Remember that viral video, Shoes, from yester yester yester year? Well, forget shoes, and throw on a hat because anything can be a hat if you make it a hat. A tiny plant, a basket, a chair. A couch.
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My Cleaning Trolley
This "Girls Only" toy is sure to inspire your daughter to reach for the sky...while dusting the high shelves.
So much for post-racial America.
Playmobil Security Check Point
Encourage your child's imagination to run wild as their Playmobil figures wait in line...walk through the metal detector...are forced to throw out their shampoo. (PS -- It's almost 60 bucks)
Pole Dance Doll
Please don't give your child this toy. Please.
Fish Preparation Toy
When I was three, all I wanted was to behead, de-bone and fillet a salmon. Didn't you?
This $300 "toy" is just a rickshaw with all the pointy edges rounded off. Also, it holds up to 176 lbs! If your kid weighs that much maybe they should be walking.
Gasoline-Powered Audi Two Seater Car For Kids
Get your little yuppie on his way with this gas-powered accident-waiting-to-happen. For just under $14,000 you can watch your kid tear ass around the cul-de-sac at a maximum 13 MPH, but keep it off the road because it's about as street legal as a lawn mower.
Lightning Reaction Extreme
The idea of this game is to not be the slowest person to buzz in or you get shocked. Or, try the "Extreme" version where only the fastest player is safe and everyone else gets shocked. The point is: Electrocution = Fun.
Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring
Way to take a game that is ages old and barely fun and add unnecessary plastic.
Baff = bath. Gelli = goopy crap. Gelli Baff = Inedible Jello wrestling practice for kids.
Spiderman "Adventure Hero" Action Figures
We're confused. We thought Spiderman was already an "Adventure Hero" and now he's dressing up in various outfits like a Barbie would? He also apparently loves <a href="http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/stupid-toys2/spidey4.jpg">soccer and short shorts</a>. (From <a href="http://www.i-mockery.com/">i-mockery.com</a>
Tongue Kissing Pops
We thought the first thing Mike Mozart found (a pair of lips with a tongue-shaped lollipop that comes out) was inappropriate enough, and then he finds the same sort of thing but with various animal heads! Sure, let your kids try getting to second base, and then move on to bestiality. (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rz4JfOun6o&feature=player_embedded" target="_hplink">Watch the video review here</a>)
There's nothing wrong with self love, but we're pretty sure kids don't need to learn about it from their action figures. (<a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xay6qi_tarzan-fail_fun#from=embed" target="_hplink">Watch a disturbing demonstration here</a>).
A girl wears a special halter top with flowers instead of nipples that cause the baby to make sucking sounds and move its mouth. The tagline for the toy reads, "Because you shouldn't have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby." We think you should.
Don't Wake Hulk
Video Girl Barbie
The premise of "Video Girl Barbie" is simple: take a toy targeted for young girls and install (between the doll's breasts) a video camera capable of recording about 30 minutes of video. What better way to foster you daughter's interest in filmmaking than with a doll that looks like the Terminator? (Check out the product's <a href="http://www.barbie.com/videogirl/" target="_hplink">official site</a> to see the cyborg up close.) But before your kid gets excited about filming in breast-view, heed this warning from the FBI: In the wrong hands- specifically pedophile hands- Video Barbie can be a "possible child pornography production method." For a full review of the product, check out <a href="http://techcrunch.com/2010/07/22/barbie-video-girl-woah/" target="_hplink">TechCrunch</a>.
McDonald's Drive-Thru Playset
A cross-over from "Fast Food Fails:" You have to give them credit for trying to secure their workforce as early as possible. (<a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/eyfxd/worried_about_your_kids_future_employment/" target="_hplink">via Reddit</a>)
Baby Wee Wee
Sigmund Freud's theories on the link between defecation and the child psyche were not received warmly back in the day, but the guy may have had a good point. Something about fecal matter must resonate strongly with childhood fantasy, because more than one popular toy is all about taking care of nature's business. Unfortunately, it seems "Baby Wee" leaves little to the imagination. (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=U-_ipSXgujk" target="_hplink">Watch the commercial for the full diaper change</a>).
From that single pair of loafers in aisle 10 to plastic Easter basket grass from last year, pharmacies know how to deliver the goods when it comes to selling disparate collections of strange stuff. Case in point: this disturbing singing thing. (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=s4nFTyyTX14" target="_hplink">See it in action here</a>).
"Little Star Emily" Singing Doll
This is hands down the creepiest toy ever. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tdhkY60lY0k" target="_hplink">Just watch</a>.
Super Soaker "Oozinator"
Super Soakers' more extreme line of squirt guns were always intended for older children, and the "Oozinator" is no exception. Luckily, these boys appear just the right age to discover this addictive toy for the first time start using it a couple times a day (at least). <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=YdAIt4MgnHc" target="_hplink">Check out the full commercial here.</a>
Sure you don't want just a <em>little</em> tickle?
Play-Doh Dr. Drill n' Fill
Dr. Drill n' Fill: The revolutionary new toy that promotes children's healthy and active lifestyle by teaching them to associate fun with gouging out cavities. (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=UeXOZIktk-I" target="_hplink">Watch the commercial here</a>)
Barbie and Her Dog Tanner
"Be who you wanna be," begins the commercial for the 'Barbie and her dog Tanner' play set. Even if that means using your childhood imagination and all its accessories to create fantastical worlds beset by pooper-scoopers and tic-tac shaped dog droppings. (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ke2Jyf6rXQ8" target="_hplink">Watch the commercial here</a>)
Elmo Knows Your Name
Elmo has a little computer in his brain so he can learn your child's name and other phrases. However, don't change the batteries or Elmo starts threatening to kill you.
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