictured), coconut shrimp and popcorn shrimp are NOT featured on the Endless Shrimp menu. But you can order them as part of your Endless Shrimp experience. It's OK, you're not going to get scowled at. Order away.
  • DO: Bring A Shrimp Counter
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • You'll need to keep track of your shrimp levels. Fair warning: Anything past 40 is going to give you a tummy ache, but that isn't stopping you, is it?
  • DO: Understand What This Is Doing To Your Body
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • The drinks have a lot of calories, and just about everything on this menu is cooked in butter or breaded and fried, except for the grilled shrimp. We'll let that fact slide this time.
  • Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • Just keep eating that shrimp.
  • Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • Here, competitor Esther Reynolds makes a power move: Several popcorn shrimp at a time. And look at that baked potato! It's uneaten. That's a good thing.
  • DO: Order The Scampi
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • The scampi, hand-breaded shrimp and grilled shrimp are the best items on the menu.
  • DON'T: Listen To Anything We've Just Said
    Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
  • Seriously, 101 shrimp? That's nuts. And it's painful. Eat Endless Shrimp, but don't go overboard. It's a terrible idea. What were you thinking?
  • DO: Listen To Patton Oswalt
  • If your shrimp levels are too high, we'll need to get your white wine levels up to balance you out. Tim and Eric didn't listen, and they paid the ultimate shrimp price.
Suggest a correction