Some [weird] air travelers enjoy having seatmates. Some [normal] air travelers do not enjoy it so much.
Despite your best efforts to avoid hosting a human in the seat next to you, odds are one will end up there.
Here, a guide to some breeds you may encounter on your next flight:
The Nomadic Traveler Defining characteristics: Large backpack, cargo and/or all-weather pants, one or more dreadlocks Opening line: “Check out this hemp balm I bought in Thailand.” Reading material: Into The Wild Pro: Travel stories for daaaays Con: The scent that comes with two shower-less months
The "Important" Businessman Defining characteristics: Laptop, briefcase, loafers that are far too nice for a plane Opening line: "What do you do?" Reading material: An Excel spreadsheet Pro: Networking, potential job offer as a receptionist and/or loafer polisher Con: His hawk eyes will catch you reading PowerPoints over his shoulder
The Mother of Young Children Defining characteristics: Young children, diaper bag, collapsible stroller Opening line: "Shh!" Reading material: Goodnight Moon Pro: Adorable faces, peekaboo games, free Cheerio samples Con: Sounds of crying, wailing, screaming and burping
The Mother Of Grown Children Defining characteristics: Reading glasses, iPad with pictures of grown children and their children Opening line: "You remind me of my daughter." Reading material: Self-help book Pro: Juicy stories about other young adults your age Con: Too many juicy stories about other young adults your age
The "Is He Famous?" Defining characteristics: Sunglasses, baseball cap, Louis Vuitton messenger bag Opening line: "Hey." Reading material: Large phonebook. Or is that a script? Pro: A pleasing aroma of patchouli and musk Con: Unquenchable feelings of mystery, curiosity and/or giddy excitement
The College Kid Defining characteristics: College sweatshirt, large and omnipresent headphones Opening line: “Were you in a frat?” Reading material: Stats textbook Pro: A walk down memory lane, free of charge Con: Those giant headphones mean you’re listening to Jay-Z at maximum volume, too
The Flight’s Cutest Couple Defining characteristics: He's carrying the bags. She's carrying smiles. Opening line: “Wanna hear how we met?” Reading material: Sudoku For Two Pro: Restored faith in true love Con: The smacking, slobbery sound of a thousand quick pecks
The Wise Old Man Defining characteristics: Knit sweater and/or vest, worn-in athletic shoes Opening line: "When I was your age..." Reading material: historical fiction novel Pro: A thousand new adds to your "quotes to live by" journal Con: Politely smiling after a thousand "quotes to live by"
The Traveling Teen Soccer Prodigy Defining characteristics: Vinyl duffel, monochrome track suit Opening line: “Who’s your team?” Reading material: David Beckham's biography Pro: A thorough rundown of this week’s national invitational Con: The lingering scent of dirty cleats
The World’s Most Dashing Young Man, aka Prince Charming, aka Your Future Husband* Defining characteristics: Chiseled jaw, casual backpack, Princeton Alum T-shirt Opening line: “Hi! How are you?” Reading material: The new Ellen Degeneres memoir Pro: Your life has been made complete Con: n/a *This breed of co-passenger exists, though studies have yet to determine whether he exists solely in our imagination.